


Reforget

by TropicalStorm



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Romance, Body Horror, Dark, Kidnapping, M/M, Mild Gore, Paranormal, Past Lives, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:48:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 66,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27893335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TropicalStorm/pseuds/TropicalStorm
Summary: As the years passed, Renji learned that it was better to have thick skin than anything else. With his own stubbornness protecting him from letting himself fall into the simple mindsets of others, he maneged to bury the small itch in the back of his mind that kept reminding him how much he hurt himself by doing so.After a nightly walk that was meant to keep him from sinking too much into his own thoughts ends with him being taken, Renji meets a man who seems to live in a reality much different from him, and learns a dark truth that shatters everything he thought he knew.
Relationships: Abarai Renji/Kuchiki Byakuya
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

Renji Abarai has never been a hopeless romantic, anyone who knew him for more than a few hours could say that about him without a flicker of doubt.

In his little more than two decades of life he learned that romance- in all its vast definition-was just not something that should be glorified and sought after as if it was the answer to all things wrong in this world. There was no reason to run around blindly in a lifelong chase after love and someone else who was supposedly meant to fix you with their sole presence in your life, no reason to seek for beauty in things with the purpose of pretending that they held a bigger meaning than what they truly did.

He might sound like a heartless troll living under a bridge, but he was far from that. Renji was a paradox, he hated romance and romanticizing, but he had a huge heart overflowing with love, and that is how he knew how empty all those things were.

It was love for the things that mattered most, his friends, his hobbies, the life he had for himself despite all odds. He even had love for strangers, forever happy to make a new friend along the way. Someone like him wasn’t struggling with relationships either, he had crushes and steady boyfriends and it was always simple and quiet, not this huge deal that needed a reminder at every given moment.

Renji always aspired to be warm and giving and spoiling and he really liked lazy mornings with a warm body in his arms and hands in his hair. He loved dates, adored kisses and soft touches, _especially_ after an evening full of hand holding and nights of lovemaking, but when his lovers asked him what was on his mind as they lay in bed together with their limbs tangled, the honest answer was usually- 'nothing'. He despised having to fill in the comfortable silence with sweet nothings that were forced out of him.

The redhead's brain dried up when he had to utter those things, and he inwardly cringed every time he started bullshiting his way through long speeches of how 'angels carved the both of their names on the trees of haven' just to show he actually cared. It felt like lying, even when he was sure he truly liked the person he was telling all this to, it still did.

Every single time.

His only saving grace were his somewhat descent acting skills, that allowed him to keep up with the smiles and caresses when a nag at the back of his mind kept him from allowing himself to get lost in the moment. Something held him back, and he supposed that it was just the part of him that will never be able to overlook the cringe, no matter how much he wanted it to just shut up sometimes.

The redhead kept wondering what it would be like to be more like Rukia who never stopped praising romance novels and her sister's luck of being surprised with flowers and gifts from her boyfriends at a weekly rate, wished to understand Ichigo who ate up every hero monologue and a power-of-friendship final power up, even going as far as tearing up - _'they're tears of passion, Renji! Stop it! I can hear you rolling your eyes-'_ like it was a real thing that could save someone in a moment of life and death.

He wished he could let go and enjoy the cheesy speeches and generic quotes they kept tagging him in on social networks or be invested in emotional movie climaxes so much he would grab his friends' hands and squeeze them in his raw excitement.

But he just fake smiled and rolled his eyes weakly in the dark, feeling like his gag reflex was being tested.

Cheesy love songs? Laughable at best.

sunsets? Overrated.

long walks on the beach? These were fine, but still did nothing special.

Anything that felt like an empty statement turned him off. If you don’t mean it whole heatedly don’t say it at all.

His grim way of thinking was not a result of a terrible break up, or over consumption of tragedy porn in every form possible, it was only what he had come to realize from a young age all by himself. Life was simple and straight to the point, it was beautiful in its own simplicity and could be appreciated even when it was dull and boring. People created connections and shared lives because it made them happy not because it was a save all magic and there was no reason for him to feel bad for thinking that.

All things romantic and related to it never managed to breach the thick armor he wore, if other people wanted to enjoy it, fine. Let them, it was their own problem they were weak minded and delirious.

Not _him_. Never. Not in a million years.

The point was that Renji would not be caught taking late night solo trips, eyes staring at the night sky marveling at the stars while dreamily making wishes as if it held all answers to the mysteries of life.

He detested it, thought he grew up and got over it, but Abarai was also a hypocrite. Because he was standing under the stars right at this moment, opening his heart to the thoughts he swore he will never give in to.

The redhead's evening was supposed to take an entirely different turn. After washing the long workday off himself, Renji hoped he might be able to have a small gathering in his home, hanging out with friends and eating takeout only to get rejected by every single person he knew. All of them had plans of their own or things they had to do. Even the rat that usually chased him downstairs didn’t show any interest in his company today. 

It wasn’t that big of a deal though; he was a grown person perfectly capable of entertaining himself. Abarai just finished stuffing his face with cold leftover pizza and was about to plug in his laptop when suddenly the entire world turned black. Not one to freak out by a simple light's out situation, he crossed his one room apartment to look out of the window. The streetlamps were out, windows darkened and the sound someone screaming and giggling afterwards- like they did _every time_ the power went out in this place- echoed somewhere outside.

Renji stepped away from the window after taking a good look at the darkness stretching over the entire block. He wrapped himself in a warm blanket and did the only thing a self-respecting adult would do alone in his house while surrounded by darkness- he sat on the couch in his rocket-ship pajamas playing every game he had on his phone for two hours.

His blast of a night came to an end when the loyal cellphone in his hand started dimming, signaling that it had about seven minutes of battery life to keep its master company.

Turning on the flash, the redhead darted to his dresser, pulling out things to wear in the speed of light, before darting to the bathroom in a race against time. He had too many drunken nights spent being too lazy to turn on the light when he peed to not realize that it could always end up in the embarrassing possibility of missing the mark and regretting it greatly in the morning. He swore more than once that he would haunt anyone who dared make fun of him for dying by breaking his neck after slipping on his own urine. Renji managed to leave his apartment just a second before his phone died, carefully making his way down the stairs, hand gliding on the cold rusty railings as his eyes tried to adjust.

He went out of the building, nodding in greeting at a few neighbors who gathered outside. It seemed that Renji wasn't the only one who decided that the cold street was better than staying at home, but unlike the others he didn’t stop to socialize, only continued his journey towards the city center not very far from his home, hoping to find something to do there or at least some electricity for comfort. It was better than staying alone in a dark apartment with nothing but his own thoughts to keep himself company.

As of late, anything would be better than that.

Just as he suspected, the darkness didn’t stretch for more than a block or two and soon he was greeted with the warm light of the streetlamps earning their pay. He kept walking, the street filling with people as the open shops area came to view. Before leaving the house he managed to glimpse at the time on his phone, it was late, the shops nearing closing time but most people still gathered in them, probably trying to take advantage of the warmth inside, not wishing to roam in the mid October cold.

He kept close to the ruckus, walking along the shop fronts without any intention of coming in, the glass entrances gave him a perfect view of the mass inside, causing him to let out a breathy chuckle at the fake smiles the workers were giving the costumers, hiding their true pain and their secret wish to kill every single one of them for delaying the closing time with their carefree nagging.

The redhead was just about to feel bad for finding it so amusing when he accidently locked eyes with one of the cashiers inside. Renji must have wandered too close to the door, because the man shot him a look that promised a painful death if he so much as takes another step towards the entrance. That was probably his cue to leave.

He turned away from the line of stores, muttering angrily to himself at what an asshole that guy was, when his feet started carrying him in the familiar direction leading to the park, the sounds of life slowly fading away the further he went.

The redhead tried to keep his mind occupied as the pavement turned into gravel and the concreate turned into trees. He focused on anything he could, the terrible itch caused by his scarf, the rundown of the show he actually thought he might finish watching today before his night was supposedly ruined, even inwardly cursing himself for not using this time to jog instead of aimlessly walking despite knowing full well that he was too lazy to do so today, _anything_ to keep his mind busy.

Renji's feet carried him deeper and deeper into the dark park, the sounds of the city morphing into the sounds of nature, the rustling of leaves as the icy wind blew through the trees, the quiet sound of the still water of the lake as the wind gently pushed it to shore and the crunch of the rocks beneath his steps. There were no other people around, not even the same runners who usually roamed the park in all hours of the day. Abarai kept fidgeting and shoving his hands deeper into his coat pockets only to pull them out no more than two minutes later to scratch his neck again.

He stopped, annoyed grunts coming out of him at the ridiculousness of the situation. It made his breath fog in front of him, bringing back memories of late-night hangouts with Rukia and Ichigo, battling to see who can make the biggest fog by burping. The small raven-haired girl always beat them easily no matter how hard they tried to top her. He could hear her bragging clearly, could hear Ichigo's imaginary drunken cheers as well. But there was nothing now.

He was utterly alone.

In the warmer nights this entire place drowned in the excited sounds of crickets and foxes but now there was nothing besides the numbness and occasional rustle coming from the tree line. Whatever made it was uncaring for the young man invading its peaceful world, making his way through it with a light skip to his steps as he tried to amuse himself like a child.

"Of co- of course it doesn’t care". His own voice surprised him as it cracked and made a much louder sound than he had intended. It was almost as if his throat panicked and tried to make the most out of uttering the first real words Renji said in hours. His voice sounded strange in the vast area, too loud and too quiet at the same time.

"My balls are freezing", This time it came out right.

He felt too childish saying stupid stuff to himself, choosing ridiculous wordings that no one will hear besides him anyway. The redhead closed his eyes and threw his head back in frustration as he was trying _really hard_ not to whine just in case the trees were listening to the moping that flowed out of his mouth, earning themselves something to be able to make fun of him forever with.

Up until now Renji tried to pretend that he was unbothered by his own pathetic state, but he couldn't deny it anymore. He had no one by his side, no one to talk to and no one to hear him, he was... _lonely_. The word so quite in his head, so weak as if it would physically hurt him to admit it to himself, so he still tried to pretend that it wasn’t true, that there was no reason for him to feel this way anymore.

What the hell was his problem? His friends loved him, the cold weather was his favorite and he didn’t mind just being with himself like this from time to time. so, what the hell was it?

_Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all… He should just head home and hope that the power was back by the time he gets there._

When he opened his eyes all thoughts and self-pity left him in an instant as he was struck with the sight above him, rendering the redhead uncapable of doing anything but stand there and stare in awe. The stars were so bright and so visible, as if they knew Renji was looking at them so they wanted to make a good impression.

It was beautiful and great and-

Lame.

Absolutely lame. They were just pretty stars, that was all, nothing to lose your mind over, especially not out here alone and freezing late at night. He knew all that, he should head home and forget it, but he still couldn’t look away.

His face broke into a grin at the sight he never thought he'd take the time to appreciate before. Renji always thought stargazing was a complete waste of time, never finding the appeal behind it.

He still wouldn’t go out of his way to say he was wrong but… it _was_ captivating.

An unusual itch clawed at the back of mind then and he let his imagination take the lead as he silently admitted that this sight was much better seen with others. Not just any other person though, with the soft sounds surrounding him, the light of the stars and the reflection of the moon on the still water, Renji could admit that it was something to be shared with someone more than a friend. It was romantic in a way that would usually make him turn a little green at the thought of wasting time doing so, but now he sort of wished he could share it with someone.

Someone special.

Someone who wanted nothing more than stand here with him without a care in the world.

Despite his usual self, the thought was rather welcome this time. He let his mind drift, almost able to see and feel a warm hand in his own, their fingers laced together as he was letting a handsome lover lead him on the path to do nothing more than be together, their joyous hearts beating in their chests at the mare contact. They would stay there forever, happy and serene without a care in the world.

Renji's hand went to his forehead, the back of his fingers touching his covered skin as warmth seeped through him.

His smile grew as he could very vividly imagine himself leaning against a solid warm chest while gentle arms came around him, holding him close. Soft lips pressed to his ear, tugging up at the corners, as a warm breath caressed the shell, warming his already hot cheek.

The two of them stood there in their own privet section of paradise, so content that he could feel his chest aching with how much he waited for it.

They were just about to say it in union, those three words they were never tired of hearing,

"… I… l- _mhmpf_ ". A hand slammed on his mouth, muffling whatever he was about to say.

His eyes blew open as panic hit him like a truck, alarms went off in his head as rough hands grabbed at him, preventing his movements, holding him in iron grips.

He didn’t even get the chance to scream or see who got him before everything turned dark.

Yeah, scratch that.

Romance fucking sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this!  
> I hope you enjoy the story and later chapters, and if you see anything that you think is important to mention in the tags feel free to let me know:)
> 
> I apologise for any mistakes you catch, English is not my first language so i hope everything makes sense.


	2. Chapter 2

In the few moments before his consciousness slipped away from him, Renji's mind was still intact enough to feel certain things.

There was a numbness that settled over him, muffling every sound and every touch as he was held and maneuvered. The hands that gripped him kept their hold on his limbs, more in need of keeping his body upright than restraining him as his legs started to give in.

He expected to be dragged on the rocky ground or beaten senseless by what felt like multiple people surrounding him, but he wasn’t. His body was handled without any intention to hurt it seemed, the only strength coming from the many hands was their attempt of keeping him stable enough as he was lifted -nausea hitting him at the unexpected change- and carried away.

He couldn't focus enough under the immense pressure in his head to try and differentiate the sounds around him. It was like being under water, helpless and succumbed to everything else around him. Renji struggled to keep his eyes open under the cover of thick fabric thrown over his head, both keeping his face warm and irritating his skin with how it dragged over it with every movement.

He heard no laughter, felt no forceful touches, neither harmful nor friendly. The slightest chance these were his friends pranking him somehow, despite how crazy the idea was, quickly slipped from his mind. Nothing gave them away. Nothing for him to latch onto.

Those who took him were strangers.

He couldn’t move or scream, fighting a silent battle to hold on to his awareness for as long as he could and nothing else. But the redhead was losing, succumbing to the effect of the drugs flowing through his system.

The dread clawed at his chest, breaking through the thick fog over his senses. It did nothing but harm him in his state, screaming in his ears at how utterly fucked he was. He couldn’t hold on to anything anymore and so, he sank.

The first thing Renji felt was the warmth. It was a pleasant warmth, the kind that made you want to stay indoors all day wrapped in the safety of its arms, but for some reason the young man felt that he needed to get up.

Opening his eyes slowly, he blinked away the sleepiness while trying to adjust to the light around him. Thankfully doing so was made rather easy by the saving grace of the dim golden light and the soft calm colors of the celling, hiding under the dark shadows the redhead's eyes were directed at. Something was painted there, but Renji's vision was still slightly blurry from only now waking up to fully take in the details.

_Since when was it there?_

His slow mind kept processing what he saw slowly but he was too keen on just going back to sleep and worrying about it later. This serene state lasted only about four seconds before the panic-truck hit Renji at full speed, dragging along the memories of him being jumped at the park.

His eyes blew open in an instant.

_Run._

The redhead used all his power to fling himself to the side as quickly as possible, only for his body to be violently tugged back, the movement accompanied by a sharp pain shooting up his arm, makings him hit his head on the hard surface his was laying on. Renji hissed at the pain; his eyes closing instinctively.

When he opened them again he looked at his left arm, the source of his pain, and froze.

His arm was spread at his side looking still intact and still normal enough. The only thing out of place was the leather strap wrapped tightly around his wrist. The end of the strap that was not wrapped around his joint, disappeared beyond the edge of what seemed to be a stony surface.

_This can't be right._

_It can't be._

_He's not-_

Renji's mind was racing, and his heart started to pound in his chest. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Renji decided to test the strap again. He might be wrong; the pain could have been due to something unrelated entirely.

Gently this time, Renji lifted his arm up to see how far it could go. It wasn’t much, only a mere few inches were available until it was met with resistance. He repeated the movement again slightly harder. And then again, and again, and _again_ , using more force and more speed with each pull. Heartbeat quickening, the redhead pulled once more, this time he did the same with his other arm. A distressed noise left him, sounding almost like a whine, as the same fate was met at his right side as well.

Fearing the worst, Renji hesitantly tried moving his legs as well, one by one. Neither could make it more than a few inches before he felt the same leathery pull on the skin of his ankles, preventing him from leaving the surface. That feeling _should_ have been numbed by the boots he left the house with to go on his cursed nightly stroll. 

Taking advantage of the limited freedom of his restraints, Renji managed to position his arms in a way which allowed him to use his elbows as leverage. He pulled himself up to be able to actually see rather than just feel his shackles. It wasn’t enough to sit comfortably, but it did give him the wanted result.

Renji regretted his decision the moment he took it the sight before him. The redhead expected to see his bare _feet_ , not his bare _everything_.

There was a sinking feeling in his gut as he looked at what seemed to be a black velvety robe loosely tied at his waist, leaving his tattooed chest and abdomen fully on display. The sleeves, which he hadn't noticed before, were wide and flowy, their fabric gathering at his elbows. The most disturbing thing about the robe though, was its extremely short length. It didn’t even cover his thighs fully, exposing the swirling black lines tattooed on them by hitching up his legs, probably due to his earlier struggles.

Just as he thought it couldn’t get any worse, a frightening thought crossed his mind.

Gently the redhead wiggled his hips, the feeling of the thick fabric gliding along his skin confirmed his worry- no underwear.

That was it.

Full panic mode was now activated, throwing the young man into a fit of violent thrashing against the restraints. It did nothing to loosen their hold, resulting only in sending his long crimson locks flaying around him; the shorter bits falling in front of his face.

As his vision was blocked by straight red strands, Abarai's movements came to a slow stop. He half sat half lay there with his loose hair draped around his shoulders.

Nothing held it back.

His bandana was gone.

It wouldn't make much sense to anyone, but to Renji that bandana was everything. There was nothing special about the simple piece of black fabric itself, but its purpose did matter- it covered his tattooed brow loyally for years. Its absence in this moment, made him feel completely exposed.

This is what broke him. It took away any crumb of fighting spirit left in him so he just stopped. His eyes started to fill with tears, causing his vision to blur, the red strands becoming a sea of blood.

And as he parted his lips to take in a steadying breath, a weak broken sob left him.

It was quite disturbing.

That sound coming from the redhead atop of the alter was not at all what he expected to hear.

The young man sounded frustrated and Defeated and… _Sad_.

Not at all like the feral beast that nearly ripped its own limbs in order to get free of its bounds just a few seconds ago. Frustration was understandable, so were panic and fear, but this? This breakdown? It wasn’t something that Renji did.

With the young man propping himself up on his elbows, his face disappeared from view, replaced with his broad back and loose crimson tresses. He was not able to see the redhead's expression from where he was, just a few paces behind. Even though he took a few steps towards the stone, -now standing much closer than before- the redhead still hadn't registered the fact that he was there.

That any of them were there.

It made sense at first, with Renji just waking up he was probably still foggy from the drug he was given earlier. This, accompanied by the less-than-graceful way in which he found out that he was strapped to the stony alter, gave the young man's awful survival instincts a temporary pass. But even though the redhead seemed to calm down slightly, no indication came from him that he was aware of anything around him.

When he first lifted himself up, it seemed that any moment now will be the moment he would notice that there was a crowd watching his every move. But he did not. Perhaps the five candles, held by tall metal holders, that surrounded him with light, prevented him from seeing anything located in the shadowy corners of the room.

There was no reason to stall any longer. It was time to get closer and make himself known.

Silent feet started toward the figure in the center of the room, touching the holy marks carved on the cool floor under them, only to be stopped halfway by the sudden mad thrashing of Renji's entire body.

It was not surprising considering it was Renji doing it. The young man was like a hurricane sometimes, always making noise and adding character to things as simple as making your way down the street. Still, best to let it pass and then approach.

It was the correct thing to do it seemed- just as suddenly as the thrashing started, it stopped.

_It is about time you calmed a bit._

The sound came then, causing a shiver, that felt more like a rusty metal rod dragging down his spine than anything else, run through him. His fingers twitched, jaw setting harshly, as the sound attacked his ears, triggering the physical reaction before he even registered what he heard.

The whimper coming from the redhead felt so out of place in this room, and so out of character for Renji, that it unsettled the raven beyond his own understanding.

_This reaction…_

Byakuyas own voice pierced the silence like a gunshot, bringing an end to the horrible moment that felt so dark and heavy. "There is no need for that."

Renji's head whipped to the side not a second later, his eyes impossibly wide.

Finally, he saw them.

_He wasn’t alone._

Body going rigid, the redhead stared wide eyed at the figures in front of him. A single tear ran down his cheek, released as his eyes violently blew open.

He didn’t dare blink away the rest of the tears, instead he just stared at the silent dark hooded figures standing there unmoving. His jaw clenched harshly, breathing becoming shallow.

One of them defiantly spoke to him just now, he was sure of it. But, as he looked at the figures standing in the direction the voice came from earlier, none of them moved an inch.

Still not able to bring himself to blink, as if the figures might disappear the moment he does, Renji started to slowly run his eyes along each and every single one of them. Some held long crimson colored candles, a tiny flame at their tip, while others just stood with their arms at their sides. All of them, with no exception, wore long dark robes which made their lines blur and bleed into one another. 

Renji's eyes took in every figure one by one, keeping his body still as fearful brown orbs made their way through the half circle of bodies surrounding him, all the while keeping his movements slow. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and his muscles tensed so hard that the tips of his fingers started to go numb.

It didn’t matter that he couldn't crane his neck any further, he just knew that he was surrounded on all sides.

Sweat broke on his forehead as the air grew thicker and thicker, making it even harder to breath. The absolute silence started to settle on top of him like a heavy weight threatening to crush him.

"Renji."

The spell was lifted instantaneously by the same voice again. This time, it came from the direction of his feet. Renji's head snapped forward and his eyes landed on another hooded figure. This one though, wore a light grey sleeveless robe on top of the dark one, its silky texture making the soft golden light from the candles surrounding them dance. The figure was tall and broad, standing close enough to touch him.

Renji blinked a few times, his eyes burned from avoiding it for so long, and immediately went back to staring at the man -judging by the voice- before him. The hooded guy was silent again, standing there with his back straight without doing much else.

The silence stretched between the two for another long moment in which Renji's heartbeat slowed its frantic pace. But each beat felt stronger than the last, filling his ears with a steady drum. A drop of sweat ran down his temple, his teeth knocking against each other due to the tremble in his jaw as he tried to open his mouth. But his lips refused to part.

Just as he managed a small crack between them, the same deep velvety voice from before came from the man. "How are you feeling?"

Two tattooed eyebrows shot up. In his surprise the tight hold on his muscles loosened, the blood rushing to his fingers and toes. 

Jaw still trembling and teeth still knocking and making his voice break, Renji managed to let out a single word, "w-what."

The question came again with a slight emphasis on each word. "I am asking you, How. Are. You. Feeling?"

This time Renji did not answer and only stared dumbly at the man in return. It wasn’t as if he didn’t understand the question, he just couldn’t understand for the life of him how appropriate of a question is this to be asking someone who might shit themselves from fear any second now.

At the redheads silence the man let out a soft puff of air through his nose, lifting both his arms.

Renji flinched, pulling his feet towards himself and away from the guy.

But there was no attempt at touching him. The man's arms simply kept going up to his hood, and with a smooth elegant movement, he pulled it back to reveal his face.

Pale skin and sculpted features were surrounded by a curtain of black hair, so opaque that it seemed to swallow the light. Not a single strand was out of place. The beautiful man's eyes- slated and light, empty of any emotion, locked onto his own. Despite what his voice suggested at first, he was rather young. Maybe only a few years older than Renji himself.

It was strange. The guy seemed to be made of marble, so beautiful that Renji's breath was knocked out of his chest. _People couldn’t possibly look this good, could they?_

"Renji."

The black haired stranger addressed him again, but this time Renji could have sworn that the previously flat and uninterested tone had a slightly irritated edge to it. It might be pettiness or just him being childish, but the redhead couldn't help himself from furrowing. His nerves were already on edge, and that tone was really rubbing him the wrong way.

_Was he seriously getting mad at him right now?!_

"What the fuck do you want." _Oh, His mouth was working properly again._

Despite the stony expression, the sharp eyes narrowed.

Yup, this lunatic was _actually_ getting irritated. Renji decided there was no way that this guy was right in the head.

Not moving a single muscle in his body nor his face, except for his mouth, the guy started speaking again. "Seeing that you overcame your initial shock, one could only assume that answering a simple question directed at you, regarding your wellbeing, would be the polite thing to do instead of making me ask you a third time."

A few murmurs could be heard around them. Even a few gasps and disapproving clicking of tongues. Renji had the feeling that all of these were directed at him and not the guy standing in front of him, looking as serene as before.

These people were judging him right now, speaking to him as if _he_ was in the wrong in this situation.

All remains of confusion, numbness and fear left him in an instant, only to be replaced with a different emotion all together- _rage._

His voice came out steady, tone calm and composed. "You're asking me how I'm doing?"

The tall man gently inclined his head with what seemed like the beginning of a barely-there nod, when Renji absolutely lost it.

"OBVIUSLY IM FEELING TERRIBLE CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I WAS FUCKING KIDNAPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, ONLY TO WAKE UP BEING STRAPPED TO A GODDAMND TURTURE TABLE SUROUNDED BY YOU FUCKING ROBE WEARING _PERVERTS-"_ , he practically spat the word out.

The other standing before him did nothing but blink lazily despite the sudden outburst.

The redheads voice only increased in volume as he went on. He was starting to see red.  
"- _WHILE BEING PRACTICALLY NAKED!_ "

"Are you do-"

"-AND IF THIS WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, YOUR'E ALSO STANDING THERE ASKING ME HOW IN DOING BEFORE YOU MURDER ME IN COLD BLOOD LIKE IT'S THE MOST NORMAL THING IN THE WORLD!"

The black haired guy opened his mouth again only to be cut off by another chain of yelling coming from the feral Renji.

"I'M FUCKING SCARED SHITLESS, YOU ASSHOLE! AND STILL YOU DARE CALL _ME_ RUDE?!"

"Yes."

Renji felt as if someone just slapped him.

He yelled so hard his throat felt like it would start to bleed if he so much dares raising his voice again. It was loud enough that the black strands framing the beautiful face of the guy would be blown back by the sheer force of his voice if he was a bit closer. But he just stood there, his sculpted features the perfect picture of calm.

The lack of reaction was what finally did it for him. Renji just let himself fall back, ignoring the hit to his head, and lie there wide eyed and staring at celling. He didn’t have any energy left in him to fight, only lie on his back and mumble to himself in a raspy voice barely more than a whisper, "I really am going to die."

Why did these things always kept happening to him? It was as if someone up there decided to keep pissing on his head since the moment he was born. Twenty plus years of bad luck should have really prepared him for this outcome.

Whatever, he just didn’t care anymore.

The redhead had nothing to do but look at the celling as he waited for pretty boy and his band of pervs' to just get on with it.

He wondered how they were going to do it. They might stab him clean and simple, they might cut off his head, they might set him on fire... he really hoped they didn’t, it would be a really awful way to go.

The celling was so high it was hard to see clearly what was painted on it. But what he could make out of the scene, were two shapes: A man and some sort of horned-two-legged beast standing closely with their hands around each other, similar to a dance.

_Oh great, they were devil worshippers as well._

Another possible way to go was added to the list- 'becoming dinner to a hellish beast summoned from the underworld'. That one was pretty bad too. 

Being wrapped in his own musings, the redhead ignored the soft murmurs combined with soft footsteps around him, cutting off by the sound of a heavy door shutting. The silence returned. He was alone again.

It was better this way. Maybe he could fall asleep again and miss the whole dying thing. It _would_ be best.

His death wasn’t going to be poetic and beautiful, filled with tear wrenching goodbyes, anyway. Just Renji, screaming and suffering. Life was just that simple sometimes.

"Our family has existed for centuries-"

He wasn’t alone after all. The black-haired guy stayed behind.

Renji was somehow accustomed to the deep voice by now that it didn’t even surprise him when it came out of nowhere. Having nothing else he could do but listen, Renji just hummed to indicate that he heard, still not taking his eyes off the celling.

The guy continued speaking. "The founder of the clan was a noble believed to be involved with the art of dark magic and witchcraft, taking a special liking to the mysteries of the underworld." The voice carried the words to Renji's ears as if he was listening to a bedtime story. "After many attempts of contacting an entity from the lure of darkness, he was able to open the gate to this world and grand entry to a beast made of fire and brimstone. The proud noble -overwhelmed by joy-, fell to his knees before the beast, bowing his head like he did to no man in his life. He was fully prepared to dedicating his life to his new master but to his surprise, the beast bowed back."

Renji finally turned to the man standing next to him, now much closer than before, the two of them locking eyes.

The redhead nodded slowly. Signing again that he was listening.

The man began speaking once more, his expression unreadable. "As the beast rose its head, it spoke to the bewildered noble in a voice not belonging to the realm of men. It told him of its gratitude for being released from a dying world into another, full of life and joy. for that, it gave him a blessing of a long healthy and prosperous life, much longer than any human before.

-To finalize the blessing, the beast told the man of the sacred ritual and its terms in order to bind their souls together. As the two became one, the beast took the shape of a mortal and disappeared."

-"Each generation of the family gave life to a new head-leader, and each one of those dedicated their life to finding the beast again. Some succeeding and some not. Those who did find it, were given its blessing again- connecting their souls for centuries to come, sharing the prosperity until their life ended."

Renji swallowed thickly and said in a quiet voice, "why are you telling me this? What do I have to do with any of it?"

The voice that the man used was much softer than before. "I am the twenty eighth head of the clan, I have found the beast and now the only thing that remains is the ritual demanding a sacrifice. That, will be you."

A dreadful filling settled in Renji's stomach. He thought he was okay with dying, but the story made his sureness falter. It was one thing 'thinking it' and a whole other 'hearing it'. The dark-haired man's face softened as he looked at him, almost as if he felt sorry for Renji.

A warm hand rested on his forearm, the thumb caressing his skin gently in what was probably an attempt to comfort him.

It could have worked perfectly, but the fucker had to ruin it by saying the thing that made Renji's blood run cold in an instant, "welcome back."


	3. Chapter 3

"What do you mean, 'welcome back'?" The words left Renji without him even noticing.

As he said them, something flashed behind the man's eyes. His expression changed, the soft look morphed into something unreadable again. He straightened a bit and just now did Renji realize _how_ close they actually were. The hand on his forearm remained for a moment before being removed, the touch lingering on Renji's skin.

The cold eyes were averted up to his brow.

Renji frowned as a way of habit. He did so every time people focused on his tattoo for too long.

The man just took a step back -if it was to get away from Renji's personal space or to keep his own, the redhead didn’t know- and locked eyes with him again.

He seemed to do that a lot, looking at the redhead and catching his gaze with his own. Strange. It felt as if he expected Renji to read his thoughts or something, all the while trying to read him as well.

With all the courage he could muster Renji asked again, "what did you mean by that? Welcome back where?" His tone more demanding than the last time.

He was getting frustrated by the constant silences, never one to be good with riddles and having to guess what people meant when they shot vague statements in the air. He just wanted answers or _some_ acknowledgment that he was asking something, at the very least.

The man seemed to have a bit of mercy on him. "You are currently in the Kuchiki estate. This is the left wing of the main house, located in the northern part of the old town road. Currently you're in the inner most room- the shrine room, or 'temple' if you prefer."

The name meant nothing to him, but the location did. Renji knew the estate. He's seen it before.

_It was when he got to the city for the first time, the redhead was finally of legal age then, old enough to be able to leave the group home he lived in and use his savings to start his new life elsewhere. Renji remembered seeing the estate from the rickety bus window, or at least a small chunk of it, as it drove through the older roads before getting on the main one._

_The redhead was in awe, he has never seen such a beautiful view where he lived, all those trees and stone walls made it seem almost ridiculous that such a place could exist so close to the big city, standing proud and undisturbed by time, the grey sky and wet road giving the stone structure an eerie aura._

_something inside him tightened. Something other than the excitement he felt for the past few hours. The redhead blew hot air on the window, fogging the glass to hide the view. He ran his finger over the steam covered glass, the digit leaving familiar markings in its wake. Like always, the markings calmed him, allowing him to relax into his seat once more, eyes fixed on the blurry image of the estate until it disappeared._

_The excitement returned to him once more as he spent the next thirty minutes taking in everything in his way as the green scenery turned into the concreate jungle full of the noise and color, he was promised. Renji clutched the worn backpack in his arms as he memorized every detail, from the moment his eyes landed on the large stone estate up until the backpack was replaced by a weeping Rukia in his arms._

He knew where he was now. If Renji remembered correctly, he might be able to get to the main road by foot in no time, _if_ he ran fast enough. After that, he could continue on the path leading straight to the city. Without transportation it might take a few hours, but someone might drive by and see him.

He could get help. 

"You will freeze to death before you make it home."

Renji was pulled from his thoughts. "The hell you talking abo-"

"You asked me where you were, and I told you. So that you will know, not so that you could try your luck in running away. It is simply impossible." In an afterthought the man added, "not only that, but you are not able to go anywhere as it is." His eyes moved to the leather bonds at Renji's wrists, voice flat and indifferent as he felt the need to remind him of that.

The shackles.

He forgot about those.

_But how?_

Just a mere few minutes ago he nearly had a heart attack after he saw them wrapped around his limbs. How the hell do you just forget something like that?

Renji felt so stupid it was unbelievable. Why did he get so confident all of a sudden that he could just walk out of here? That the guy would just _let_ him walk away and leave? It wasn’t his fighting spirit. It was actual belief that he could go, and no one would come after him. No one would harm him. Like he wasn’t a prisoner at this place.

The redhead thought about the hand resting on his forearm, his skin felt as if he was still being touched. He wasn’t cold in the slightest, the room was warm enough even in his minimal attire, and yet a shiver went through him. The part where their skin made contact before felt warmer than the rest, even as the stranger's hand was long gone.

Maybe that was what gave him a false sense of calm, made him feel protected somehow. It was crazy. Not long ago he was brought down to a subbing mess, freaking out and feeling doomed, but the more he dug into it the more logical it seemed. That guy did no harm him; he had every chance to do that and yet he didn’t.

And even his weird way of speaking- saying semi comforting things and then ruining it by saying some bullshit that could chill bones- did not seem to come from malice. Even now, despite being able to gloat, he was merely stating a fact. It was as if the man wasn’t just a beautiful statue seeming untouchable and unreachable, but he just didn’t really know how to talk to others.

Even now, Renji was silent for so long and the raven still didn’t interrupt him. He stood there looking at the redhead, giving him time. For what exactly? Was it for processing everything? His inability to escape, or all that talk of dark entities and sacrifices, perhaps.

Despite the surreal situation, Renji noticed that he wasn’t scared anymore. The fear was gone. And he might not know exactly what he felt, but it wasn’t anger either.

Swallowing thickly, the young man decided to try a different approach. "If I'm not getting out of here could you at least tell me your name? You seem to know mine. it's only fair that we know each other." It was better to get on his good side while he could, just in case the guy feels like snapping all of a sudden. 

Some sort of surprise flashed in the man's steely eyes and he let out a soft breath he seemed to be holding. It was so subtle and yet, it was unmistakable relief.

"Kuchiki Byakuya." The velvety deep voice carried out the name with a hint of pride.

It took the redhead a moment to understand, not expecting to get an answer so quickly. But then again, it seemed that there was no danger in Renji knowing things. 'Byakuya'… it was a beautiful name. It suited the raven so much that Renji was kind of disappointed that he didn’t figure it himself somehow.

The redhead sat up slowly. Again, ending up in an awkward position while leaning on his elbows with his legs pulled a bit towards himself, so that some of his weight could rest on his butt.

"Byakuya," _it even felt nice saying it_ , "you told me where I am. You told me about the beast and the ceremony. You told me of the sacrifice,-" at that word his voice faltered a bit, "whatever that means. But I still can't understand why I'm actually here." He lifted his arm a bit to tug at the leather strap to emphasize what he meant.

-"And no half sentences. No short cut statements meant to shut me up. Just tell me." He had to try very hard to keep his volume neutral, it always rose when he got too frustrated

The change in attitude seemed to work a bit because instead of brushing him off, Byakuya actually listened. "As I told you before," he began saying, "a ceremony will take part here tonight. It has been a tradition in our family for generations to ensure the wellbeing of the head of the clan, so that he could attend to his duties and take care of his family. All of it."

His voice became sterner as he went on. "The most important part is the sacrifice. In order to complete it, there will be need of certain things taken from the sacrifice, mostly material and organic. Blood for instance, is one of those things. You were chosen for it a long time ago. It is your destiny, just as it is mine to see to it that everything will go as it should."

Renji paled at the mention of blood, his heart began beating like crazy again. "You're going to kill me?" It was impossible to keep the dread from his voice.

He was going to get murdered after all. The sacrifice was exactly what he feared it would be. All the horrible ways in which they were going to slaughter him flashed through his mind all at once. His nails scraped the stone beneath him as his fists curled, a hole opened up in his chest at the fear of what will be done to his body in this place.

Renji nearly jumped out of his skin when Byakuya's voice hit him once more with his calm baritone.

"Your life is precious. It will not be taken, Renji."

Wait.

That’s not-

The redhead chose his words carefully. "You will need my blood, but not enough to kill me."

The nod he got helped him calm down.

"What about my organs? My limbs?" His tone was clipped. 

The raven shook his head with the barest movement. "They are not a requirement."

A huge wave of relief washed over him. They were not going to maim him, so maybe he could even be confident in the fact that they won't hurt him too much either. If there was a need for his blood and nothing too extreme besides it, he will give it willingly. Hell, if it was all they needed for him be left alone, let them have it.

No one told him that he will be left alone, but it didn’t matter, he chose to make the connection himself. It made sense, the man said his life was 'precious', meaning he will be able to keep it.

The eagerness in his voice had to be kept under a tight leash for it not to shine through too much. "I can go after this, right? If you don’t need me anymore, if I give you what you want and what you need you will let me go?"

"I cannot do that."

Byakuya killed any shred of hope he had, causing his face to drop at the simple yet heavy words. Renji kept his eyes on the raven though, waiting for him to add something else in his annoying way of speech. 

He didn't.

"So, my life is not needed for the ceremony itself, but I'm still not leaving this place," Renji said dryly, not aiming his statement at anyone in particular.

The raven-haired bastard just stayed silent.

He was starting to get worked up again, stress and anger bubbling quickly in his chest. "Why then! why does it have to be me?" He asked for what seemed like the thousandth time. "I don’t know what you want from me! I don’t know what I did to deserve being stuck here in order for you to gain something!"

The word vomit rose up too quickly to be restrained anymore. He let it all out, not caring for the shouts and whines that flowed out of him. "You won't kill me now, but eventually, you will. Its what's going to happen right? You take everything away from me and then send me to my doom!" His voice was quivering the more he said, not able to stop himself, letting out every obscured and dramatic thing that crossed his mind unfiltered. "That beast you found, _that's_ what's going to happen to me. I'm going to be eaten by that thing after you're done!"

"It is not going to eat you." Byakuya suddenly interrupted him, his tone harsh.

"Oh really?! What else is there for me besides becoming dog food for that _creature_!"

"Stop saying that."

Renji practically spat the words now, "you mean the truth about your _disgusting hell dweller_?"

"Don’t you dare say that," the raven warned, sounding even harsher now.

Renji was starting to get to him.

_Good._

It only encouraged him to continue.

"Why ?! it’s the truth! Why should I not say that about the _abomination_ you keep in your house-"

"BECAUSE IT'S YOU!" the raven roared at him.

Byakuya's outburst was so different from the way he acted until now, that Renji didn’t know what surprised him more, the loss of the man's restraints -that was actually frightening- or the words coming from his mouth.

The young man just stared at him wide eyed, still heaving from his shouting.

Byakuya lost his cool completely. He took half a step towards the man sitting atop the alter, true anger showing on his face. "You are the beast! You are the entity brought to us by a string of fate! You are the reason for all of this! _You_ is what matters most!" He was breathing as hard as Renji now.

The redhead was at loss for words. Every sentence that left Byakuya's mouth felt like a blow to his gut, sinking deeper and deeper into him.

For a long moment the only sounds in the room came from their harsh breathing.

Byakuya was the first one to move, he took the half step he made towards Renji back and straightened his posture. Despite that, there was shame on his face at his sudden outburst. "I should not have yelled at you like that." He was calm again, apparently having more control of himself than Renji thought. But his voice sounded different now, more mundane and less distant, robotic and cold. It was almost… normal.

Abarai tried to do the same, though a little less successfully, his voice still sounded shaky and clipped. "You need to start telling me the truth. Why did you say those things just now?"

"Because they are true, Renji."

His stomach did a little flip at the sound of his name coming from Byakuya's lips in that tone.

"The reason it had to be you here on this alter, and not anyone else, is because you are the most important part of the ceremony. In the beast's tale, after the lord Kuchiki brought it into our world and the pact had been sealed, the beast took human form. Its fate was to live among humans and wait for our family's next heir to find it and bring it here- to its rightful home. With every lifetime, it lost more and more of its former self, no longer able to go back to its original form. The beast's memories remained dormant until we found it again, and with the help of the ceremony, brought them back. As long as we did right, that was the cycle of life for the beast, for _him_ , _her_ , _them_ … and now, you."

Renji didn’t know why but the more Byakuya kept talking about it the tighter his chest became, an unexpected sadness settling within him. "This is bullshit."

"It is the truth. I swear it."

"Well, you're wrong! I'm nothing like that."

The redhead looked defiantly at the man in front of him. It was crazy talk. _This guy was insane._

"You are, Renji. As much as it might sound strange to you now, once you think about it, I am certain you will find sense in everything."

Renji just shook his head, refusing to accept the things Byakuya was telling him.

Still looking at the raven with burning glistening eyes, he demanded, "how can you be so sure?"

The dark haired Kuchiki's expression changed. His lips tugged slightly upward at the edges as he said softy, "my entire life was dedicated to learning everything there was to know about my destiny- finding you and bringing you here. With time it stopped feeling like a chore and I started seeing the tale for what it truly was, not a contract between to souls, but a love story. It was a love story between the lord and his soulmate, one that was so strong that it was supposed to withstand the test of time through the generations.-

-Not everyone in my family saw it this way. Many wanted the beast's blessing and nothing else, so they let it go the moment they got what the two of them wanted. Others did not care to find the beast at all, becoming motivated only by sheer sense of duty. A few managed to see the ceremony to completion, earned the beast's trust, and then proceeded to share the rest of their lives with it."

Renji noticed that every time Byakuya spoke of the beast's former lives he never addressed it as him directly. He kept the two separated, as if he really thought of every human form before as a different person, diverging Renji from them in that sense.

The raven continued. "The first time the entity and lord Kuchiki met, the form of its horned-self remained up until the end of the blood ceremony. Afterwards, it changed into its human skin, choosing an appearance that symbolized the moment the two took the first step that changed their lives- it was a woman with kind eyes the color of soil and long silky hair, the color of blood."

The hair on Renji's arms stood, the skin covering with goose bumps. _There no way that this guy was actually going to say it. no way in hell._

Byakuya continued speaking, the ghost of a smile on his lips growing faintly. "There were always signs given by the earthly figures of the beast- ways for the souls to reach the Kuchikis. The main one of them was the appearance. No matter what gender or race they were, no matter the age, the eyes and the hair were always the same."

Renji burst out laughing.

Byakuya frowned at the inappropriate reaction, the rare smile was wiped off his face in an instant.

Renji's laugh echoed in the room before it finally died down, turning into a light chuckle. He still struggled a little in settling his breath as he said, "so you're telling me that all of this happened because I'm a redhead? All this crap, just because you made the mistake of thinking that being a ginger made me that thing you're looking for. Do you have any idea how _ridiculous_ you sound right now!"

Byakuya didn’t seem very amused.

Renji's chuckle came to a weak stop as the raven opened his mouth again. "There are no regular humans with hair this dark red, the _exact_ color of blood."

"It's just a defect! A gingy is still a gingy no matter the tone! It doesn’t mean _anything_ besides weirdly colored pubes."

It was true. His hair always gave him trouble no matter where he went, but it meant nothing besides Renji pulling the short straw in life. It only resulted in him being called a 'stinking' ginger' for most of it. And now, getting him actually killed.

"It is not just that," Byakuya calmly interrupted him, not giving in to Renji's harsh words, "there are always signs. They were made very clear by you; the hair is just one of them. Renji, you wanted me to find you. You wanted me to know it was you all this time."

"How?! how could I have possibly done that-"

"Your forehead."

Renji froze at that. He could actually feel the blood draining from his face at the mention of his brow.

The redhead had the urge to lift his arm and cover the bold black lines adoring his face, or at least turn his head away from Byakuya. But he just kept looking at the man before him, frozen and waiting for him to explain.

"Those marks are not just random lines, they are letters. I spent my entire life looking at them." Byakuya sounded almost shy when he said that. The eyes that seemed so cold and distant before were now completely different as the man averted them to look at the tattoos and then back at Renji's eyes.

The young man was pinned under the warm gaze. Despite his need to turn around before, he kept looking at the beautiful face of the raven. All of his bravado and mockery of Byakuya's delusional reasons for capturing him were wiped out at the simple mention of the lines on his own face. He was on edge, desperately needing for the guy to finish talking.

He didn’t even know why but he just needed Byakuya to keep speaking. So he urged him on, barely finding his own voice. "I don't follow." was all he managed. But it felt hollow. It felt like a lie.

"I can read them," the raven said. "The way they are drawn forms a single word, well, the two separate marks are mirrored images of each other- of the same one."

Renji almost stopped breathing.

He only had them for a few years, but they were part of his life ever since he could remember. They were just a few lines he sewed together a couple of times before they started to take the same shape over and over again.

It was random at first, just finger drawings on dusty floors at the group home or carved in the mud as the older kids locked him outside in the rain. Those same shapes calmed his mind during tests and grounded him before the most exciting moments in his life.

Even when he got in trouble, even when he was upset and lost, he was able to feel better when he saw them.

With time that habit died, and he stopped tracing them all the time. Instead, it was easier to just think and dream about them- that way he could see them even when they weren’t physically there. Only rarely did he get back to his old ways of tracing. Then, this too wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted for them to still be there when he couldn’t actively reach out for them.

So, he found a way.

Permanently putting them on his skin was such an easy decision to make, that he only needed to save enough money to do it. He _loved_ his new tattoo, loved showing it off like a proud peacock wherever he went. But as the days went by, that pried and confidence died down as well.

He started covering it. Started becoming irritated and hating when people looked at it for too long, like it was something secretive that only he should be aware off. It wasn’t disdain, looking at mirrors still gave him joy when in privet. But at the same time, it made him feel unexplainably alone.

That sadness grew in him the more he saw himself, reminding him the way his heart broke every time there was a chance he might get a new mommy and daddy only to be let down.

That excitement and sadness, the endless wait for _someone_ to come and give him the love and warmth he missed so much, were too much to handle. So he just denied it. Just like he stopped caring for cheesy romance and romanticizing empty words and acts of ridiculous heroism in the name of others. Those weren’t realistic. Life was okay without all those pretty and imaginary things.

There was no reason for him to keep torturing himself with useless dreams and ridiculous believes for years. He didn’t latch on to those things anymore, finding no place for the newfound sadness that grew within him with each passing day to keep holding on to the hope.

He became a cynic, and a hypocrite as well, because he chose to mark himself the same way, giving his secrete anchor limitless power. Those marks represented the pride and love he still had within him, giving him strength to climb out of the deepest and darkest pits within his soul. Renji thought it was real at first, that it was more logical than just chasing imaginary things and titles.

But their magic didn’t uphold, and Renji started drowning slowly every time he looked at himself and the mistake he permanently put on his skin. In truth, he was no better than soft minded people who still believed in all of those baseless and cringey things.

He kept mocking everything that dared threaten his agenda- that true love came from the simple things and that true strength and friendship did not need a constant reminder. Every person was on their own, and no one needed magic to fix them.

He yelled all of this at the top of his lungs, but deep down he still had the need for something else to save him from himself.

He was bitter because he couldn’t have what he wanted.

He was bitter because life didn’t go the way he knew it should.

Because he thought his way was better than other's.

That is why he hated those things. That is why he hated when people saw the marks he loved so much displayed so boldly on his skin.

Deep down he was ashamed.

Ashamed of what others might see when they looked at him, the way he screamed so hard, the way he reached out, the way he waited for so long without being found.

No one heard him.

No one came for him.

No one ever will.

That was what he feared most- the truth in his core. So, when Byakuya said what he did, every nerve was stroke. His blood boiled while his deepest darkest fears rose to the surface. Every god damn fiber in his being screamed at him to _believe_ what he was hearing.

Because it was true. He _knew_ it was. The realization hit him even before Byakuya's beautiful voice carried the words to him, dragging out something dormant in his chest that kept clawing at him from the moment the cover was lifted from his heart.

The twin marks on his face forming a single word that he had _no reason_ to know before, but now felt so obvious in its presence.

It caused him joy and pain

It tormented and grounded him.

-"That word is my name, it means 'Byakuya'."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. I think I lost half of the hair on my head while trying to write and edit this chapter, but its finally done! hope you enjoy it:)

When he was a child, Renji loved the old swings in the garden the most. He could spend hours there alone, surrounded by the shrieks and groans of metal and rust. As he sat on the cold seat, hands gripping the chains that held it, his body had to stretch a little before his toes touched the muddy ground with great effort.

He pushed of the ground slowly at first, the movement barely did him any favor before he had to push again and again. His small feet could never do much, it was tedious work to try over and over only to get minimal progress. He kept swinging his legs with the grace of a baby chick that only now learned it had wings, kept putting his entire body weight to work in order to get the swing to go higher and faster.

It was easier when someone was there to push him, but he was too heavy for his only companion most of the days, so he let the wind focus on rustling the leaves on the trees instead. He saw nothing but the ground at when he just started, but the more he tried the higher he went. In no time he was slashing the air with how hard he swung, effortless and free as the wind made his eyes water, ruffling his hair in long cool strokes.

He was soaring through the sky, weightless excitement mixing with the beating of his heart and the music of cold metal and unforgiving wind in his ears. He saw more and more of the view, the trees, the wooden benches and rocky roads leading to the stone structure he called 'home'. Renji saw the roof and the small windows, tuning out the distant sounds of other children that never asked him to join them in their doings anyway.

He was in his own world, lost in the movement even when his body threatened to leave the swing with how hard he went. The small redhead held on tightly, ignoring the pinch of metal on his delicate palms and the stiffness of his fingers around the chains, because it was all he could do. 

It wasn’t up to him anymore; he had done what he could.

All the hard work and hopeful wishes payed off. Now it was time to just hold on as his body went so high he was parallel to the ground and the sole thing he saw was the sky. Time seemed to stop at that moment, nothing mattered anymore because that was it- he was at the top, he reached it finally, finally.

Finally,

He did it.

He reached the top.

_"It means Byakuya"_

Renji finally saw the sky.

And it was grey just like he loved, stormy and cold and comforting. The same color as the eyes that now bore into his with such intensity that he knew he could let go, that no harm would come to him if he did.

He wished to release his grip, let his tired palms rest as he no longer needed to keep himself rooted to the seat, let the blood flow and wash away the stiffness and pain while he floated serenely.

That absolute trust was only an illusion, no matter how much he wanted to stay afloat gravity would still pull him down at the end. It would shackle him to stone, and it would remind him that in the end, he was still alive and still a human who could tell right from wrong. As much as he would like to stay high he needed get back to the ground, where he belonged- where life made sense.

If he let go now, he would fall _._

As soft as the clouds were, as kind and as welcoming as the sky was, there was no way of stopping him from crashing.

Whatever Renji's facial muscles were doing at the moment was beyond him.

So many emotions were fighting inside him that his body couldn't keep up. Everything about the redhead seemed to contrast the rest- he couldn’t tell if he was frowning or smiling, he couldn’t understand if his heart was sinking or if the butterflies in his stomach were trying to escape, his mouth went slack but his nails scraped the alter as his hands balled into fists.

He must have looked like a mess. No, he definitely looked like one, if Byakuya's previously hopeful look- now turned confused and concerned- was anything to go by.

It was hard enough that the dark-haired man looked so cool and collected, not a hair out of place or a hint of disorientation compared to him. Even without the weight of the truth crashing on him at full force, there was no need to make things worse by having said man look at Renji as if he was having a stroke.

"Are you all right?", the raven asked hesitantly.

"No", he said quietly. The redhead closed his eyes, letting the unshed tears fall as he took a deep steadying breath. "Maybe I am. I don't know."

When he opened his eyes again more tears seemed to form and follow their companions down his cheeks. Perhaps that was the reason Byakuya seemed so concerned. The tears did not seem to stop, just silently form and run down his face and into his mouth, tasting salty and strange.

He couldn’t have been awake for very long and yet, he cried more in the span of that time than he had in years.

This didn’t feel bad. Unlike before, these were not active tears of fear but something more mellow. They came silently, rising to the surface after being pushed down for so long, their weight leaving his heart. He wanted to reach up and touch his brow, to feel his skin knowing very well that the marks there would give him ease, but he couldn't, not with his arms bound to the alter. Instead he looked downward, at Byakuya's pale hand and thought of the way he felt when it made contact with his forearm.

It worked somehow; the imaginary warmth spread up his arm. He wished Byakuya would touch him again, but there was no way Renji would ask him to. Some of it in fear that he might look stupid and some in fear that the raven would _actually_ do it.

How did he go from fearing for his life and screaming bloody murder to sitting still and hoping for contact and comfort from his kidnapper after just a few words?

Renji was not fully able to understand it, but somehow those words awakened something inside him that made his reserve snap.

The raven could have said anything to try and get Renji fooled, but he seemed smart enough to realize that saying vague things in hope that one of them might hit close to home won’t work on Renji. The redhead would have never let his guard down, especially not when it came to _this_.

It was such a strange thing to say, so filled with self-importance that it really seemed like only a fool would believe something like that being said about them, but at the same time it was so farfetched that saying it while sounding so sure could only show how much the raven was confident in his words.

And then there was the voice In Renji's own mind. It wasn’t an actual voice, but more of a thought, perhaps even a mere fragment. It was the same one that kept telling him that the simple lines had a true meaning, that the plain looking angles and lines actually had a right order. They did not resemble any language he ever saw, especially not as a child, so there shouldn’t be a reason for them to form words with meanings. But they _did_ , and the voice knew it.

A small fragment from his consciousness held the true knowledge for so long that it flooded the redhead's awareness with the truth the moment Byakuya opened his mouth, letting the pent-up emotions flow out of him at the relief.

Renji had always intended for the words to spell this name. He spend most of his life waiting for the rightful owner of the name to come and see what he had to say. There really was a connection between them, and even though he wanted to strangle Byakuya with his bare hands, the redhead had to admit that he felt calmer in his presence after remembering the truth.

It wasn’t exactly _remembering_ , as it was _realizing_.

He couldn't recall any of the things Byakuya said about previous lives and otherworldly gifts and promises but he did know he was looking for something for so long, and that something really was Byakuya himself. Even after just learning his name, Renji thought that he should have somehow guessed it beforehand.

The corners of his lips tugged upwards despite still having tears coming out of his eyes and snot clogging his nose. He tried breathing through it harshly to clear it but to no avail.

"Renji-"

"I believe you", the redhead cut Byakuya off, lifting his face to look at him.

He was quick enough to catch the embers of disbelief before the mask of calmness set on the raven's beautiful face.

"I knew you would understand eventually", Byakuya said sounding relieved, "I am glad we could finally meet and talk. This is something I wanted for very long."

"Yeah, that’s great", Renji said, not breaking eye contact. Despite his acceptance of the entire 'you used to be a monster and our fates are entwined' thing, there was still something that bothered him. And it only irked him more when Byakuya had the audacity to feel relieved that he wasn’t getting another tongue lashing.

He kept his face as neutral as he could, the effort of keeping his voice from breaking or rising accusingly made his mouth go dry. "-Especially the part where you kidnapped me."

Byakuya's expression did not change in the slightest at the jab. "There was no way to go on about it without taking you against your will."

Renji hated when he said things with this tone of voice because it sounded so _absolute_. The Kuchiki had such a strong aura of self-assurance that no matter what arguments he had in mind none of them sounded right against the raven's simple logic.

Abarai felt his eye twitch. "And the shackles? Why are they needed?". The strength seemed to come back to his body because as he said so his limbs gave the slightest of jerks, as if to say- 'yeah he's right', his entire body becoming pissed at Byakuya alongside him.

"Seeing that you are prone to temper tantrums, they are mere means of making sure you do not attack anyone."

" _What temper tantrums_?". He practically lunged at the other, stopped only by the leather binding him. Byakuya seemed as unfazed as always, raising his eyebrow at the irony. _Fucking asshole._

Renji gritted his teeth in annoyance, face heating with fresh anger and embarrassment, he wasn’t even sure if Byakuya was saying those things knowingly or if the redhead himself was giving him every opportunity to make a fool out of him. 

He was getting really fed up with this entire roller-coaster of emotions, there was so much of emotional juggling a person could do in such a short time span before losing their mind entirely.

His nose started running again, a result of the tears that were now drying on his flushed face.

The black-haired man just looked at him and sighed, reaching into his robe pocket and fishing out a white handkerchief, bringing it to Renji's face. The young man flinched slightly and stared at the other with a frown. "You're kidding."

"Of course not. You are barely breathing."

Again, that simple logic shooing away any kind of retort he had. He said nothing, cheeks heating up more at the ridiculous offer. As much as he wanted to deny it, the runny nose _was_ bothersome, but still, the _mere suggestion_ of Byakuya's actions was…

Renji sat still as Byakuya just kept staring at him calmly. Realizing there was no way the other was going to back down, Abarai pressed his face gently to the raven's waiting hand -the fingers pressing gently on his nostrils- and blew his nose as hard as he could while glaring daggers at him.

Byakuya was completely unfazed by it, facial expression as stony as always. He just gently wiped the sunned Renji's nose and discarded the handkerchief somewhere the redhead couldn't see.

"You didn't even blink!"

"… Was I supposed to be impressed by that?"

"I wasn't trying to impress you! It's just that you're so... _weird_. You're not even disgusted by that."

"I am not a child, Renji. and I am not disgusted by you", the raven said in such a way that made Renji blush even harder. It was the same tone he used when he told the redhead the tale of the beast- soft and gentle but filled with factual truth.

For some reason it hit him harder than he thought a statement like that could, surely the color of his cheeks matched perfectly with his hair at this point. Renji tried to cool himself down and remind himself that he can't be a blushing mess right now, he still had a point to make.

He might not be scared anymore, Byakuya didn't seem intimidating to him any longer, but he couldn't let all this dreamy talk about past lives and star-crossed lovers get to him this much. His feelings changed in what seemed to be a blink of an eye, fogging his mind and making him blindly trust the man before him who was still a complete stranger who kidnapped him, tied him down, stripped him and still used the word 'sacrifice' without batting an eye. He couldn't allow himself to forget those things no matter how beautiful Kuchiki Byakuya was or how good his touch felt… _No. Nope, no. bad thoughts._

_You're still angry, and he's still an ass._

_Yell at him some more_

_Assert dominance_

_Make him see what a temper tantrum really looks like!_

"It would be a shame if you keep yelling". Thanks for the help, Byakuya, too bad it didn’t exactly trigger the right kind of emotion...

" _Was that serial killer line really necessary_?". All of Renji's bravado changed into a high peached shriek.

Byakuya did seem to consider this for a moment, and calmly added "It just does not do you any good".

"Oh why? You scared that the room will be flooded with more people seeing you get yelled at? Where is your band of pervs', anyway? Shouldn't they be coming to help you if 'me raising my voice' is that bothersome?"

Byakuya just looked at him. "The room is soundproof, and they most likely returned to their own doings by now". He slightly shrugged, leaving it at that.

"so, they just left you here alone with me. Considering the fact that they were watching me sleep like a bunch of assholes earlier made me think that they were going to actually do something and not just stand there like useless creeps."

Renji didn't understand why he said that. It wasn't as if he wanted these people to come back, they made him feel very uncomfortable, but… it was strange that they just left the two of them alone. Well, Renji supposed that he _was_ unable to do anything to harm Byakuya while being restrained so that didn't worry them, but from this to leaving them in a soundproof room after making such a show of standing there when he woke up was just…

"Weird."

"It is not", Byakuya provided, "They have finished their job for now and the ceremony does not require them". The raven looked at Renji with a piercing gaze. "It is only between you and me."

The hair on the redhead's arms stood at the low deep tone the Kuchiki used. He swallowed thickly, hoping that the way those words were affecting him wasn't showing too much. How could Byakuya sound like that right after dryly stating things in that flat tone of his? Renji's legs shook slightly as he rearranged himself in a useless attempt to try and distract his body from the heat that suddenly gathered in his nether region.

He went from a weeping mess to popping boners in mere minutes. _Fuck you, Byakuya Kuchiki._

The mere thought of that heat made him hyperaware of the way his body started to react. It was so sudden that every coherent thought left his head at the speed of light. Renji tensed up, he had to stop focusing on it so much before Byakuya notices something was wrong, if he hadn’t already. Maybe he could talk his way out of it and make the situation less obvious. "You… umm. Y-you… that's... it's kind of... umm," _Come on brain, Produce words! Please._  
"-why do y- _fuck_ … why do you say it like that?"

All this hard work to avoid the topic that made him uncomfortable and this is the best he could come up with? _Digging right in? seriously?_

"What do you mean?". To his credit, Byakuya didn't sound amused by Renji's awkward display.

Unfortunately, the low tone remained, and it made it even more difficult to stay cool and collected. The redhead had no choice but to just spit out the words as quickly as possible, "You say 'you and me' like we know each other". He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath before continuing, "You say it like we're close. We're not, you don't know me". _Just don't start crying again._

When he looked back at Byakuya, the other just seemed lost in thought. It took him a short moment to answer, but despite that and the utter calmness of his voice Renji still couldn't help the flip in his stomach as he said to him, "It is true that we are not close, but I have known you for a while. You must have figured it out by now, that there was no way of getting you here in a moment's notice, so my family had to have a plan that consisted the right moment for that."

Abarai didn't even think of that. It made sense, there was no way of taking someone away just like that without the risk of being found out. They had to have been watching him for days in order to pull that off.

"You were being watched for a few months by them before the right moment came, not every day of course, but enough to get a good idea of your habits in order to plan accordingly."

'A few months' was a long time. It made Renji's head spin with the thought of not knowing what privet moments were being invaded by these people. He was glad they weren't here right now because he would have definitely lashed out on them.

The only reason he hadn't lashed out on the one telling him all this was because he did latch on to the way the sentences were phrased- _'my family'_ , not- _'we'._ The raven wasn't answering the question.

For some reason, Byakuya was beating around the bush.

It wasn't unusual for him to give a long explanation before getting to the point but now he was stalling and avoiding it completely. Renji wanted to ask him again but he kept quiet. Whenever he needed a moment to gather himself Byakuya seemed to give it to him. It was only fair to let the raven have this small moment of hesitation as well.

The light in Byakuya's eyes seemed to dim, they became somewhat clouded and unfocused under the golden light of the candles reflecting in them, and despite of looking right at him the redhead knew that the man wasn't seeing him right now.

Byakuya's jaw tightened just a fraction, he must have bitten his lip's inner part to keep its shuddering movement from being too apparent. 

His eyes were again directed at Renji's tattoo, making the redhead curl his fists just to keep his hands from shaking. It seemed to give Byakuya the same grounding force it gave him, because he finally managed to let out, "I only told my family about you a few months ago", his voice was quiet and steady, "despite knowing of you for almost three years."

The redhead's stomach sank.

Byakuya knew who he was for years before now, before telling anyone else. He kept his existence a secret. But why?

-"It was shocking at first, realizing that you were the beast I was meant to find. No matter how prepared I thought I was, this discovery still caught me off guard when I first laid eyes on you. Even after coming to terms with it, even after confirming that it was true I still wasn't sure that you were real. Despite what you may think I wasn't even sure I wanted to find you again but… ever since that first encounter I couldn't stop thinking about you."

-"I knew I should have said something to my family, yet I couldn’t bring myself to. You were there, you were there and that made everything real. My destiny was a few steps away just waiting for me to reach for it and I tried to pretend I saw _nothing_. Just looking at your face made me feel so many things that that I almost resented you. Why should I give you everything? why should _you_ be the thing that decides if _my_ life has any worth? I wasn't sure I even wanted anything to do with you."

That honest answer made the pit in Renji's stomach open wider. Hearing Byakuya say something like that made him feel slightly sick. He shook his head trying to clear the irrational worry from his mind.

The movement seemed to free Byakuya from his own thoughts, the light came back to his eyes and he straightened his back and shoulders.

Renji hadn't even noticed the raven was sulking at all.

With newfound ground, Byakuya -seeming more like himself again- went on speaking, "I wanted to see for myself what kind of person you were, before deciding if I am going to do the right thing or to just let you be. I stayed hidden, I kept my distance and I made sure you never knew I was there even while in plain sight. You never noticed me, but I saw you. And the more I looked- the more time I spent in your presence, the more glimpses of you I got- your laugh, your smile, the more I fell in love with you."

The statement sounded almost flat when Byakuya kept such a controlled appearance. His voice was the same formal velvety baritone he used when they just met and his face gave nothing of what he was feeling away, but Renji noticed the raven's left hand clutching the fabric of his silky garment. It creased with the intensity of the grip, accented by the shadows cast from the dim golden light hitting the long robe.

The confession made the redhead's heart race, filling his ears with its rapid thrum as the silence coming from the raven could be felt on his skin.

The hair at the back of his neck stood as something within him started tugging at the words. "You never said anything, you never came up to me to _try_ and say anything, why-"

"You seemed happy. I did not want to take that away from you."

_LIER_

A hard shriek passed through Renji's mind like an arrow, dragging its talons across his scalp as the noise lashed at him like an unforgiving wind at the dead of winter.

The candlelight flickered violently as if a true wind passed in the room, while the redhead's mind raced trying to make sense of everything through the leap in his chest.

_Byakuya was just scared_

_He was just a selfish coward_

Renji couldn’t keep the tremble from his voice, "So, you've decided now was the best time to do it? my life is great! Nothing's missing! I have everything I need I-... I'm-..." _okay?_

It wasn't Byakuya who lied. For a long time now Renji knew that he was just playing pretend because _something_ was wrong- something he had trouble pinpointing. The feeling of some major part of his life being missing has haunted him for so long without him being able to understand it completely or find a way to handle that as it expended and begged for his attention. He could keep it at bay and try to get rid of it, but it was never fully gone, it crept up to him in all hours of the day, digging its claws into his flesh.

Even as he made his way through the dark park that night, even then he wished for some way to ease this terrible feeling, his imagination came to his rescue with the simple yet pleasant thought of someone to share his time with- to keep him from sinking deeper into loneliness.

And that way was not just showing him some phantom faceless lover, it was a fragment of a deep wish, or even a dormant memory if such a thing was possible, it was Kuchiki Byakuya. Renji was calling out and the raven knew and heard and answered. 

"I don’t know why I keep denying it", he admitted. His heart was beating so hard in his chest he was sure Byakuya could hear it.

"It was like you said, we do not know each other. Not really."

Byakuya's way of reading him was almost scary, but Renji was grateful. It made him feel at ease, even if he was willing to let a complete stranger lay him bare like that. He gave a breathy laugh, "even so, was bringing me here like that really necessary? Did you think I would be happy about it?".

"Are you not?", despite asking it with a straight face there was humor behind the question.

Maybe it was because he became such an emotional wreck and his mind was all over the place, but the Byakuya's strange personality was starting to grow on him a little. Well, actually a lot. He wondered if at some point _his_ would stop making Byakuya look like he wished he could chug down an entire bucket of Aspirin, funny that he even cared about it now.

He did care, his mind and body seemed to have a will of their own the more he spend in the raven's company. Byakuya confessed to him, there was no doubt that he believed what he said, and Renji didn’t even feel the need to go ahead and mock him for it out of spite. He accepted those feelings as truth, a part of him reacted so strongly at the sound of those words that he wasn’t even going to pretend it didn’t. But to go as far as to call it love was pushing it too far. 

As much as he felt strange saying that he had to make sure the other understood, "The way you feel about me… I don’t feel the same way about you."

"I know", the raven said sadly, despite the serene look on his face, "I wish you would though."

This made the redhead's heart skip a beat. There was no way someone could _fall in love_ so fast, unless Byakuya meant what Renji thought he did- _'I wish we could have met before; I wish we could have met differently'_. It might have given him endless happiness, hearing someone say those words to him, but it was dawned by the dark thought that lurked in his mind this entire time- he was never going to go home.

From the moment he and Byakuya crossed paths he was doomed.

Renji was going to die in this place, that is what the beautiful man before him had implied when he asked.

He gathered some courage, fingers and feet fidgeting with newfound nervousness. "After we finish the ceremony," His eyes locked firmly on his knees, not able to look at Byakuya while asking this, "will I be able to leave? Despite knowing what I know now, will I be able to go back home?"

The word 'home' made him think of Rukia's and Ichigo's faces. It made his blood go cold with the thought of never seeing them again. 

"Once the both of us gain what we need, you may leave."

The young man sharply turned his head towards Byakuya, staring at him wide eyed. "This isn't what you said-". He shut his mouth instantly before he'll say something stupid.

The expression on Kuchiki's face was unreadable, the angelic futures looked as if they were made of marble.

Renji tried not to sound too hopeful but it was impossible not to, "Do you promise?", he asked like a child. It wasn't ideal in this situation, he should have known better than to sound like he was letting Byakuya have the obvious upper ground, but the simpler the better right?

"You should understand what it may take, Renji. this is not just about your blood. The ceremony needs things from you and me that may not be so easy to give. It may take days and even more." He sounded hesitant. It made the redhead wonder what kind of things will be required to complete it.

If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t really care. He was going home.

"I trust you", Renji said decisively. The weak hum of approval echoed in the back of his mind. "Do you trust _me_?"

Despite the sadness in his eyes, the raven's tone was gentle and honest, "I trust you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so, it began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, centering around the lord and the beast, a long, long time ago.

The lord's chest rose and fell heavily as his heartbeat slowed its quickened pace. The air in the room became too stifling for him to breath. His lungs filling with great difficulty, air struggling to pass through the lump in his throat.

The dread within him grew for the past days, weeks and months. Now becoming far too great for him to ignore.

He held her frail body as she sat in his lap, feather light and weak. Just as she was when he first laid eyes on her- when he stopped bowing on the floor in fear to actually raise his head and see the gentle soul that hid behind the grotesque figure he expected and got.

The fire no longer flowed through her veins. The smell of ashes and decaying flesh no longer followed her everywhere she went, leaving a rotting presence in the dormant walls of his grand estate.

He refused to call her 'it' any longer. Refused to let anyone do so in his presence. It did not feel right before she changed, and even more so _after_ she did.

After the blackened burned flesh turned lively and pink.

And the stringy dirt-covered grey web of hair turned a deep red, flowing like a crimson river all the way down to her boney waist.

She was as delicate and thin limbed as a baby fawn, a complete opposite to her previous broad and imposing build. Her entire body weighed nothing even as she sat in his lap, so light he feared she might take flight and disappear.

He held onto her skeletal thighs tightly, denting the skin and digging into faint muscle, surly leaving bruises he never intended to put there.

His four fingered hands no longer bleeding, no longer aching, no longer keeping him in check of his own grip. The fingers he lost were a mere price to pay in order to have her in his life. He will do so again and again if it meant keeping her safe and protected from the horrors she witnessed in a dying world.

Byakuya held her like a man holding onto faith when everything else was gone.

He dug his fingers even deeper in her flesh, not feeling even a slight flinch of pain from her.

It made his heart sink.

She assured him over and over that she did not mind the pain and that he could never harm her no matter how much _he_ feared he would. But he felt guilty for treating her this way, for being too weak to keep himself from falling apart.

Still, he preferred this guilt to the other one. The one that haunted his sleep ever since he found out what it might take from him in order to keep her by his side. 

Living and acting as a selfish loner, the lord Kuchiki Byakuya faced the full shame of his sins for the first time. He was a selfish man; the years did not change that.

No matter what she said.

He tried to tell her that before, tried to admit his most fetal flaw, despite his words falling on deaf ears.

_What kind of man hurts the ones he loves so dearly, just so that he could hold on for a little while longer?_

And he did love her.

More than anything he ever loved in his life. 

At first he was simply charmed by what he saw, after the shock and bone chilling fear made room for understanding and awe. Then, he started _noticing_ more and more and his heart overflowed with her.

It was the way she buried her face in fresh green leaves, the way she breathed in the cool air in the early hours of the morning and closed her eyes in delight when she tasted sugar for the first time. And _every other time_ after that.

The frightening beast that appeared before him on a dark winter night, heaving, bleeding and crawling on his floor, no longer made his blood run cold in dread at what he unleashed upon this world in his attempt of summoning a savior. The guttural heaves and gigantic horns made the lord who feared nothing wet himself like an infant while he bled and bowed on the floor.

He did not expect the beast to destroy the circle he carefully drew on the ground, ending the shrikes and wails that filled the room with their malice, cutting off every chance for something other than itself to pass through. In the silence that followed, broken only by the shocked gasps and frightened scrambles of cloaked nobles cowering in the corners, he listened to the gentle thud of horns on the floor.

He looked up between quickened breaths of pain and fear to see it mimicking his bow- jagged and broken claws resting on the bloody ash covered ground in complete surrender.

He couldn’t keep his eyes away from her when she took her first awkward steps with newly formed human feet, tapping softly and soundlessly, no longer surrounded by the clank of hooves on stone. She had gotten used to them rather quickly- lightly skipping with every step, fondly chasing every animal she came across. 

He even fell in love with the way his family treated her, slowly warming up to her and greeting her with genuine smiles every time they saw her. The young girls of the estate found the courage to approach him for the first time in their lives, pleading for him to teach them a few Latin words so that they could ask her to let them braid her hair.

Everything seemed to fill with life when she came close to it.

 _Especially_ him.

But her magic started to fade. The healthy skin turning a sickly grey at times, the warm eyes dimming and losing their light. She was strong before, felt no pain, carried herself with a straight back as she floated through the halls, her warm soft hand always held securely in his.

But he saw her slowly starting to slip away, leaking black blood on the white pristine sheets they shared and groaning faintly as she curled in on herself with new unbearable aches.

He saw it each morning they woke to another day together.

His family was thriving around them, life filled with glory and successes like they had never seen before. They rose from their lowest of lows to reclaim their riches. It was part of her gratitude, a gift she gave him for saving her from a dark painful existence she did not speak about. Even to him.

They were thriving, and she was dying.

No longer having the energy to keep her two sides alive, but still giving him every bit of the blessing she could.

She did it for him.

And now he had to do this for her.

It was ancient magic, the one she told him about, one that would take part between the two of them. He has taken from her, now she had to take from him. In a way, she asked for his humanity to step aside for a moment- to make them one and the same.

_In order to fix it all he must crush it first._

Her strength will return, she said. Her pain will disappear, she promised. Her blood will flow red once more. _Just like his_ , she cursed.

He hadn’t moved for a long time now, face buried in a pale delicate neck. She did not rush him, only ran her fingers through his hair in comfort, too exhausted to do more than that. He kept still, listening to her heartbeat, feeling her pulse against his lips.

Her beautiful hair stuck to the sweat on her skin, descending down her back like a crimson veil.

The lord only held her tighter, fearing he might scream if he let her go.

She leaned back, pressing her soft lips to his sweaty brow. He felt her smile. She smiled so much against his skin that he became addicted to that feeling. Her hands stopped caressing his hair and held his face in her palms. She made him look into her eyes, the candlelight dancing in them in what his childish side chose to identify as mockery.

He wished he could ignore what she said.

Wished he didn’t even hear the words.

_If only she could stay silent for a little longer._

-"You have my trust."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a head's up- this chapter is NSFW.
> 
> Another warning: this chapter does contain a mention of non-con actions, so please be aware.

Something passed between Renji and Byakuya the moment they chose to word out their agreement of trust. Renji couldn’t quite put his finger on exactly what it was, but he was certain that they both shared the mutual understanding that they were in this _together_.

His agreement made everything more personal somehow.

The redhead wasn't sure what to do now. Well, there wasn't really anything he _could_ do besides sit there and wait for Byakuya to start the ceremony or whatever. He trusted the raven, but the thought of having to go through the entire thing still made him nervous. Renji had no idea what he was getting himself into at all. No matter how brave he wanted to be, a small panic still rooted itself in his gut. 

"There will not be any need for other people, what is going to happen will require only you and I," the raven said.

 _Okay. That was good to hear._ He was glad Byakuya repeated what he already knew as a reminder in order to calm him.

The nod he gave was much stiffer than he had intended.

"Do you wish for me to tell you about it?" The way he asked that with genuine concern was such an opposite to the way he just seemed to tell Renji everything up until this point with the expectation of him just following along.

Yeah, the redhead must have been more stressed than he realized if Byakuya thought he wouldn't even want to know about the whole thing, and just go on with it.

It was tempting- just sitting here letting Byakuya do what he needed and wait for it to be over, but Renji decided against it. He already knew that he was the key element in this entire thing, he _should_ be present. If anything, he was quite curious as to what it would be like.

The redhead never thought of himself as special in any way; didn't have any abnormal abilities or anything remotely as out of the ordinary as that. Not even close. The blood-red hair _was_ weird, that was true, but he really did think it was just his own defect.

Renji was completely normal. No one ever looked at him like he was different or something to be feared or avoided, but also not something worth admiring.

Well, no one up until _now_.

Byakuya looked at him in a way that made him feel raw.

Not at first of course. At the beginning the raven seemed to be able to control himself so much that he could mask his emptions and thoughts completely. But as time went on he let himself be more open, his eyes couldn't hide everything anymore. Renji wondered if the raven would have looked at him this way if not for the knowledge of their united fate.

Probably not. Byakuya seemed untouchable; he was in a league of his own, a different _world_ altogether. One that the redhead could never reach without this trump card.

Renji nodded, confirming that he really wanted to hear about the ceremony, and every step of the way.

Byakuya lifted his arm, pointing in the direction of one of the candle pillars on Renji's left. The redhead's eyes followed the movement, locking on the long candle. "The first, symbolizes the fire," the raven started explaining in his velvety baritone, "it came from the candlelight surrounding the pentagram as lord Kuchiki summoned the beast for the first time."

"- The second one symbolizes water, for the rain pouring on that night so many years ago. Third- air, clean and pure in the eyes someone who has never breathed air like it before."

With each candle he named the ravens finger followed, leading Renji's eyes.

"The fourth is earth, for soil." On that one Byakuya didn’t elaborate but Renji could make the connection well by himself.

"What does this one mean?" Renji inclined his chin in the direction he wanted Byakuya's attention to go to.

The fifth candle, the one that stood in front of the redhead when he sat and looked forward, the one Byakuya stood next to when he first removed his hood- was ignored.

The dark-haired man looked at it briefly and simply said, "life."

"A new life shared together." Renji's voice was quiet.

Byakuya just nodded. His face showed some sort of pride in the redhead's statement, one of the corners of his mouth tugging upwards in a rare half smile.

"The five candles are connected by an ancient spell carved onto the floor, connecting all five to one another and to you sitting at its center. It is written in a language originating from the beast's birthplace, spoken by the residence in the realm below."

Renji couldn't see what Byakuya was talking about but he could imagine a web of strange marks surrounding him. If the markings on his own face were anything to go by, they must have looked like random bold and sharp lines clustering together. "You can read it, right? can you speak the language too?"

"I can understand it well enough when written. Unfortunately pronouncing it is… beyond human capabilities."

A silent language only meant to be seen and felt.

It was somehow tragic and beautiful at the same time. Maybe even a little funny if the attempt of pronouncing it made those who gave it a try sound like cartoon aliens or some shit like that. It made Renji appreciate the raven's determination, studying and learning it from a young age despite the barriers. How many hours it must have taken, sitting hunched over a desk, nose buried in a pile of work.

"Did the beast write it?" Renji asked.

He wasn't entirely expecting the nod of affirmation coming from Byakuya.

It gave him the creeps when he thought about it- having a creature barely perceived in the human mind, carving marks on a cold stone floor. So deep that they were still visible after what might have been centuries.

"As the candles were being lit around you, the chosen members of my family recited their prayers for good luck and good fortune. They prayed for you as well, and among it gave their gratitude for the light that would come with your presence."

So even as he was unconscious the ceremony was already set in motion, at least for Byakuya's family who weren’t meant to stay for the duration of it. Renji wondered if that was the reason they stood so still when he stared them down in horror- the need to recite prayers for his wellbeing and not bother to even speak or calm him because he was none of their concern.

Upon awakening he almost died of fear. If not for Byakuya's voice taking him out of his miserable state he would not have noticed the many people standing around him. What did they look like under their hoods? How did he look like to them, being feral and loud and out of control? Byakuya stood among them, did they look to him in search of grounding? Or did they just believe he chose the right person? Maybe they didn’t matter at all.

The fact that they were led by good intentions made him feel less hateful towards them. It didn't erase what they had done to him, but it did soften his heart a little.

Byakuya Kuchiki loved his family, that much was unmistakable. Everything he did was in order to become their leader.

No, he already was.

Despite his age, they had full faith in him. The raven already carried himself with the aura of importance among them. The absolute attention in which they listened while he spoke gave even someone in his state the clear idea of who was speaking to him. No one else besides Byakuya was needed to console Renji. _He_ was the only one stepping into his line of sight. The rest of the people were blurred and hidden in the shadows. Mere weeds to his full bloom.

The words echoed in his mind once more, _'It is only between you and me'_. Just the two of them in a circle of light. 

"So, if everything was already set in motion, the next step must be-"

"The blood sacrifice." The raven cut in.

"Already, huh?" The redhead ignored the weak twist in his gut.

He had come to terms with it, Renji would do what it takes and give the raven as much blood as he needs. This wouldn't kill him. Byakuya _promised_.

"You can relax; I will only take a little blood. But I will need you to lie down."

Renji didn’t comply at first despite his will to do as he was told.

Sitting up gave him a false feeling of control. He didn’t want to lose it. No matter how nice the Kuchiki was to him now, Renji was still at his mercy.

He couldn't lie down.

_He will freak out if he did._

Byakuya seemed to understand his distress so he did what Renji wouldn’t have thought possible even in a million years- he rested his arm on Renji's far calf, the other rooting itself near the redhead's hand, their fingertips touching. "Look at me. Renji, look at me."

The redhead turned his wide eyes to him.

Byakuya was leaning close, running his hand up and down Renji's leg. "Listen to me," he said softly. "You said you trusted me. You can. I trust you as well. Right now, is the part that we were preparing for. Your blood is what will give the blessing. You are special, everything about you is made of magic old and rare and I will not take anything that you are not able to give. You are _not_ below me, Renji. _Remember it_. You are not. Even after the ceremony ends."

Renji's lower lip quivered. He wished he could grab onto something else besides the strap around his wrist, _anything_ , any part of the one standing before him, to fully hold and find solace in.

The redhead moved his fingers so that the tips could brush against Byakuya's. "What would it look like? what will happen to you after you take my blood?"

He needed to hear Kuchiki's voice more, needed to get lost in a story again.

Byakuya's hand crept closer to Renji's, more of their fingers touching. The raven could partially entwine their fingers together, his other hand never stopping its slow caresses. "I am going to become a better version of myself- Stronger and healthier. The promise of good luck will run in my veins. All those will last for what will be a few lifetimes for others. I will become someone who truly deserves to rule his family, a protector not effected by old age or illness or injury, until it will be my time to step down and let the next heir take my place."

There was no fear and no sadness in his voice as he said those things, only mature acceptance and calmness.

Renji's fingers tightened on Byakuya's.

What a terrible thing it was, having to carry this weight since birth. Up until now Renji hadn’t paid attention to the way the raven spoke of his blessing. It didn’t sound like a person excitedly excepting a miracle but a person agreeing to it in because he didn’t know any better.

This damned tradition may have been a true blessing at first but just like any other thing that was being passed down for generations, it became a duty. And if he recalled correctly- for some, even a burden.

Renji thought of the way Byakuya seemed lost in his own inner thoughts when he told him of the resentment he felt for him at first. He was probably beating himself still for those times of hesitation when he was torn between stepping forward and running away.

Life was a bitch, and it dropped Renji, of all people, in his lap.

The dormant voice in him was riled up, the habit of thinking lowly of himself made anger bubble to the surface. He tried to push it down, but it fought him, pinching the back of his mind in annoyance.

_He was not below Byakuya._

_He should listen._

_He was meant to be here. It was his right, his destiny._

The redhead calmed down, his breathing no longer quick and shallow.

Byakuya took it as a good sign and continued explaining the process as simply as he could, "it will just be a small cut, enough for a few drops and nothing more. The hardest part will probably be me having to drink it."

Renji blinked at him. "That's… _disgusting_."

"It is." There was no malice in his voice.

It almost made Renji smile. Almost.

The redhead only gave the raven's fingers a light squeeze. "You should change the name," he said lightheartedly.

Byakuya seemed confused.

"The name of this particular part I mean. ' _Sacrifice_ ' sounds terrifying." He didn’t have time to catch Byakuya's reaction as he lay down, limbs stretching. His shoulders ached from being in such an uncomfortable sitting position for so long. He lifted his hips off the cold stone surface allowing blood to finally rush back to his numb ass.

The raven's hand left his leg, fingers untwining from his, and he straightened up to his full height again. He seemed so tall now, looking cold and imposing. It might have sent a rush of panic through Renji's body once more if not for the lingering feeling of the kind touch.

With a last reassuring look, the man moved. 

Byakuya went around the alter, so Renji had to tilt his head back in order to see what he was doing. The raven stood not far behind him; the hood was back on his head cloaking his eyes. There was what seemed to be a small wooden table in front of him. A few small objects were arranged on top of it, but the redhead couldn't see what they were.

He couldn’t feel Byakuya's eyes on him anymore. The other must have given his entire attention to the things in front of him. The angle made it hard to notice much, but Renji still squinted his eyes to try and see beyond the blur of weak amber light and shadows.

He wished he could see the raven's eyes, to try and identify what kind of emotions they hid. Only the lower half of his pale face showed, the tip of his straight nose and his sharp chin. His own brown orbs focused on Byakuya's lips just as they began to move. He was murmuring something that Renji couldn’t hear from this distance either.

Two pillars holding candles were lit behind him, making his figure seem dark and earie in comparison as he chanted. The robes took away any defining feature his body might have had, turning Byakuya into a dark faceless ghost. The creases in the fabric reminded Renji of the tall candles they were surrounded with, their wax slowly melting and cascading along their holds, telling the story of their short lives. 

As soon as Byakuya's lips stopped, he picked two small objects from the table- one in each hand. Renji might have imagined it, but the candles at his back seemed to flicker the second the raven touched the objects.

Byakuya came back to stand behind Renji, putting each of the objects at his sides. The small metallic sound they made as they came in contact with the stone made him turn his head in curiosity, only to be stopped by Byakuya's gentle hands. They now rested on either side of his face.

His heartbeat accelerated. It only worsened by the fact that Byakuya went ahead and kneeled behind him, bringing their faces so close that Renji could feel the raven's warm breath on his brow.

The redhead parted his lips slightly, not knowing what he intended to do or say in light of the other's bold move. 

He didn’t know where to direct his eyes or what to do or how to react.

The thumbs began caressing his cheeks as Byakuya's lips made the smallest contact with the top of his head. The raven's low and velvety baritone send a shiver down the redhead's spine, making heat gather in his stomach as he whispered, "trust me."

Renji looked up at the painted celling, giving one last look to the dancing pair drawn in soft colors, before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes.

It took him a few more deep breaths to calm down enough for the raven to start chanting again.

It began slowly, a gentle caress of air with each word, sending light flickers of heat down his face and neck. The chants were quiet -no louder than a whisper- softly murmured into his hair.

The language didn’t sound familiar to Renji in the slightest. 

As the murmurs grew quicker the feeling of heat seemed to increase, becoming more than just the heat that rushed to his cheeks at Byakuya's doings. It must have been Renji's imagination playing tricks on him.

The heat was because of Byakuya's breath, the more air he breathed out the hotter it got. There, simple.

The light of the candles increased its frantic dancing behind Renji's closed eyelids. So, he opened his eyes to see that indeed, the flames were moving violently, as if there was a storm in the room.

But there was none, not even weak wind. The air in the room was still.

The heat kept getting stronger, moving slowly across the redhead's body. He began breathing faster, there was no ignoring it now, something was not right. His hands scraped the surface he was laying on, legs starting to shake. He wanted to stop whatever Byakuya was doing, wanted to yell to him that something wasn't going the way it should. But he was stopped by the twitch of the raven's fingers on his cheeks.

Byakuya was shaking.

Just as Renji was about to open his mouth again, Byakuya's forehead pressed to his. The frantic chanting continued but the raven kept pressing.

Renji understood what it meant,

_stay still,_

_calm down,_

_you're okay,_

_were okay._

The redhead bit his lower lip, scrunching his brow. The flames growing and moving even more violently now, the heat increasing in his fingers and feet.

The incoherent words spilling from Byakuya's lips were pressing so hard on his ears now, as if they were trying to breach their way into his head. Their force felt unbelievable, some even echoed from within his mind in repetition to the raven's frantic chants,

_'Fire and brimstone'_

_Heat grew so much, that it was almost unbearable._

_'The wicked and the blessed'_

_He was_ burning.

_'Awaken thee'_

The candles went out, their flam latching on to every nerve in his body as he was set ablaze in the darkness.

Byakuya's chants came to a stop. The fire disappeared. The candles lit again. Nothing felt out of place anymore, nothing hurt. Renji's racing heart and the cold sweat covering his skin were the only reminder that anything had happened at all.

He was shaken. The soft caresses of Byakuya's trembling thumbs were the only thing he was able to focus on. He could feel the other's warm breath on him, lips still only a hair's breadth away.

"B-Byakuya?" Renji asked weakly. 

"Are you able to sit?" Came the reply as the Kuchiki's hands let go of him.

Renji nodded briefly and slowly sat back up, his long hair sticking to his neck.

His eyes were focused on the black swirling lines tattooed on his thighs when the raven handed him a glass filled with a clear liquid. The redhead couldn't take it of course so he gave a small nod of approval and tilted his chin up as Byakuya brought it to his lips.

The cool water got his mind to focus again. Cooling him from within and easing his dry throat. He finished the glass and lay back down, turning his head to the left to look at the object Byakuya put down there earlier. It was a golden bowl, tiny and shallow.

Pale fingers picked it up, as the raven went on to stand near Renji's hand. The hood was no longer on, hiding his beautiful face in dark shadows. He put the bowl down, taking Renji's hand in his own.

The redhead stared at his own arm. It looked completely fine, no trace of the searing heat that nearly melted his fingers off just moments before.

Byakuya held Renji's palm up. "One last thing and then it will be over." His eyes were seeking approval on the redhead's face.

Again, with a weak nod, Renji let him know it was alright to continue.

He expected the small blade, expected the sting of pain as it slashed his palm. He even embraced the feeling of blood trickling slowly into the small bowl. The redhead hadn’t moved at all as it filled up the tiny vessel. Neither of them did. In the silence, the sound of blood drops hitting metal was as loud as gunshots. Renji counted no more than ten.

The last drop made a different sound, compared to the others.

When the redhead looked at the bowl, it was full to the brim.

 _How the hell?_ _…_

Byakuya pressed a bandage to the wound, carefully wrapping it around the younger man's palm. The raven finished his work but kept holding Renji's hand in his, running a finger over the knuckles, before putting it down gently.

His eyes kept lingering on it even after he no longer held him.

This is it. Now Byakuya was going to drink his blood and get what he wants. Renji was sceptic at first, but it seemed there was truly something unnatural about himself. It wasn't all just a show. His mind wasn't playing tricks on him.

And Byakuya? He wasn’t just cold to him, the raven still seemed shaken by what had happened. This is why he was being quiet; he must have never experienced anything like this before, either.

Renji thought about the way the raven's fingers shook as he held him during his chant. The pain the redhead felt, Byakuya must have gone through as well. The press of his brow to Renji's was not only his way of calming him down, it also held the words the raven himself couldn’t utter,

_'I know'_

_'I feel it as well'_

_'But I cannot stop'_

"I'm not jealous of you." Renji tried to sound lighthearted despite the lump in his throat.

Renji's attempt of getting Byakuya out of his dark mood seemed to work, because the raven let out a breathy laugh as he said, "you really mustn’t be."

With that, Byakuya lifted the vial to his lips and with a last lock of their eyes, he drank it down. Renji could see his throat bobbing as the blood went into his body, could see the way his eyes were closed in complete serenity.

Byakuya put the small bowl down, wiping the traces of blood from his lips with his dark sleeve. It seemed as if nothing happened at first, but when Byakuya opened his eyes they glowed like silver fire.

No lightning crashed. No fire erupted from beneath their feet. Byakuya didn’t start flying or speaking in tongues. He simply looked at Renji with those burning eyes of his and then they dimmed and returned to their sharp and stormy old selves.

_Was that it? was Byakuya truly blessed now?_

There didn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary… but that might be because it was _Byakuya_ , actually. The redhead wouldn't put it past him to already look like the perfect version of his healthy and enhanced self.

The redhead could have sworn something _snorted_ in the back of his mind.

_No. not something. That damned beast did._

Renji sat back up as he looked at the raven, a rare smile growing on the others face. "Thank you, Renji."

"So, is that it?" the redhead asked shyly. For some reason a small seed of sadness sat in his chest.

The blood rite ended; he had no use anymore. He could go home and forget the whole ordeal as Byakuya sat in his castle for decades, keeping an eye over the ones he truly loved. Not the one he supposedly fell for and had to let go now.

"The first part is over, yes. The next is more… difficult."

If Renji didn't know any better, he might have thought the raven sounded shy.

The beast's talons tightened in his mind, again dragging across his scalp. What the hell could be even harder than that fiery torture they both just went through?

And even stranger, what could be worse and make Byakuya sound like _that._

"What's it gonna take?" the redhead asked with sheer curiosity. He wasn't going to back down from any challenge. He was going to finish what they started, and then he was going home.

He was doing it for himself.

But if he was being _truly_ honest, he was doing it for Byakuya as well.

This newfound determination to help the other was not unwelcome.

The raven looked at him underneath lowered lashes and started to quote his own words from the first time he told Renji about the beast. " _After the pact was sealed, the two became one_." His look turned stern. "This is why I told you I cannot let you go after I take your blood, Renji. I will not make you give me something you do not wish to give."

Byakuya avoided looking at his eyes. "After receiving the blood of the beast, the core of life is need. _The essence_." A muscle in the raven's jaw tightened.

Abarai's stomach flipped with the thought of what Byakuya was implying.

The latter lifted his eyes to Renji's. "It is what is needed from you to carry on with the pact. Yet I will not make you give it now. Even if it might take days, or months, or years, I will wait. I am aware it sounds as if I am twisting your arm, but I give you my word. Despite you having to stay here, I will not lay a hand on you in such manner until you give me permission."

Renji's heart was beating so hard that he could feel his own pulse violently thrumming under his skin. He stared wide eyed at the raven, face feeling impossibly hot.

_He needed his essence, which meant…_

"My sperm," the redhead let out dumbly.

The other just nodded in confirmation.

Renji had no doubt about the fact that Byakuya won't touch him without his approval. Up until now every touch was innocent, meant for comfort and grounding. Despite Renji's visible earlier struggles with his body reacting to every contact they made, the other never took advantage of it. He never commented about it, never making Renji feel like he was weak and submissive by reacting this way.

This wasn’t the behavior of someone who will take what he wants by force. Hell, there was a half-naked shackled man at his mercy and Byakuya did nothing to make it seem like he owned Renji's body in any way.

_Maybe you're giving him too much credit. Maybe all his love confessions don't include being physically attracted to you. That's why he has no problem letting you off the hook with this one._

_It could be true but…_

He thought of the way their eyes locked. The way the raven gently stroke his skin. The small breath that escaped Byakuya's mouth as his lips came in contact with the crown of Renji's head.

All those little things made the redhead's head spin. They made butterflies catch flight in his stomach. If he felt those things than maybe Byakuya felt them too.

"You won't do it if I say 'no', but you'll lock me in a cage until I say 'yes'. What kind of bullshit is that?" Renji didn’t raise his voice this time. He didn't need to. The words seemed to pierce Byakuya with their truth alone.

The raven lowered his eyes in shame. He didn't apologies, but he seemed to understand now that he _should_.

That was Byakuya. Forever torn between what he thought was right his entire life, having the world yield to his wishes, and the small part of him that never wished to cause any harm.

When they were alone his demeanor changed. The ice running through his veins started to slowly melt off. Perhaps it was all a show from the start, a king with a golden crown as heavy as an entire castle weighing him down. A man who couldn't stay still when he realized that Renji was like any other. That if he were to be beaten down, he _would_ break.

Just like the first words Byakuya ever said to him, the harsh slap at the sound of his defeated subs- cruel at first, only to turn out to be a panicked attempt of pulling him out of the dark pit he was falling into.

The feeling of being touched like that against his will made Renji feel sick. The utter terror of discovering that he barely had any clothing on, being tied up and in the dark as to what had happened to him, chilled him in a way he never knew before.

The first time he thought Byakuya was going to lay a hand on him, he pulled his legs towards himself in a desperate attempt to get away. But he learned that there was no such danger around the raven. Renji started to relax around Byakuya. Started to accept his presence. Started to take comfort in their physical contact.

After learning the truth about what he was -what they were to each other- he even wanted Byakuya to touch him in ways he shouldn't have thought about at all.

It brought heat to the lower part of his body, face and neck becoming even hotter than before. He could feel the blood pumping in him getting faster and faster, making his bruised palm throb with the intensity of it.

"It's fucked up," he breathed out. "Everything about us is so messed up."

Byakuya looked at him with a soft expression, his voice carrying a slight rasp. "We do not have to do it right now; you are able to-"

"I'm not saying no," Renji told the beautiful man before him.

The widening of Byakuya's eyes gave him more confidence in his decision.

He hoped that the raven would understand that he wasn't saying 'yes' just to be able to get away faster. "You can have what you need right now." The way those steely grey eyes narrowed and locked on him behind lower lashes gave him the assurance that Byakuya understood. "I-… I want you to touch me."

Byakuya's warm hand went to Renji's tattooed thigh, sanding a shiver through his entire body with the heat it seemed to radiate. It moved down, the tips of the man's fingers grazing the hem of Renji's robe. He asked in that low voice of his, "can I have you?"

"Yes," the redhead breathed out, not able to keep a calm front any longer.

Renji expected Byakuya's hand to reach into his robe, but the raven reached under the alter instead and pulled something that sounded like leather. He then gently grabbed Renji's knees and pushed them towards the redhead.

There was no resistance from the straps keeping his legs in place. They were still wrapped around his ankles, and he couldn’t bring his legs all the way back towards himself, but it was enough to finally feel less caged.

In the space created on the alter Byakuya's figure took place towering above Renji. The redhead swallowed thickly, his shaky legs spreading slightly apart on instinct as he looked up at the raven. The movement caused Byakuya's breathing to falter, the subtle invitation not lost on him.

Again, Renji could see the way Byakuya bit the inner part of his lower lip and the movement of his sculpted jaw. The dim candlelight in the dark room casted shadows on his face, making his high cheek bones stand out even more. His inky black hair seemed to swallow the light. His strong chest rising and falling with every deep breath he took. The sharpness in those steely eyes filled with lust.

Byakuya Kuchiki was truly breathtaking.

He moved slowly, just his knuckles grazing Renji's inner thighs at first. They made their way across the impossibly soft and sensitive skin, the heat gathering between his legs made the redhead part his lips, his skin covering in goose bumps. He couldn't keep it from happening, letting his body take full control from now.

Let Byakuya see what he was doing to him, that he truly wished to be touched.

Renji could feel the way the other's hands went to the knot at his front, taking their time in undoing it. The velvety fabric glided across his skin as those hands slid the robe open, exposing him completely.

He didn’t think he was breathing as he looked at the way Byakuya's lips parted at the sight of him. The raven could at last see all of Renji, how hard he was, how flushed, how completely lost.

Byakuya smiled. At the mere sight of it a small sound escaped Renji's mouth. This only made Byakuya smile wider, the faintest of dents appearing on his cheeks. The raven's eyes traced the black lines adoring the redhead's sculpted abdomen and chest, taking in every single detail, almost as if he was branding it into his mind.

Renji wondered if he was reading something in them too.

His eyes lifted to Renji's face, looking at him behind lowered lashes. His right hand came back to the tattooed thigh, gliding along it, feeling the hot skin and muscles beneath. All the way up to his hip and his waist, where it stayed.

With every trace and movement, Byakuya kept leaning forward between the redhead's legs.

The closer he got to Renji the harder the latter's heart was beating; the quicker his breathing got. The dark-haired man stopped, their faces only mere inches apart, the tips of their noses touching and breath mingling. Byakuya's pupils were so wide his eyes seemed overtaken by the blackness.

He closed the distance between them, mouth going to the redhead's jaw, smiling against the skin at the gasp Renji let out.

He kissed his way along the sharp line to the sensitive spot beneath the ear, earning himself a reward in the way the body under him shuddered. The feeling of the raven smiling made the redhead's toes curl.

Renji bit his lower lip as Byakuya was nibbling and leaving soft open-mouthed kisses below his ear and on his neck, occasionally adding the graze of teeth and earning himself shudders and needy noises the redhead was trying -and failing- to muffle.

He must have figured out the weakness of the one he was keeping under his spell because suddenly Byakuya bit down, _Hard_ , dragging a groan of pleasure from Renji. The raven bit again dragging out another, more guttural, followed by the thrust of the redhead's hips.

The wicked mouth kept abusing his neck, landing more kisses and licks of apology on the spots Byakuya bit.

Renji tried to give him more space by exposing more of his neck, which the raven gladly took advantage of.

The way Byakuya slowly kissed and bit every place he could on Renji's skin was sending the blood straight to his groin, the warm pleasure spreading across his body making him impossibly hard. He thrusted his hips up again seeking friction. Unfortunately, not being able to find any besides the loose fabric of Byakuya's silky robes. It wasn’t enough. He needed more. It wasn't fair that even with Byakuya between his legs he _still_ couldn't feel the other's body against his.

When the raven was only mere inches away from him. Renji was sure he was going to kiss him at first -his mouth tingled in anticipation- but he didn't. Byakuya didn't cross that line with him, and Renji wasn't sure if he was frustrated or grateful for it.

He could feel the other's nose and lips graze his skin as Byakuya kept kissing his way down his neck and collar bones. The hand that was previously on his waist began gently caressing his side. The touch warm and incredibly _loving_.

Byakuya's soft mouth was tracing the tattoos on his chest, a ghost of a tongue joining it in a sweet slow torture. The redhead's eyes opened, wanting to look at Byakuya, only to close shut again as that warm wet mouth found his right nipple, taking it in, making the redhead throw his head back in bliss, an open-mouthed moan escaping him.

The tip of the tongue teased its peak, only to be replaced by a gentle graze of teeth and open-mouthed kisses again. Renji's chest was on fire, his legs pulling on the leather straps as they kept spreading at the slightest feeling of Byakuya's thighs touching his own. Even the pinching pain of it felt good, making him arch his back.

Byakuya's mouth left his nipple only to go ahead and take the other one in, starting his slow torture again. The hand caressing Renji's side moved to his hip, holding him down and preventing him from moving.

The deprivation of the minimal contact he had with the fabric made Renji arch his back even more, letting out a needy whine.

" _fuck_ ," Byakuya breathed out around the sensitive nub in his mouth.

The hot puff of air sent another rush of blood to the redhead's leaking cock, already aching with need for release.

Renji couldn't take this much longer. His hair already stuck to the sweat on his neck and temples, the sweat running down his spine soaking the velvety fabric of his black robe. He had to cum or he might lose his mind. "p-please," he uttered between labored breathes and keens. "Please."

Byakuya understood.

The hand holding Renji's waist moved to his thigh, the fingers digging into the damp skin, as the raven lifted his dark head to look at the redhead for a final reassurance, before starting to kiss his way down Renji's body.

The sight of Byakuya in that moment was almost enough to make Abarai explode. His lips were parted and glistening, his cheeks flushed in a beautiful shade mixed with the golden glow of the candlelight, and his eyes were completely black, pupils so dilated that it left only a thin ring of color.

The breathes he took were almost as heavy as the ones coming from Renji.

But what was most maddening, was the smile he gave him before starting his way down. The redhead couldn’t help but look at him. He was so _different_ from the reserved stony-faced stranger he was when they first met. The raven grazed his nose in the crimson trail below Renji's navel and gave a final touch of his lips. He murmured something the other couldn't hear before lifting his head.

Positioning himself again, the raven took in the mess before him. He wasn’t much better, seeming lost in his own world.

This wasn't just a thing of necessity anymore.

Perhaps from the start it was a way for Byakuya to lay his hands on him and show him how much they both wanted it. Kuchiki took his time with it- not rushing, not pulling and grabbing and taking. Only giving.

It drove Renji crazy with need. Not just for release but also for touching Byakuya too. He wanted to run his fingers through the dark hair and put his lips on flushed pale skin. He wanted to be able to wrap his legs around the raven and keep him close.

Renji shouldn't feel this way towards someone he just met. Shouldn’t let himself be overtaken by this spell. But he couldn’t control it.

Never in his life did he ever feel the need to just feel someone's skin against his. Never wanted to hear someone else's heartbeat thrumming against his chest so badly.

The hand on the redhead's thigh slowly made its way across his skin to wrap the long fingers around his hard member. The two of them locked eyes, both panting, both flushed and begging with their eyes. To touch and to be touched.

Renji didn’t want to beg again.

He wanted Byakuya to just move his hand, but he couldn't allow himself to ask for it. The pressure of the thumb running gentle circles on the underside of his leaking cock was making the pressure in his groin impossible to bare. The small noise escaping him was enough to let Byakuya know that he couldn't take it anymore.

He was burning differently now.

To Renji's disbelief, the raven didn't move his hand. Instead, he just lowered his head, taking the redhead in his mouth. The sudden wet heat made Renji buck his hips upwards on reflex, but the hand holding him in place was firm, not letting him move. As Byakuya took more of him, his stormy eyes closed with satisfaction and he practically purred around Renji. The vibration in his throat sent jolts of pleasure through Abarai's spine. The heat gathering there made his legs weak.

As Byakuya started to withdraw the redhead knew that he wasn't going to hold it any longer. "I'm gonna' cum," he breathed out in warning as the tip of the raven's tongue teased the sensitive head.

His abs contracted as the other ignored him and lowered his head again. The thumb of the hand holding Renji in place stroke soothing circles on his hip.

As Byakuya withdrew again, the redhead's last restrain snapped.

"I-I can't, I'm-" He cut himself off with a cry, throwing his head back. Overtaken by pleasure, eyes closing shut with the intensity of release, he spilled himself into Byakuya's beautiful mouth.

The raven kept his mouth on him, slowly sucking Renji's cock through his orgasm, sending jolts of pleasure through the overstimulated redhead.

As the waves stopped crashing through him Renji weakly opened his eyes. He was slowly coming down from his high, eyes stinging with a strange burn. It was hard to focus on anything around him. A thick buzz wrapped around him like second skin, muffling everything.

Through the blur he could see the celling he spent so much time looking at. The buzz in his head kept him from being able to think, only allowing him to stare in silence.

He could only vaguely feel Byakuya gently letting go of him and getting off the alter.

The thrumming of his heartbeat overpowered all sounds. It pounded dully in his ears making the hollow feeling suddenly settling in his chest grow stronger. Carrying a strange numbness with it, the hollowness grew and grew, expending the pit within him, until he could vaguely feel it everywhere. Even in his teeth and the tips of his hair.

Renji thought he heard Byakuya call out his name. Maybe he was saying something else but Renji didn’t catch that. He just kept staring at the dancing couple, letting the numbness ware off little by little.

_What had he done?_

The fog in his mind cleared enough to be able to feel the hand on his arm.

"… Renji?" Came the concerned voice of the raven.

Renji turned his face towards Byakuya. The dark-haired man's face was still flushed, his collar slightly open, revealing a pale throat. The silky black hair stuck to his neck, lips pink and swollen. He saw the concern in the bright eyes searching his face for signs of distress.

When Byakuya didn't find any, he mustered enough courage to move a rogue strand of hair from Renji's face and rest his hand on the flushed cheek. The redhead didn't move, only looked at Byakuya with an unreadable expression.

"Are you alright?"

"Take them off." Came the quiet replay.

Byakuya didn’t make any move.

Renji knew he understood what he meant. _He couldn’t handle this bullshit right now_. "Take them off!" he said urgently.

At the hesitation given by the raven, Renji's voice became laced with frustration. "Take them off!" He repeated. "Please, _Byakuya_."

The sound of his own name made Byakuya spring into action. His hands immediately went to the buckle at Renji's wrist. As he released it, they both noticed the darkening bruises around the joint.

Even as his hands worked on the other buckle, the Kuchiki kept staring at the hand now in Renji's lap- bandaged and bruised.

"It's fine." The redhead assured him. 

When the other wrist was free, Renji sat up normally at last. The bruised hands rested in his lap, ignored completely.

"I'm sorry." Came Byakuya's voice.

It was laced with so much regret that Renji couldn't help but look at him. The raven seemed unsure of what to do, being almost lost at the unreadable expression on Renji's face.

"I said it's fine. I don't care anymore, honestly." He really didn't. He was just sitting there, sweaty and naked and waiting.

The way Byakuya just _stood there_ , looking at him with concern and not doing much else told him exactly what he needed to know.

It wasn't over. He was still a prisoner. It was stupid to even ask if he could go now. The way Byakuya looked at him with such remorse and not relief let him know that there was more to it than just what they had done so far.

Releasing his arms was probably nothing too crazy for Byakuya, only a mare inconvenience of having to restrain Renji if he goes out of control. The ceremony _was_ supposed to make Byakuya stronger after all. In his moment of bliss Renji didn’t even look to see the raven's eyes glowing once more. For all he knew, the man could break his bones with his bare hands.

_He will never hurt me. He will never cause me harm._

If there was ever a chance to go home it was now, when Byakuya looked at him like a delicate thing- too tired to move and trusting the raven who showed him nothing but care and love after what they had just done.

He could do it.

He could slam his head straight in Kuchiki Byakuya's perfect nose. If Renji was lucky it might break. And if not, the pain and shock would still give Renji an opening to wrap his hands around that pale throat and strangle him.

No one will come, no one will hear, and he could go and leave this place behind him.

He would forget about everything that happened to him; he would forget about Byakuya.

The warm memory of kind touches and loving words will be gone. The connection that they were meant to have, that they already _did_ have, would be burnt and scattered. The only reminder of the things he felt when his heart threatened to burst out of his chest with the need to wrap his arms around Kuchiki Byakuya would be the tattoo on his face and nothing else.

They meant _nothing_ to each other besides that dark truth. 

_'The more glimpses of you I got, your laugh, your smile, the more I fell in love with you.'_

Renji surprised even himself with how fast he moved.

Byakuya didn’t even have the time to blink as Renji flung his arms around his neck, crashing their lips together with such force that he might have been pushed back if not for the arms holding him.

Renji's body slacked, letting all his weight pull the two of them down, breaking Byakuya's perfect balance as he awkwardly stumbled forward quickly wrapping one arm around Renji's middle while the other prevented the redhead from hitting the stone beneath him.

The smacking sound his hand made as it connected with the alter echoed through the room.

The redhead was kissing Byakuya like his life depended on it. Not minding the clash of noses and teeth in the slightest. The other didn't seem to mind either, returning the kiss with the same enthusiasm, even sneaking his tongue into Renji's mouth as he parted his lips in a weak moan at the electricity coursing through them both.

Byakuya's arm tightened around him, keeping them as close as possible.

He could have done it.

He could have gotten away.

 _But he didn’t want to_.

Cruel fate be dammed, Renji's heart ached with the thought of leaving.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are two sides to every story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty long and a little different.  
> It's Byakuya's POV and Byakuya centered, telling his own story before the events of that night.  
> I hope you enjoy:)

Byakuya lay there in the darkness for what might have been hours. The blanket covering his head had him locked in a stifling cocoon of his own body heat, making his clothes feel clammy and bothersome, but still he didn’t make any move to ease his discomfort.

The only times he _did_ move, were when his arm sneaked out of the sheet barrier in attempt to find his own phone, thrown somewhere across his bed, being tossed there earlier that night.

This became his routine for the past few nights- lie in bed, stare at the image, get sad, get angry, get tired, lock screen, unlock it, stare again.

Rinse and repeat.

When Byakuya's self-control was strong enough, he was able to just blindly reach across the bed, fumbling in the darkness until his fingertips came in contact with the cool device. knowing that is wasn't going anywhere from him, was enough to calm his nerves and have him tuck his arm back into his small nest. Until, he had the urge to reach for it again.

The Kuchiki heir did so now- long pale fingers glided across cool linen, searching and searching. Coming out with nothing.

Byakuya sat abruptly, the cold hitting his face in an instant, and started to search franticly across the silky sheets of his queen-sized bed.

He let out the breath that seemed stuck in his throat as he finally touched the metallic device, taking it in his hand; thumb hovering above the unlock button, and sat back down leaning against the headboard, without turning it on.

He felt pathetic.

A man his age shouldn't act the way he did. Let alone someone of his stature.

It was a rare sight. One that made the raven glad for his solitude. Being covered by the darkness and silence of the sleeping estate, gave him the ability to pretend that his nights were as calm and serene as he liked to present himself. If no one saw him, it may as well never be true.

He stared at his phone.

The urge to unlock it was so strong, that he felt his stomach churn in anticipation for the moment he will look at what he had been trying so hard to avoid. It will not be a solution; he was aware of that. The sight of the smiling face would only make him feel worse but... he _wanted_ to see it.

With shaking fingers, he brought the phone to his line of sight and opened it, revealing the same picture the young man spends half his nights shamelessly staring at.

The sight of Renji Abarai smiling blissfully filled his screen, hitting him like a truck.

He ran his eyes over every familiar detail in the picture, the crinkles in the corners of the redhead's eyes, the straight teeth with sharp canines exposed in a wide smile, the gleam of sunlight hitting every drop of water running down his handsome face… and also the dark lines adoring the other's brow, spelling Byakuya's name unapologetically.

Byakuya felt his face heat up at the sight of that chiseled jaw and straight nose, even at the clownish red eyebrows -peeking through the tattoo- that were somewhat endearing.

The warm feeling did not cease as the raven's eyes kept roaming the picture, taking in every detail despite already having memorized it all at this point. It was then joined by something _else_ , sickeningly familiar, turning his fine features into a cold and stern mask.

His jaws locked and eyebrows pulled into a frown as the dark pit started to open in the center of his chest. He laced his fingers in his own damp hair, pulling it away from his face, tugging harder and harder the more he looked.

And the more he did, the wider the pit opened.

Byakuya locked the screen, kicking away the image from his sight as if it might help ease the dread settling within him. It was useless. The picture has already burned itself into his mind, appearing behind his closed eyelids as vividly as it showed on the screen.

"Idiot," he cursed himself aloud in the empty room. The darkness enveloping him once more.

He tossed the phone again. This time, shoving it away with his foot to make sure he won't be able to reach for it, knowing fully well that he would do exactly that a few more times tonight. The heir will do so until exhaustion takes over, letting him Finally get some rest.

"What was it you said, my love?" Ginrei Kuchiki asked warmly while putting his fork down.

Byakuya stared at the man with a look of determination only a six-year-old could muster.

"I asked, why I would need a goat," he answered with his mouth full of bite sized chicken nuggets. Small legs dangled under the table, not yet reaching the ground.

From what Byakuya knew, beasts were furry and big with teeth and claws. Not the happy, hopping goat the illustrations in his new book showed. It was kind of disappointing, seeing a mere farm animal turned into a child.

What was so exiting to all the adults in his life about _that_?

The round of giggles coming from around the table, made him turn to his father in confusion.

The man only puffed his cheeks like a hamster, chuckling silently as his son got the hint and swallowed his food while glancing nervously at his mother, who was thankfully more interested in her tea than her child. 

The soft whispers and amused giggles circled around him as all his relatives turned their attention to the youngest Kuchiki member, who broke the usual idle Sunday brunch chat with his sudden peculiarly phrased enquiry.

His grandfather -as calm as always and endlessly penitent- knowing very well what his beloved grandson was referring to, said again, "that is an unusual observation, my dear. What makes you think that?"

"It has hooves and horns," Byakuya answered shyly, knowing everyone around the table were giving him their full attention, _because_ he was asking about the holy beast.

"So you assumed it was a goat," Ginrei stated. The corners of his lips turned slightly upwards under the cover of his thick mustache.

"It was a bear last week," his father chipped in. Adding to the amusement of the grey-haired man. 

"It's giant!" The boy called out in defense.

"You are just tiny, is all." His father gave him a wink.

Before this new book, Byakuya could only imagine how cool the beasty from the fairytale he was so familiar with might look like. It kept him guessing, always being hidden in the shadows, towering over the illustrated Kuchiki's, only appearing as a happy red-haired dancing child in the end.

"Enough tormenting the boy, Soujun." The clan leader interrupted. "In answer to your question, Byakuya, the holy beast is _neither_ a goat _nor_ a bear. It is no animal, and never has been. I assume you got confused because of some things you saw but let me assure you the beast no longer appears this way. It has shed its old form to resemble us humans. So, there will be no need for you to worry about any animal that might visit." 

To his defense, Byakuya had never been to the parts of the castle where the paintings and statues were presented. The left wing of the house was _of limits_ for him. _And_ his father _did_ make mock horns with his fingers when it was the beasty's speaking role, while he was reading to Byakuya before bed.

The young Kuchiki knew he was going to one day meet a special friend with red hair who was going to sing and dance, rewarding him with a big gift for being able to discover where they were hiding. But he had no idea why he had to be proud of himself for doing so.

In all the stories his new friend was hiding in the shadows and running away from him. Even _after_ being found, they needed some convincing to stay.

If the beasty was hiding, didn’t that mean it didn’t want be found?

It confused him endlessly.

"Why do I _need_ the beasty?" He asked again, not satisfied with the answer he got.

With the food halfway to his mouth, his grandfather put down his fork once more. "It will give you happiness and become your special friend."

_He knew that already._

"But I already have friends."

The small raven could feel his cousin's little hand lace into his own under the table.

"That, you do." His grandfather said in finality, returning to his meal. The conversation resuming around him.

The confused boy just sat there frowning at his food. His other cousins tried to involve him with their talk, one even reaching a hand to ruffle his black hair, but Byakuya kept to himself.

With his hand still in the other boy's hold, he picked up another chicken nugget with his free one, only to drop it back to his plate and use a fork instead, at the sight of his mother's eyebrow lifting up in warning.

The same things happened throughout his life over and over again. He asked questions, been ignored, asked again and received vague answers he hated.

Byakuya was a clever child, he always knew when something was wrong. Always knew when he was being made fun of. It didn’t bother him _that_ much because he understood that there was no ill intent in the way his family treated his curiosity. On the contrary, they encouraged it along with his studies, but the small nagging feeling that _something_ was not quite right continued to hunt his thoughts.

His family was hiding something from him.

With every passing year, he grew up learning more and more of the legend surrounding his family's history. More details started to add up and shed light on the whole ordeal. The pieces started to come together, revealing a complex thing no children's book or bedtime story could possibly explain to such extent.

The real books in the family's library did a much better job at schooling him on the topic he was always so curious about.

The beautiful, seemingly innocent story he grew up knowing, turned out to be a dark stain on the great noble house he was part of. The isolation and despair of a man accused of madness by his own people, gave birth to a new cult forming within the walls of his home, leeching on every single member of his family ever since.

The need to worship something bigger than himself and refusing to accept what was deemed right by others made the lord do the impossible- sacrificing a part of himself in favor of opening a door to the world of eternal darkness, and find a powerful master to worship.

Byakuya wondered if the need to reach such heights came from the lord's personal obsession or was there truly an altruistic motive behind it, like some versions of the story claimed. Perhaps it was both.

Either way, this is what they got- a creature crawling from a dark fiery pit, turning out to be a pure peaceful soul, bringing nothing but good fortune to the man who brought it here.

The young Kuchiki heir was mesmerized by the depth of the story unfolding before him. The colorful images of a young boy opening a magic door in the floor and meeting a new wish fulfilling friend, were now replaced by crumbling, hand-written scripts and endless notes retelling the story in great details.

He learned of the instant connection between the man and the entity known as the beast, read about the pact the two made when they chose to entwine their souls together, and took in every detail of the ceremony preformed, leading to the gift his family received from that day on.

The tale of the two became the destiny of the family. No matter how long has passed, the souls of the man and the now humanoid beast, were always meant to come together once more to relive the same fate again and again.

It became the Kuchiki's most sacred possession. The goal every head of the clan had for themselves. And now, with the nearing end of his grandfather's reign and his father's untimely death, it was Byakuya's burden to bear.

With each day that passed, the young Kuchiki started to understand more and more of the unchanging story. His wisdom and age adding to the process greatly, letting him finally be able to keep up with the elders of his family. His mind thrived with the bloom of the discoveries within it, demon conjuring, blood rites and the more… _intimate_ requirements.

 _Those_ made him slam his book shut at the age of fourteen, red faced as a tomato, at the part he never seemed to understand before reaching puberty and exclaim loudly.

"You knew?!" He shouted at the face of his guilty looking cousin. Finally being old enough to understand fully what 'becoming one' truly meant.

 _No wonder they kept the details hidden from him like that_.

The thought of this part occupied his teenage mind mostly at that time, the rest seeming very technical in comparison. He thought it was the hardest part. The most… impactful.

It took him years to understand how wrong he had been to think so.

Despite his new discoveries, Byakuya hadn't felt like he knew enough.

He kept spending more and more time buried in piles of books and old texts. Somehow managing to still keep his school grades high, making his classmates look at him in admiration.

He grew up a sort of loner, not liking the idea of mingling with strangers and choosing to mostly keep to himself when he could. The young man even avoided the rest of his household in order to keep digging into the past undisturbed.

By some strange force he seemed to draw people to himself, having girls fawning after him and the boys inviting him to hang out with them during lunches. No matter how cold he was they kept trying, only rarely managing to drag Byakuya to a full friendly conversation before he shut himself off once more.

The only reason he agreed to hang out and socialize with his classmates, was because his older cousins made him do it.

They were his real friends -the ones who liked him throughout his life- even when he could spend days avoiding them and preferring solitude. And _they_ wanted him to stop alienating himself have more friends his age. Despite their efforts, the friendships he made were mostly shallow. Byakuya didn’t seem to have the qualities to open up easily and be fully engaged, when a huge part of himself remained hidden from the world.

The dark truth of his life's duty loomed over his head, keeping his mind occupied. 

That was the part he took pride in.

After his parent's passing he became next in line to inherit the title of clan leader and all the duties coming with it. Byakuya studied hard, invested time, perfected his Latin in order to be able to learn and read the writing left behind by the holy entity, written as translations under the sharp bold lines drawn in the books. It being the only human language the beast seemed to know, made him work ten times as hard.

He was a perfect example of the Kuchiki pride. _Exactly_ the way he should have been.

The cold and hard demeanor of the young heir helped him keep a few truths of himself hidden, disguising them under a thick layer of honor and fulfillment, in order to keep curious minds away from himself. The tactic seemed to work on most people, but he knew the truth for years now.

As oppose to what everyone expected, by having the same stories drilled to his mind over and over again, Byakuya became more infatuated rather than indifferent.

Sitting in a dark corner hidden in the estate, the raven stared at delicate drawings and images of long-haired people, drawn by every artist in the clan with care and dedication. All of them were mesmerizing in their own right, all having different kinds of beauty that he found himself drawn to.

Byakuya Kuchiki was already eighteen at this point, old enough and experienced enough to learn that kissing both girls and boys was not strange to him at all. Both felt just right in his own eyes; just as good. So, no matter which one of the beast's former selves he saw, they all made him unable of tearing his eyes away, heart fluttering in anticipation for the moment he might find it in his lifetime. _Even though one day he will have to-_

"Are you going to spend your entire night staring at breasts?"

The voice made him jump in his place.

Byakuya hoped his voice didn’t give away his embarrassing surprise, just in case the three boys who appeared out of nowhere didn’t notice it. "I am not staring at breasts."

He totally was.

Among _other_ things.

"I was just joking, Kuya. No need to get angry." His older cousin's hand came to ruffle his hair like always. The smooth inky locks returning to place a second later.

The three of them sat around him, making him gently put away the collection he was looking through, as they made themselves comfortable. Their cheerful voices seemed as loud as ever in the usually quiet corner, reminding him of his father's lighthearted demeanor, despite all of them being from his mother's side of the Kuchiki clan.

They seemed innocent enough, but he knew their true intentions. Those three were hunting for blood in the form of Byakuya's company, using the same tactic of luring him into their hold as they always did. They included him into every new thread of conversation they had with each other, so that he had no excuse to walk away in pretense of not being able to follow. All the while, spending nearly an hour in trying to convince him to go hang out with them and leave his books alone for the night.

He had to give it to them, despite his indifference and lack of cooperation, they kept trying. Forever patient with him, understanding that he took his time studying and perfecting as seriously as possible.

If only they knew that he was actually sitting there daydreaming of long crimson locks sliding between his fingers.

They most likely did, if their light teasing of catching him red-handed was any indication, but they never pressed him about it.

He gave the collection of drawings a long look one last time, wanting nothing more than to sit and dream about his own beast for a little longer. But he turned away from it and nodded, agreeing to go.

Life went by that way-

graduating High school,

finishing University,

working in the family's company,

duties,

studies.

The years made him colder and more mature than ever before. He became almost stony on the outside. Nothing seemed to be able to scratch his surface anymore.

His daydreaming stopped, replaced by his everyday course of life and the people coming in and out of it. The fantasy he built in his head was replaced by more realistic expectations, and the dawning fact that his own beast might never be found by him.

He searched it for years, trying to find clues as to where it might be, the task being unbelievably hard. Somehow his young self was so sure that with all the money and resources his family had, he would be able to find his promised soulmate by now. There was no such luck. The heir was searching for a ghost in a world full of so many others. Even with the promise that their paths were meant to cross, he found it hard to stay optimistic most of the time.

It was a useless chase. 

His grandfather never found the beast in his own lifetime. Byakuya's father, as it turned out, never searched for it in the first place. Knowing that he will die young due to his health condition, the man preferred to marry a distant relative from their clan, sharing the same illness as him.

It was marriage of love, resulting in the life of their one and only son- a healthy boy. They named him after the famous lord Kuchiki who summoned the beast into their world. It was for good luck. That is what he has always been told. 

It was rumored between some of the family members, whispered behind the back of the new heir as he reached adulthood, that the young boy took after the man in more ways than simply his name.

They were both loners, antisocial for the most part, stuck to their own musings most days. There might have been truth to that idea- both Byakuyas had their heads and hearts dedicated to the same sacred being, the two wanting nothing more than to make the fairytale come to life.

That is why he felt so awful when his fairytale showed its true self to him, mirroring his own pettiness without mercy.

"Nii-sama!"

The familiar voice caught him off guard.

It was a few hours past noon when Byakuya decided to stop for coffee on his way back to work. He was just about to leave the place as it started to get too crowded for his liking, when the familiar nickname stopped him dead in his tracks.

The Kuchiki already knew he had to look down in order to see the tiny black haired girl looking at him with huge sparkling eyes. Rukia hadn't changed through all those years since they last met, even referring to him the same way she used to when he and her sister were still seeing each other.

"Rukia," he said her name in a way of greeting.

"Oh nii-sama, it's so nice to see you! How have you been?" She asked eagerly with the same sweet tone she always used with him.

She was a lovely girl, still feeling comfortable with him despite not being in touch for so long. She seemed as lively and exited as ever. It was good. He liked that about her.

"Quite well. I was just about to leave." He felt it was too dry and cold to use with someone like Rukia, so he added, "are you well?"

She didn’t seem to mind it at all. "Yes very! Hisana nee-san is doing well too."

He felt slightly guilty for not asking of his ex-girlfriend's wellbeing straight away, but that didn’t seem to bother Rukia. She knew him too well to take it to heart, knowing that he wasn't usually a man of many words. 

She decided to provide him with more information -after he didn’t turn away from her, despite saying he was leaving- not being able to hide her excitement. "I was just about to meet my friend Renji here. Do you remember Renji?"

"Your friend from Inuzuri." He stated, remembering the name being mentioned here and there by both sisters, despite never having met the boy himself.

"Yes that's him- "

She was cut off by a terrible noise coming from the phone in her hand. The thing was surrounded by an obnoxiously large silicone case shaped like a bunny.

She didn’t disconnect the call, only looked at Byakuya apologetically and silenced the ring. "Speak of the devil…"

"It was good seeing you, Rukia. Take care." He put an awkward hand on her shoulder, earning another sparkly eyed grin from her before she said her goodbye's, answering the phone as he made his way out onto the street.

Byakuya was only a few paces away from the shop entrance before a crash and a sea of curses made him turn around and freeze in place.

Just before the street corner, a cyclist apparently hit some pedestrian, sending the two tumbling down to the ground. All eyes in the street were turned to the pair, the shouting gathering attention from all around them.

The cyclist was sitting on the ground, yelling at the guy who was currently trying to peel the bicycle from his person, blaming him for ruining it. The latter, who seemed uninjured for the most part despite being flat on the ground, was yelling just as hard in return. Perhaps even harder.

Byakuya was stuck in place. It was not the shouting that kept him from moving a muscle, staring at the bickering pair with wide eyes. The thing that got his attention was the squashed pedestrian, or more accurately, it was his hair.

The long crimson hair, so dark and vibrant it was impossible to ignore, was half loose, licking the asphalt and gathering dirt. It flowed like blood every time the man moved.

He couldn't see his face from this angle.

 _He needed to see his face_ right now _, he needed-_

Through the ruckus, the small dark-haired girl shot out of the shop, sprinting towards the two. "Renji, are you alright?! Why did you slam into a cyclist for You, baboon!"

The crimson haired one lifted his head to Rukia. "WHY WOULD I EVER-"

This is when Byakuya turned around and practically bolted from the scene, trying to just aimlessly get away from everything. His heart raced like it never did before, tuning out the noise with the sound of blood pumping in his ears.

_It cannot possibly be._

Standing silently in his room, the dark haired Kuchiki's numb hands were hovering over the keyboard. His eyes were running over the bright computer screen, wide and unfocused. He had full intent to come home and just check if his suspicions were correct, but as he got to his room and stood in front of the device he froze. 

Ever since his got off work his entire body was on auto pilot, programmed to get into his car and make his way home as fast as possible, only vaguely being aware where he was. It was probably some kind of miracle that he didn't hit anything or _anyone_ , on his drive out of the city and onto his property.

The raven was jumpy the entire afternoon, being even less patient than usual and chugging coffee like a madman only to have something to keep his mind distracted between reports. He wished he could just go home and be alone so that he might at least put an end to his racing mind.

As soon as the clock struck five, the numbness settled, and he stopped caring about anything besides leaving. Byakuya didn’t even need to try and school his features into their usual stoniness. To an outsider, nothing seemed amiss about the Kuchiki heir as he came into the house as serene as ever -nodding his silent greetings to the welcoming staff as usual- and made his way calmly across the residential side of the estate, straight to his room.

They couldn't hear the violent thrumming of his heart, couldn’t feel his numb limbs and the sinking in his stomach as he quietly shut the door behind him, leaning heavily against it and just staring at nothing in his dark room.

Stiff legs carried him towards his laptop where he stopped. He opened it, and then he froze. Standing and staring wide eyed, he wasn't sure what to do next.

A buzz of an incoming massage took him out of his trance and he managed to open his browser, entering a site of social media he knew Rukia was using back when he and Hisana were together.

It was easy finding her. The profile was still active and set to 'public', so that even outsiders like him could have excess to it. Byakuya immediately went to the friends list, typing the name he heard today with shaky fingers.

A single 'Renji Abarai' popped up on screen.

The account was 'free for all' as well, allowing Byakuya to browse through it freely, recognizing the face he saw today for a split second before turning away. The main photo he was currently looking at made him do a double take just in case he _was_ wrong, but it was indeed the same person.

from the first impression Byakuya was getting, this man was… -for lack of better word- _ridiculous._

How a person could post an image of themselves sitting in the trunk of a car, surrounded by beer cases while wearing a giant duck costume was beyond him.

The raven thought of the loud curses and angry shouts that came from this man after he was sprawled on the ground in the middle of the street. It was so embarrassing to witness someone acting like that in public. And combining it with that awful photo, was just making things worse.

This man was an actual idiot. 

It was unbelievable that someone like _him_ was getting so worked up over someone like _that_.

_Please let it be a mistake._

The long crimson hair that caught Byakuya's eye earlier that day was not visible in the photo, probably tucked away in the costume. It was the only reason the Kuchiki heir would ever give someone like that a second thought.

Byakuya kept staring at the stupid picture for a long moment, feeling himself getting more and more on edge. He gathered enough courage to look for more photos of the guy and see if he could get a better look at his face. Thankfully, the rest were not as 'out there' as the one the redhead chose to present himself with. They were even quite normal. If, one was willing to ignore the strange choice of poses and bandanas that were always present in them.

Despite being a lot to take in, Byakuya could admit that the redhead wasn't bad looking at all. In fact, he was actually very handsome when he wasn’t making faces or hiding under giant sunglasses or duck costumes.

He saw the hair, as long and as vibrant as it was today, and it made him less and less infuriated and more curious. Even though it was impossible to tell if the other's hair roots were in fact the deep dark crimson as well, the red eyebrows hiding under the dark lines tattooed over them gave out the truth. It was his natural color.

Byakuya's heartbeat was starting to slightly pick up speed as he kept going through the photos, taking in everything he saw- the long silky hair, framing the sharp featured face, the straight nose, the surprisingly soft curved lips, the sun kissed skin and the warm brown eyes that made his face light up. Even the strange tattooed eyebrows, that were so bizarre, somehow fitted this Renji.

Byakuya got closer to the screen, taking in more of every picture that came up, finding himself able to look past some of the unusual choice of bandanas and hats the other liked, and not quitting in frustration.

There were so many of them, showing the beautiful blissful face of Renji. He stood out even when there were more people around him.

Despite still wishing it was nothing but a mere coincidence, the raven felt a buzz in the back of his head, becoming more and more captivated with how much he saw.

Until, he came across that cursed image.

It was just like any other in the sense of content- the same person, the same hair, the same smile, probably taken around a body of water judging by the wet hair and skin. But here, the usually covered forehead was bare of any barrier.

The bold lines stretching from the eyebrows to cover the entire brow were proudly showcased.

The words hit him without mercy, bold and black and screaming in his ears.

Byakuya slammed the laptop shut, throwing it across the room to smash against the floor.

He sank down, holding his head in his hands, eyes wide and staring at nothing in the newly formed darkness. The blood thrummed in his ears, the earlier buzz increasing tenfold.

With how much Byakuya thought he was prepared to finally meet the beast, nothing could actually help him with this moment. No matter how much he spent his life in the shadow of the beast's legend, some small part of him never believed it was real. Despite the evidence, despite the words of his own family, the testimonies of the people who actually came in contact with those holy entities, he still didn’t think he would actually be the one to find it.

The shock that ran through him at the sight of Renji the first time was watered down during the day, when he tried so hard to convince himself that he made a mistake.

Even now, looking at his face up close, feeling his nerves rising at the sight of the man who fit perfectly into the descriptions he was looking for, was nothing compared to the moment he was not able to deny it any longer.

The bold letters, in the beast's own other worldly language, spelling _his_ name across someone else's face.

His late father's voice echoed in his mind,

_'Do you know why we named you 'Byakuya'?'_

_'Because it was the famous lord Kuchiki's name too.'_

_'That is right. We wanted you to have it, we_ insisted _, because we believed the name carries power to change lives. This is what I always believed, the name 'Byakuya Kuchiki' will give you a blessing of your own. Good fortune will come your way. That is what I have always hoped for.'_

After spending god knows how long on the floor, Byakuya rose. He walked towards his smashed laptop, shame and guilt sitting heavy in his chest at the sight of the thing. His reaction was out of place, causing so much damage in his sudden outburst. The raven put it down on his desk, and made his way to the washing room on numb legs.

The cold water felt like needles on his skin.

As he lifted his eyes up to look at his own reflection, he was met with dread from seeing the delicate water drops running down his grim face, remembering the picture of the redhead. The same water drops, flashing on a blissful ignorant face.

Byakuya leaned his face on the mirror, closing his eyes but still seeing those bold lines displayed so proudly.

This is it.

That is the beast he was looking for.

His entire life's purpose was to be able to fulfil his duty as head of the clan and bring the blessing to his own family once more. He was born to do so, studying, training and wishing for it with every fiber of his being. Chasing a fleeting target. Dreaming of the soul that was meant to entwine with his.

_His soulmate._

For so long Byakuya felt like his infatuation was far from sense of duty to his clan. It was his own foolishness, falling in love with the idea of a magical beautiful being holding his heart in its hands for centuries of shared happy life.

Despite starting to lose faith in it ever happening, he kept hoping for it to come true even when he chose to focus on his life rather than his fantasy.

In his dreams he thought of the way the human form of the beast would look like. How kind and elegant it would be, how compatible to him.

And there was Renji, a loud, brainless orphan. A nobody from Inuzuri.

His expectation was shattered.

His pride was shattered.

Abarai was no soulmate of his, only useless trash.

Byakuya opened his eyes in horror. How could he think those things? That was a _person_ , just like him. The raven never held those things against anyone before. Why is it that _now_ they felt like faults?

_Because in a way, they were._

His heart was shattered.

Why did it have to be in his lifetime? Why did Renji have to be his problem and not anybody else's? He thought of the photos he saw, the captions on them, the dumb faces, his cloths, his loud voice, his clumsiness…

Renji was nothing more than an embarrassment.

 _It doesn't matter_. A small voice said in the back of his mind _. It doesn’t matter who he is, only what he is. And what he is matters more._

The Kuchiki heir made his way to the door.

He would just tell his grandfather about the redhead and that's it. The ceremony will take place, he and this person would earn their own blessings and that would be the end of it all. let Renji deal with this on his own. He won't have to be Byakuya's problem after that.

The raven put his hand on the handle, ready to open the door, the beautiful face of the redhead still flashing in his mind, when he heard voices from his past.

_'He is a good kid. She wouldn’t stop clinging to him when he came here, I'm glad she has him.'_

_'He's my best friend, nee-sama.'_

Byakuya let go of the handle. His own cruelty brought shame to his heart.

He didn’t want this to be him, didn’t want this Abarai Renji to be the thing his life would center around.

The raven's grandfather never found the beast in his lifetime despite searching for many years without relent. His father never even tried, choosing to marry Byakuya's mother and live his short life in peace. Why couldn't Byakuya do the same? His child could someday meet Renji anyway, the latter might even be reborn again by the time the new head of the clan came to existence.

His life was perfect by every aspect. No need to change anything, no need to ever let anyone know that Abarai ever existed at all.

The dark haired noble sat on his bed, deciding to just try and forget about what he had learned. He could do it. Nothing should have to change. He and Renji never met and never will.

He managed to put himself together well enough to go and have his dinner as usual. Nothing seeming amiss. He usually kept to his own thoughts, so no one questioned his behavior in the slightest.

Byakuya took a shower, went to bed, closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. But his mind wasn't able to drift; his body couldn't relax. Understanding that there was no way he might be able to ignore the constant itch in the back of his mind; the raven did the thing he tried to avoid at all costs. He grabbed his phone opening the social site, pulling up the familiar profile to look at the image of the redhead again.

Hours later, he was still stuck in that cycle. He kept looking at Renji, stopping and doing it again, not able to stop.

This became his nightly routine. Day after day he did the same thing, driven to a dark place of uncertainty.

__

For a man like Byakuya gathering information on someone was not a hard thing to do. After days of sulking he made up his mind about what to do with the redhead.

The raven would see for himself if he was even someone worth wasting time on.

With how much he wanted to forget about ever learning the truth, the Kuchiki heir could not deny his internal turmoil regarding the other. He was mesmerized with how strongly he felt towards someone from simply having a vague knowledge about them, and it bothered him.

Greatly.

He turned to a privet investigator to learn what he could about Abarai Renji- his address, career, schooling, past convictions, early life, anything that could give him a sense of who he was. They had a face and a name. The biggest step towards finding the beast anyone in his family had for generations.

Fucking hell, he might have had them for years before, if he only met Rukia's friend at least once.

Did she ever show him a picture? Did she ever ask Byakuya to meet with him? She spoke of the redhead so much back then; they must have at least somehow come close to each other… 

Byakuya couldn't remember, never taking too much interest in people who weren’t close to him anyway. Now it was different. Now he at last saw what was so close to him all along.

there was a thin file resting on the passenger seat of his car. Most of it had been read through a few times with disbelief.

Renji's early life was not… good.

His father's identity was unknown, having been raised for two years by a teenaged mother while she was supposed to still be in middle school. The girl gave her child to the social services and gotten to the foster care system herself, only to run away and die on the streets just six months later.

The infant Renji was in foster care until the age of six, when he was given to the same group home Rukia was taken to by her own foster family until Hisana was old enough to claim her. He wasn't the brightest student, staying on the average scale all throughout his schooling years, with the exception of the last. A few temper tantrums and fighting incidents showed up in the school records but they were not something _too_ scandalous.

Young Abarai was caught shop lifting a couple of times, suspended for breaking a window and disappearing from the face of the earth at the age of fifteen for the duration of three months. He became homeless after running away for that period of time, and then he came back, turning his behavior for the better. He worked a few low paying jobs until graduation and turning eighteen. After that, he left the town he spent his entire life in, to come to the central city.

Byakuya scanned through the list of jobs the redhead juggled between for all those years, apartment contracts, and the driver's license the redhead got not too long ago.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was simple yet interesting seeing how his life turned out after coming here, how calm it became for him as an adult with a fresh start. There was even a decent SAT's score showing up at some point.

As of now, Renji was employed as a data organizer for a pretty known firm, seeming to be doing pretty well for himself.

It somehow gave Byakuya some peace, knowing that Renji's seemingly simple life was a turn for the better than what it was at the start.

The younger man even managed to move into his own apartment a few months ago. The new place being located in a pretty sketchy part of town that Byakuya was sure he would never step foot in.

As life has it, the raven was currently parked in front of the dump that was Renji's new apartment building, looking at the redhead making his way towards it while holding grocery bags, from the window of his rental car.

It has been a little over a year since he started 'keeping an eye' on Renji. Trying to avoid parking in front of the redhead's home for most of his free time, the raven minimized it to just a couple of times a week. Less if he was able to help it.

The mere sight of Renji started to become quite pleasant with time. The salty Byakuya found it hard to keep finding excuses to hate Renji's very own being without much ground to back it up. He somehow became infatuated with the other and his strange ways.

The simple idiot he thought Renji to be at first, was no longer in the back of his mind, constantly making him regret learning the truth. The awful first impression was now buried by this new Renji, who the raven got to have a glimpse of for the past months.

It started simple, just reading and rereading the files he had on the redhead and checking the social profile of the other to see what else he could find out about his personality.

He wasn't the sharpest person at first glance, mostly posting funny videos and pictures Byakuya couldn’t make sense off for the life of him. Occasionally there would be a post about nothing in particular, written in all caps and loaded with so many emoji that it made the raven's mood grim.

On rare times, there would be a saving grace in the form of a shared article or public comment, showing a different side of the redhead that Byakuya actually came to appreciate. He was surprised by the demonstration of knowledge and how well Abarai could articulate himself when it was needed.

The photos were still a hard thing for him to go through, not being able to dive too deep into the albums after the ones featuring the handsome, vibrant carefree person morphed into the images of his younger self. Renji's hair was shorter, the limbs lanky and free of the long muscles he now sported, and the eyes were empty of… anything.

Knowing what Byakuya did now made it unbearable looking at this version of Renji without feeling like an intruder. So he stopped.

Finding courage to go and see the redhead in person took him longer than he cared to admit. He wasn’t sure how he'd do it, having to keep his distance and still try to wrap his head around this guy.

The first time he saw the redhead outside of his workplace, the raven's nerves were struck at the bright figure coming his way. Renji was tall, a lot taller than what Kuchiki had initially thought, towering over most people in the street. He wore the strangest attire, seeming regular enough at first glance only to reveal a neon green belt looped into his pants and leopard printed hiking boots that no one Byakuya knew would ever be caught dead in.

His bright red hair caught all the attention in the crowd.

Despite his new stalking tendencies, the raven kept himself from being too involved. It was just too uncomfortable, having to keep close to a stranger like that, even when he was simply parking outside the other's house or work place to see him for a few minutes a day.

As time went on, Byakuya's curiosity kept him from sitting still and just looking from afar. He started to take the same train that Renji got on, to and from work, having to push through his disgust of having strangers standing too close for comfort, and even _touching_ him, in the closed space.

Byakuya even had to turn around and lose the angle he had on Renji, who was seemingly napping during the ride, after catching a few high school girls trying to take pictures of him with their phones.

He cursed the redhead for making him go through such lengths and humiliate himself, but that died not long after he realized that it was his own fault for thinking out of his ass and going after the man who kept occupying his mind.

While those dreadful and smelly train rides were indeed the worst thing he could have done to himself, Byakuya's annoyance didn’t grow. In fact, it actually lessened somehow when he shared his space with the other, finally able to get a close enough to Renji to try and see what he was like in person.

The Kuchiki heir spent his time watching the redhead make his way through the crowds, standing up to let other people take his place and close his eyes during the ride, drifting away serenely and shutting out the world, only seeming to lift his head up when he was at his destination.

Once or twice, the thought of getting out and going after him crossed Byakuya's mind, but he kept himself rooted in place. Staring after Renji, that beautiful red hair being the only thing the raven's eyes could follow, Byakuya was able to relax. He wasn't fearing of being obvious anymore, as he watched his figure disappear- as they were getting farther and farther apart. 

It gave Byakuya courage to try and get closer. He started appearing in places he knew Renji might be around, having to still keep his distance as the other was almost constantly surrounded by people, mostly an orange haired colleague and _Rukia_.

The closest he got to him was when they both were in the park near the redhead's new home. Renji went out for runs there a few nights a week, mostly around the same time.

It was winter. Not many people were around, if any at all.

Byakuya was jogging near the water line, feet quick and steady on the rocky ground, heart thrumming like crazy in his chest. It wasn't the fact that he was out of shape, it was because he knew that any minute now he would see the redhead coming from the opposite direction. The excitement grew in him so much that he nearly stumbled when he caught sight of Renji.

Time seemed to slow for Byakuya as the two of them were about to cross paths with each other, heart threatening to burst out at any second. The redhead kept looking at the ground, not noticing the figure in front of him getting closer and closer.

Just as they crossed each other, close enough to touch, Renji lifted his head up and Byakuya lowered his, hiding under a dark hood to avoid being seen. The raven held his breath. The sound of their feet crunching the rucks and Renji's labored breathing, being the only things he heard between beats.

After a mere few steps he stopped, looking at the water. Byakuya missed the sound of the redhead's pace slowing and picking up again, as he stood there wishing he could just turn around and catch up to the other.

Days turned to weeks and to months, nearing a full year of Byakuya getting closer and closer to the other. He started seeing Renji's life in a way he never thought he would. He saw him interacting with strangers, shouting and laughing with his friends at random after working hours.

Always keeping that bright smile on his face along with his light demeanor.

He even got to see a glimpse of the redhead's dating life, noting to himself how the people the redhead dated were always men. A strange feeling of relief settled in Byakuya's stomach at the discovery. He saw the few short-timed yet steady boyfriends Renji had, and one date that went horrible, resulting in Renji being slapped and insulted in the middle of the street. The sight of the silent redhead with his palm pressed to his bruised cheek, making his way home humiliated, made Byakuya clench his fists in his coat.

He hated what he saw. Hated seeing Renji being treated this way.

Hated anyone who dared to make that smile disappear.

_Just like he might do one day._

Byakuya had to keep himself grounded- had to remind himself that Renji wasn't his. Not yet at least. He had to keep the unpleasant feeling that rose to the surface when he saw different man coming in and out of Renji's apartment in the late hours of night and early hours of the morning, never to be seen again.

Even worse were the ones the younger man walked downstairs, kissing in the darkness while smiling so softly it physically hurt to watch.

Renji was silly and kind and as bright as the sun.

And he seemed to be doing well, burying his inner demons so deep that even the man who was watching him for so long, took time to notice anything was amiss.

Even the stupid things Renji did were endearing in such a way Byakuya didn't think was possible at all.

Never did he think that after spending so much time being a weirdo and stalking someone he used to think was not worthy of even being in his presence, he would find himself smiling at the sight of Renji -grocery bag in each hand- running up the stairs after being chased by the rat he tried to feed snacks to in the ally under his apartment building.

Those little things that were so alien to Byakuya, made Kuchiki's laugh and smile as genuine as they could get. 

Despite his increased liking towards the redhead, Byakuya did not wish to invade his life. He seemed so happy, growing, interacting and living his life to the fullest. The raven did not want to ruin it for him. He didn't want to bring an abrupt end to Renji's peaceful existence. Just like the fulfillment of the ceremony would surely do.

The more Byakuya got to spend around Renji the lesser and lesser his disdain became.

The raven no longer felt the dark emotions he had a few years ago, but with how much he learned to see the redhead for who he truly was, there was no denying that he was still the beast.

If Byakuya chose to take a step towards his destiny, it would all end, and he would have to do things that made his heart sink, dragging him under a sea of dread, despite never having thought of himself as someone who might cower from them.

So he just let him be, visiting only once or twice a week, keeping his distance. Even when they were walking in the street next to each other, close enough to touch.

Two souls basked in the fiery light of the setting sun. One wishing and yearning, not able to fool himself about the true nature of his feelings. And the other oblivious, making his way in the world unknowing of the fate that looms over his shoulder.

Every sound was dawned by the sound of Renji's loud laugh, every dark corner suddenly seemed bright, and the weight in Byakuya's heart became heavier and heavier with each passing day he chose to keep this as his secrete.

Until, he at last noticed a change in Renji.

It was something he chose to ignore at first, seeing it only in the smallest glimpses, passing and gone immediately, like it was never there to begin with.

It was the numbness he saw on the other's face when he strayed from his group of friends, letting his brown eyes scan the crowed.

It was the inward curving of his broad shoulders when noticing someone stare at him for too long before continuing on their way.

It was his way of spending his nights with more random men than ever before, reaching and touching despite not wishing to get any closer.

Renji started taking walks on his own, walking slower somehow than Byakuya had ever seen him. He was behaving in an almost childish way when trying to occupy his mind, even on the train rides. The redhead used to spend those all serene, but now they were being succumbed to the constant racing of his mind, as if in a moment's notice it might stop and the quiet that will befall it might hurt him somehow.

He was putting on a show, trying to fool himself that he was somehow winning against whatever it was.

He was faking it.

Every movement seemed forced, every smile weighted with long moments of a blank expression the _second_ he had nothing to amuse himself with. Renji started daydreaming more and more- bumping into people on the street by accident, being startled by honking cars and having his friends call out to him more than once to get his attention.

Abarai started to stare at the water during his runs through the park, stopping at the same spot over and over again, to stand and rest for a few seconds, even when he had no real need for it.

Byakuya didn't think that the redhead was consciously aware of that fact, but the raven's heart tightened every time he saw him do so.

It was the same spot where they crossed each other's paths over two years ago. The same place Byakuya stopped at.

The same place Renji stood the night they took him to the estate.

Byakuya wasn't there to see him stop that time.

He wasn't there to see the faint smile on the redhead's face. Completely unaware that the last thought on Renji's mind was of a mysterious lover, sharing this nightly walk with him and the comfort of the stranger's hand in his. Byakuya did not know that the young man's vivid imagination showed him the beautiful laugh that sounded like music in his ears, the warmth of the chest he imagined himself leaning against in that moment.

_'I love you'_

Is what Renji never got to say. The words being cut off as they took him, ending everything he thought he knew.

Those same arms that held the redhead so tight in this secret moment of his, were now wrapped around him, realer than anything he ever knew. The warm chest was pressed tightly to his, hearts beating together like they were meant to from the start.

The warm lips that caressed his ear in the cold dark night were now pressed against his, kissing him with all the need that Byakuya could never act upon, branding his heart's wishes into his soulmate's being.

_'I love you, Renji.'_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just dropped here to say that this chapter is NSFW as well, things are heating up once more.  
> enjoy:)

In the warm glow of the candlelight, both Byakuya and Renji were lost in one another. The redhead's arms loosened their tight grip around the raven's neck as he was gently lowered to the alter. When his back came in contact with the smooth, hard surface, his hands went to rest on the sides of Byakuya's face. The skin was soft and warm, the dark inky hair gliding over his fingers tickled his cheeks.

The raven hovered above him, leaning on his forearm. The arm he had around the redhead's waist snuck out, coming to rest atop Renji's. Byakuya's gentle palm radiated so much heat that he could feel it through the bandage covering his bruised hand, seeping right into the fresh cut. He groaned faintly, enjoying the heat as they set a new pace.

Their kiss became softer and slower, no longer on the verge of bruising with the intensity of the pair's frantic need to taste each other.

Teeth were no longer in the way, noses caressed each other instead of bumping and tongues lazily danced around one another, not being in any rush or fight for dominance, rather enjoying the taste and warmth they were basked in.

Renji's eyes were closed in complete serenity. He didn't know how long has passed from the moment he lunged at Byakuya with his split-second decision of daring to kiss the other. He was only able to focus on how good it felt to do so. The raven's hold around him was so tight and so real, it almost made him want to cry with relief.

Renji always knew how to tell when someone's words held no true intent behind them. The way someone's body moved and reacted was always what failed that pretense, telling a truth people wished was kept hidden. He himself was no exception to that, just like everyone else, he said things his heart was never fully put into.

His lies could be polished to near perfection- the smile he had on his face, the way his fingertips pressed to heated skin, even the soft hold he had around others. But there were always ways to tell he was faking it. 

The lack of true meaning behind his smile could easily be detected with the tiniest frown of his brow, the gentle fingers always held the smallest stiffness to them, as if he knew something held him back from fully engaging. Even the tiniest distance between bodies -or the same old hugs and cuddles- felt so orchestrated to him that it was very easy to pull away from the moment if he wished to. They were his own faults; he knew them best.

Now however, he didn’t have any of them. His fingers caressed Byakuya's skin with a mind of their own, his features relaxed and eyes closed as he was enveloped with the warmth and safety of their kiss. The raven's hold made him feel secure, it made him feel safe. There was no hesitation in the other's movements, no stiffness, no lie. No reason for Renji to not trust him with all his heart. It was overwhelming for the younger man, much so that he let himself relax fully in Byakuya's hold.

The intensity of the kiss -mirrored by both at the start- slowly faded, only to become this sweet moment between them. It was so _good_. Byakuya was a perfect kisser. He had Renji completely melt into him, not being able to tell how long they were attached to one another like that.

Even the need to breath was basically forgotten as the soft moans and small noises escaping them were more than enough to satisfy the need to take in air.

Both of their hearts were violently thrumming in their chests, adding to the soft crackle of the candle flame enveloping them.

The raven was the first one to break the kiss, drawing out a sound of protest from Renji. Despite putting an end to their blissful moment, he made no move to get away. The tips of their noses still touching, heavy breaths still mingling with one another. He rubbed their noses together once, as he laced his fingers with Renji's and peeled the hand away from his face, pulling back enough in order to properly look at the redhead.

Abarai opened his eyes taking in the beautiful face surrounded by soft, inky-black strands. The raven was looking at him under thick lowered lashes. His eyes -dark and full of lust- roamed the redhead's face, taking in the sight before him. His beautiful lips were swollen, begging to be kissed again. Renji bit his lip to stop himself from doing so. Again, drawing out a warm chuckle from Byakuya.

"I was thinking the exact same thing," he said with rasp to his voice, sending a heated wave down the redhead's spine.

"Then why not?" Renji's breathed out.

Byakuya stayed quiet, bringing the redhead's hand to his lips, gently pressing them to his knuckles.

"That's just lazy." The redhead pouted, dragging another, this time _darker_ , chuckle from Byakuya.

Maybe he should have head-butted him in the face after all.

"Trust me, Renji, I wish I could spend the rest of my days doing so. It is even better than I imagined," he said, pressing his lips to the redhead's knuckles again. " _Much_ better."

The suggestion of Byakuya having thought of kissing Renji like that before, made his cheeks turn hot. Despite being old enough to not get so worked up over a thing as simple as a kiss, the redhead couldn’t help himself from reacting this way. The raven seemed so reserved at first, making his actions come as such a surprise that Renji still didn't believe it actually happened the way it did.

Every touch, every gentle contact of skin, every flick of tongue over his body- suggested of true experience.

Even if the goal was getting Renji off, the raven didn’t make it fast and robotic to simply finish. No, he took his time, going overboard to savor the moment. To make it truly feel too good to handle for Renji. And if one was judging by the smiles and heavy breaths coming from the raven himself, he made sure they _both_ enjoyed it.

The teasing,

The cussing,

The _biting._

Byakuya definitely had a dirty side to him, that he was too good at hiding. And to think that someone who was so good with doing _that_ , would spend his time thinking of something as innocent as a kiss made Renji's heart flutter again. This time, sending heat all over his body. 

It must have been apparent on his face because the dark haired Kuchiki turned serious again, nuzzling his cheek against the palm still resting on his face. "There were times in which the mere thought of it seemed far too out of reach." 

Renji didn't really know what to say to that. He wasn't used to be spoken to this way- as if he was something to be wanted and cherished and not simply liked or lusted after. He knew most of it was due to him being the beast Byakuya was searching for, his existence being a marvel on its own in the eyes of the other. Renji himself was simply a shell surrounding the magic.

Even if he was one and the same with the beast, even if his soul inhibited the body of many others before him, carrying the everlasting need to meet the person who gave him a new start for eternity, he still couldn't help but feel like an outsider.

The entire history the raven told him about gave him a headache. The images drawn on the walls of the room he was in, felt like strangers even though he knew they used to be him.

The way Byakuya marveled about the story and him, made Renji torn.

He wanted nothing to do with the fairytale and the crazy talk but at the same time he wanted nothing else but to remember his past lives, having memories that could make him feel like he was supposed to be here. Like he _really deserved_ to be here.

As ridiculous as it might sound coming from someone who had been stalked and taken against his will only to be thrusted into a situation he didn't wish to take part of, the redhead couldn't help but feel a need to feel secure in this place. He wanted to be the cause of Byakuya's worship, wanted to be worth the chase, wanted to be able to understand what it was like to dedicated your entire life to a single truth.

With the raven in his arms Renji felt small. It was not in the sense of weakness, it was the simple fact that he felt like he was meant to stay, like Byakuya could protect him from everything that will come their way.

He wished he could feel the same love the raven was telling him about and have Byakuya feel the same way for him as well. Not by looking at him from afar, not by burying his nose in books and drawings, but by getting to know each other, by having to share a life with one another. One they both chose by themselves.

"You have a terrible fashion sense at times," the raven suddenly said, putting an end to Renji's internal musings. Renji blinked, a confused frown appearing on his face. "-and you are so loud that it isn't very hard keeping track of you in a crowd full of people, _even_ if one is blind and cannot see your hair-"

"Wait, what are you-"

" _-And_ for someone your age, it should be obvious that street rats are full of malice-"

"Byakuya, what the hell are you talking about?" Renji raised his voice, confused by the other's sudden talkative nature.

The sudden use of the raven's first name made him stop in his tracks, throat bobbing ever so slightly, and stare intently at Renji's eyes. He didn't say anything, only lifted his eyebrows with the barest movement, challenging Renji to keep up.

The dark haired Kuchiki did have the annoying tendency of reading him to near perfection sometimes, knowing full well that Renji was too thick headed to get the simple fact that Byakuya wasn't referring to the _beast_ when he spoke of his feelings, but the redhead he was 'keeping an eye on' for a few years now.

"Oh." Was the only response Renji was capable of.

"Oh indeed." Again, with that dark chuckle. This time though, Byakuya closed the distance between them and caught Renji's lips in a soft kiss.

They were caught up in each other once more.

Byakuya brought Renji's hand to his own face again, letting it get tangled in his hair as his own went to cup the redhead's jaw, the thumb caressing the sharp line of his cheek in slow, lazy movements.

Renji couldn't help himself from letting his own hands travel over Byakuya, fingers gently pulling on the unbelievably soft and smooth locks. The hand that previously rested on a beautiful face now traveled downwards, enjoying the feeling of the warm neck and collar bones, sneaking to the strong shoulder hiding under the silky fabric of the robes Byakuya wore.

Kuchiki broke the kiss once more, going rigid in such a way that Renji froze mid movement as well.

Perhaps he shouldn't have touched Byakuya in such a way… He just assumed that based on the raven's actions it was what he wanted, that he was okay with such contact.

Maybe he wasn't... maybe Renji did step out of line. Maybe he didn’t want the redhead to feel too familiar with him… He just thought…

Did he fuck something up?

"I'm sorry I didn’t mean to."

"Do not be." Came the cool velvety voice of the raven.

Renji looked at him, not seeing discomfort but the complete opposite. The raven's face was flushed in a beautiful shade of pink, his lips slightly parted as he was still panting from their kissing. His eyes didn’t give away any fear of discontent, only a look that the redhead could interpret as… guilt.

But for what?

It hit him then, the realization he had when Byakuya looked at him with so much concern while he was numb and unsure of what to do next.

The ceremony wasn't over, there were more steps to complete before they could put it behind them.

The words 'becoming one' branded themselves into his brain. It wasn't merely his sperm Byakuya needed to finish- it was _him_. In the most intimate way possible.

The raven probably didn't want to go there, didn’t even want to address the matter in front of the redhead right now, but Renji's wandering hands stirred something Byakuya was too ashamed of admitting.

It was one thing ignoring the way Renji's body reacted when he was yearning to be touched at first -easy enough to label the way his legs spread as a mere reaction to the possibility of his needs being fulfilled- but it was an entirely different thing having Renji roaming over Byakuya's body willingly, wanting to continue with what they had started.

The disappointment of giving in to the lust and heat of the moment might have been Byakuya's worry too. Just like Renji himself was supposedly feeling, the raven must have feared it as well. The redhead realized a little too late that he let himself get caught up in Byakuya's doings not only because he was too horny to think straight, but because he _wanted_ to.

His previous hesitation was forgotten. The numbness that came over him from fearing that going this far and falling into the arms of someone who only needed his essence to complete a stupid ceremony, was no longer a worry.

He wasn't ashamed with how he reacted anymore, not feeling any guilt towards himself for enjoying Byakuya's mouth on his skin the way he did. He might still be a prisoner in this place, but he didn’t feel like he had no one who would listen to him.

The need to have those hands on him again was stronger than ever, multiplying with the thought of having his feeling reciprocated by someone who didn’t wish to harm him.

"I've told you before, that I want you to touch me," he said softly to the raven, "and I get it now that you actually _need_ to. So it's okay, I really want to touch you too."

This caught Byakuya's attention, making him look intently into Renji's eyes, his features stern and serious despite his semi disheveled appearance. The raven said nothing in return but Renji could tell he was thinking something he won't share with him. Neither of them moved until this point- the redhead in fear of somehow reading the situation wrong and only agitating the other, and Byakuya was simply stony, not able to take his hands off Renji but also not daring to keep his caresses going.

The atmosphere grew heavy between them, taking over every warn kiss and light hearted comment they passed to one another. The candlelight flickered in Byakuya's eyes as the pupils franticly moved while he kept looking at Renji. His mouth was starting to press to a thin line. He closed his eyes then, again seeming to contemplate something that looked like it was physically hurting him, before opening them and hitting the redhead with a sight he didn’t expect to see.

The warmth in the raven's expression made Renji audibly gasp. Byakuya's entire demeanor changed after that silent battle he seemed to fight within himself. Every hard line softened, every dark shadow was now basked in light. Even his eyes seemed to glow for a fraction as he locked them with Renji's own. 

The glowing hot gaze traveled to his lips, leaving a burning sensation in its wake. The soft fingers traveled down his jaw to his tattooed throat, caressing his skin with feather light tenderness. Renji's Adam's apple bobbed under the touch, his breathing becoming weak and shallow as Byakuya's grey orbs traveled to the same tender skin his fingers were exploring.

His gaze lingered there, even as the raven's hand started to travel down his exposed chest. When those gentle fingers caressed his side, Renji couldn't help but take in a sharp breath that made his body jump a bit, bringing Byakuya's attention back to him.

"I have thought about _this_ as well," the raven said low and quiet, "so many times. Not always with the purest intentions."

"I'm not that willing for the greater good either," the redhead let out shakily.

His body was starting to react way too much, the familiar heat gathering in his lower belly, making his legs tremble with how much he wanted those hands to travel lower.

But it wasn't just that. He wanted to feel the entirety of Byakuya against him, _in him_ , not leaving even an inch of space between them. 

The instant Byakuya stepped away from him, Renji lifted himself up to sit and look at the dark-haired man, again being aware how naked he was, how _alert_. Byakuya started to fumble with one of the straps holding his ankles and Renji nearly cried out in delight as his own hands darted to the other, pulling and maneuvering a lot less elegantly than the raven.

When his ankles were finally free, he didn’t even dwell on the sting of his bruised skin or the hard surface of the alter before getting on his knees and sitting down, back arching and head thrown back as he practically moaned with his eyes closed at how good it felt to change position after so long.

He leaned forward, resting some of his weight on his palms, back rounding to bring a little more life to his stiff legs, letting out happy noises of freedom as he did so.

Byakuya just stood at his side, clearing his throat softly.

"Shit, sorry. You guys just have to figure out how to make this crap more comfortable."

"It is alright, take your time." The raven sounded a little amused, rather than impatient.

Was that sound actually him laughing?

Renji turned to him, straightening in the process and causing the velvety robe he was wearing to slide off his shoulder. A few strands of hair fell in front of his face as he regarded the man next to him.

Byakuya did seem amused.

It made Renji smile. It was a good look on Byakuya, cracking the stony surface to reveal the person underneath. There was still an uneasiness around them, making them dance back and forth between closeness and distance in what seem like an endless aura of uncertainty.

The redhead already chose to damn his fate and stay with Byakuya, in a way knowing that there will be no turning back once he decides to stay with him. The other was a mystery to him, barely revealing anything about himself besides the noble Kuchiki side laced with responsibility. It made Renji want to know more, see more and understand more. It wasn't the small dormant part of him who kept pushing his thoughts in this direction anymore, it was Renji himself, wishing to see what kind of life he might have from this point on.

_It might be a grave mistake._

He thought as he moved to the side of the stone.

_I might never be the same again._

Was what crossed his mind as Byakuya got closer and settled between his thighs.

_I wish I could know what you're thinking._

Their lips connected in a deep slow kiss.

_I wish I could remember._

Long tattooed legs wrapped themselves around the raven's waist, pulling him close.

The candlelight danced as the two lovers let their hands tangle in each other.

Calloused, tan fingers peeling aside silk garments to touch pale, flushed skin, traveling down strong shoulders and back, gliding across and grabbing a broad chest and firm backside.

Pale elegant digits cupping a strong sharp jaw. Their tips tangling in silky crimson locks, running across muscles and inked, damp skin, relishing in the heat radiating from it.

Their tongues danced around each other, small noises of delight escaping them both as the strong legs wrapped around the raven brought them closer than ever before. There was no barrier of fabric between them anymore, no way of hiding their need and arousal, pressing firmly against one another.

A guttural sound left Byakuya's throat as he grinded against Renji, bringing their stiff erections together in a slow tortures movement.

The feeling of Byakuya against him made Renji moan shamelessly, his mind becoming clouded already with all things happening at once- the mouth he was devouring, the demanding hands, the skin against his own.

Byakuya's scent was intoxicating, his movements sending electricity down Renji's spine. He couldn't get enough, needing to feel him as much as possible. The raven's cock rubbed against his again, surprising the redhead with how hard Byakuya already was. He squeezed the soft flesh of Byakuya's backside, moaning to himself at how perfect it was, and pressed Kuchiki harder against himself, drowning in the sensation of their leaking cocks gliding against each other.

The hand on his jaw tangled in his hair, pulling hard in response.

The arousing pain made him break the kiss with a soft cry, giving Byakuya the perfect opportunity to assault his neck again. This time, the raven skipped the teasing and went straight to the harsh biting he knew would drive Renji crazy.

He wasn't used to being handled like this by others. Usually his partners wanted him to take the lead due to his size, and when given the permission, treated him either too harshly or too softly. Never the perfect combination of both.

Another bite.

Another pull.

Another thrust.

The raven didn't have any mercy on him.

Renji moved his arm to Byakuya's hip, preventing him from rubbing against him again.

"Is that it?" The raven rasped against his neck. Soft lips tickled the bruised area as warm, heavy breaths made Renji's flesh cover in goose bumps.

"I want you, Byakuya. P-please."

_Please stop driving me crazy like that._

The graze of lips on his skin was light and slow. "Are you sure?"

"Yes! Just fuck me already!"

Just how many times did he have to convince Byakuya's thick head that he wanted this?!

They both moved quickly after that, separating just enough for Renji to give Byakuya room. He got on top of the alter in an instant. The raven was barefoot all this time it seemed, finally shedding some light on how he was so silent when roaming about.

Renji's sure hands stripped Byakuya of his robes, fully intending to just throw them on the floor, only to be stopped by the raven himself who discarded them on the stony surface instead.

The redhead was just about to question his decision when Byakuya's hand reached into the pile of clothing, coming up with a small vile filled with a liquid substance, the warn light turning it a beautiful color of ember.

Abarai chose to ignore it. He preferred to pretend that this wasn't the reason he was there in the first place. Instead, his eyes roamed Kuchiki Byakuya's naked form. It was as surreal and angelic as the rest of him, the pale skin causing him to look like he was made of marble.

He took in every single curve, every jutting bone, every muscle. Even trailing the soft line of dark hair leading to the raven's hard member, the flesh turning reddish with the pent-up need.

They kept clinging to each other, mouths meeting franticly and legs tangling as the raven lay Renji back, settling between his thighs.

The redhead spread his legs, still embracing Byakuya's neck while supporting himself on one arm so that he won't have to separate from him. He didn't even let go as Byakuya broke the kiss momentarily, leaning back on his knees in an afterthought of needing both his hands to open the small vile.

The realization across his features was actually cute.

Byakuya pulled away, his breathing heavy and rapid, pupils blown so wide that his eyes were practically black. It sent a pleasant feeling to Renji's stomach, mixing in with the giddiness of anticipation. He coated his fingers with the substance, bringing them to the redhead's puckered entrance. The fingers gently massaged his hole, causing a pleasant feeling to climb up his spine, his cheeks heating at the sensation.

The raven murmured something that Renji didn't understand in his state. He was only able to focus on the fingers pressing to the sensitive flesh and the arm coming around him, helping him stay upright.

The first finger entered him slowly. Heat gathered in his lower back with every inch that pushed into him -growing hotter and hotter- from tip to knuckle.

Renji was used to the sensation, so it was very easy to adjust. Even as the same finger started going in and out of him. Again, _agonizingly_ slow. He knew Byakuya was looking at him, trying to see if the redhead was having any difficulty, as if he was too weak to handle one finger.

He could hear Byakuya smirking as a second finger was added, this time dragging a groan from Renji.

This motherfucker was being too smug.

The redhead was about to say something when suddenly the fingers gliding in and out of him curled upward, surprising him so much with the sudden pleasure that he knocked his head with Byakuya's in his sudden jerking.

"S-sorr- sorry~ _Ah!_ " This time his back arched violently at the sharper jab to his prostate, the fingers pressing to it as they massaged his sweet spot in circles, not letting him utter another word.

When they retreated back to their thrusting he was finally able to breathe again, not even having the need to get mad at the dirty trick. The clever fingers kept scissoring inside him, coming in and out, threatening to press his prostate again, and teasing around it.

The blood pumping in his ears was mixing with labored breathing and the beautiful sound of Byakuya's soft laugh at Renji's weak attempt at revenge. The redhead buried his face in the dark-haired man's neck, sucking and licking, dragging soft sounds of content from the raven.

When a third finger was added, Byakuya's movements became more erratic. The two of them knew that they won't be able to keep this up much longer. He lay the redhead back down, his cock leaking like crazy.

Byakuya pulled his fingers out. His breath hitched slightly, control starting to falter. Renji didn’t even need to think twice before wrapping his fingers around him. He gathered precum, spreading it all over the throbbing hardness in his hand, from tip to base, and started moving in slow drags.

The shock seemed to catch Byakuya off guard, making him thrust instinctively into his hand. He looked at Renji in question, only to find him mimicking the same flushed and heated look that was plastered on his own face. Renji swallowed thickly, mouth going dry at the way Byakuya's eyes closed and face went slack with each movement he made. He kept going, adding slightly harder tugs and twists of his wrist that made Kuchiki groan dangerously. 

"What are you doing?" he asked the redhead between labored breaths.

Abarai only looked at him, completely lost in his ministrations. "You won't last," he said with no intention to mock Byakuya.

Renji figured out how close the raven was to toppling over the edge, knowing full well that it will be better to let him cum now so that they'll both be able to drag out what they wanted so much.

The raven leaned forward, locking Renji's lips in a sweet kiss, his smile persistently sticking to his face, threatening to stay there forever. He wrapped his hand around Renji's, keeping his distance from the redheads own nether region, and let Renji take the lead. He swallowed every groan coming from Byakuya, going faster and harder, feeling the raven nearing his peak. The increasing thrusts into his hand and the tightening of the fingers around his own were practically desperate, self-control no longer occupying Kuchiki's mind.

Byakuya's entire body went rigid, his forehead pressing Renji's so hard that his tattoo might have transferred to the other's face. The tamed moan the raven let out as he came might be the best sound Renji ever heard. He let his movements come to a slow stop, the feeling of warm seed running between his fingers bringing him a sort of pride.

He knew it, Byakuya was so close to cumming it was honestly impressive he lasted this long without exploding.

Byakuya nearly tumbled on top of him, keeping away from Renji's own sensitive flesh as tried to catch his breath. They were both drenched in sweat, hair sticking to their faces and necks as thick drops ran down their backs and temples.

The redhead wiped his hand on the robe he wore, not caring for the small garment one bit. His eyes fixed at the ceiling above the raven's head when he lay next to him on the stony surface. The alter was surprisingly big enough to fit them both comfortably, letting them just lie for a moment and catch their breaths.

He kept staring in deep thought before turning back to Byakuya.

The raven's eyes were bright and his cheeks flushed as he looked at Renji. His breathing slowly became calmer, though a frantic heartbeat could be heard in the small space between them.

It might have been Byakuya's.

It might have been Renji's too.

"You people have a sense of humor," the redhead let out, breaking the silence settling between them.

The raven frowned in query.

"The celling?" Renji gestured upwards with his head, making the raven gaze up momentarily before turning back.

confusion still.

"I only got it now… a man and a demon dancing right above the alter- _doing the devil's tango_. It's funny." 

The snort that came from Byakuya was very un-noble like, but his face did split into a wide grin as he shook his head at the magnificent discovery. "I do not reckon that this is what they meant.." The raven couldn’t help but be confused at the awed stare he got from the redhead. The frown deepened. "… Renji?"

"You have dimples." His voice was laced with the same awe spread on his face.

"Do I?" Byakuya frowned again.

" _You never noticed?_ " Renji raised himself on his forearm, too shocked to believe.

"Perhaps it slipped my mind over the years."

Byakuya actually sounded serious. He must be messing with him; no way a person couldn't know they had something this noticeable on their face. But then again… Renji did notice it just now, and even up close the raven didn’t have any smile lines adoring his face. Frown line though, he did have, so there was no way he kept his face _that_ expressionless all the time.

"How can someone just forget something like that? How old are you anyway?" he asked the contemplating raven, voice still raised in disbelief.

"Too old to laugh at something such as this" He gestured with his head towards the painted celling.

"Jerk!"

"It was a fantastic find, Renji."

"Say it like you mean it then!"

The handsome shit only chuckled faintly. 

Renji turned away from the raven, laying on his side in fake offence. His eyes rested on the candles. The flames were calm and steady, unlike before. He wished there were lamps instead, they gave him the creeps.

Just as he thought he saw their flames grow in size; a warm body was pressed to his back. Byakuya's arm came to wrap around him, caressing his chest in slow, lazy movements. The raven propped himself on his elbow, the tip of his nose teasing the shell of Renji's ear.

The redhead couldn't help but lean into the warn embrace, faintly remembering a privet memory of a faceless lover by the water. He could feel Byakuya's reawakened enthusiasm against his lower back side, the velvety robe riding up with every movement he made, allowing more of his skin to come in contact with the warm half hardened flesh.

It wasn't what caught his attention though. The aroused body pressing to his and the sudden twitch of excitement from his own member, were the last of his concerns with what Byakuya was doing. What did catch it was the way his entire body seemed to embrace Renji. Their legs were tangled, bodies flushed against one another and the raven's arm stroke lazy and loving circles on his chest and abdomen, the thumb occasionally flicking his nipples, causing him to let out barely audible gasps. Byakuya was gently nuzzling his ear and neck, spreading soft pecks on any exposed skin he could find, making even the ghost of a touch send shivers through the redhead. All of it was just _too intimate._

It was too close

Too loving

Too tempting

Too much

_Don't-_

The only thing that left him was a soft moan coming through his parted lips as a warm hand caressed him in time with the open-mouthed kiss the raven left on his heated neck.

He started grinding against Byakuya in slow movements, turning his head back enough to look at the raven. Warm brown eyes met steely grey, sharing a silent agreement as the two men got lost in another warm kiss.

Renji's hand came around the raven, tangling itself in his smooth inky locks, holding him close. The arm the raven was leaning on sneaked under his neck to start playing with his chest while the other kept going lower, passing a soft crimson trail to wrap around the redhead's forgotten cock.

They kept their pace slow and tender, enjoying the warmth in their core.

Both of their heated bodies grinded in harmony. The way the raven's hand stroked the other's shaft as he himself grew thicker and harder, made both of them utter sounds from deep within themselves.

Renji's shuddering thigh rose up in an invite, letting Byakuya know he was ready. Those clever fingers left his cock, passing over two soft testicles before finding his entrance again, still sleek and loose from their earlier doings. 

They slipped inside him two at a time, dragging out sounds of pleasure that Byakuya happily swallowed. The redhead started pushing against them desperately, trying to get them deep enough inside him, his cock leaking and twitching in his lap.

The raven pulled them out then, swiftly arranging both of them so that Renji was on his back again. This time it was with the raven between his legs, the head of his manhood pressed to his waiting entrance without breaching. Renji's eyes were glazed in silent wait. They couldn't do it just yet. The lube that slickened him for the fingers wasn't enough to let Byakuya to just glide into him without hurting.

And there was also the matter of protection…

He suspected it from the start- if they were going to have to 'come together' there might not be the option of using something like a condom. Yeah, this wasn't something to take lightly - _any of it_ \- especially not with someone he had just met. He always used it when he had sex, knowing too well how dangerous it could be, and even now when he was _literally_ burning with passion, it still mattered.

"I am sorry, Renji, but there is no way around it." His voice sounded tight. Guilty almost.

Obviously for someone growing up with the realization that it must be done this way, there might have been nothing to really fear when it came to this moment. But still, Byakuya seemed too sure that it will be okay. Almost as if he had nothing to fear at all.

Maybe he really didn't

"The blessing is supposed to give you a long and healthy life right? Free of illness and harm, so that's a given isn't it?"

He got a sure nod in return. "Yes. The both of us."

The redhead only looked at him with confusion.

"You seemed to be following everything I have said but you might have not given something else much thought." Byakuya moved back a few inches from Renji, the warn touch between them lost for the moment.

But the raven didn't seem angry or disappointed, he only had a faint smile and a warm look that was meant to reassure Renji before saying, "the man and beast, you and I, both are the same. The blessings that I receive will come for you as well. We become connected, Renji. Depended on each other's existence."

Renji gulped, mulling the information over and over in his head.

Not fearing any hardship or having to worry about the awful things that could harm his fragile human body… _Knowing that he is safe._

And live longer… Long after the people he had grown to love are gone. Being alone again, feeling lost again.

No, not alone.

With Byakuya.

Renji could feel it. It was looming over everything the raven told him so far- they will be together, he found him at last, and he will keep Renji close. He won't let him go.

"What if I refuse? Will I be able to live my life like before?" He had to ask despite the full faith he had in the words, had to know that he could still choose.

"Yes."

It was a simple answer. Not even a second of hesitation from the raven. He said it as if it was waiting for Renji to ask. But his voice… it was different.

At that moment Byakuya sounded heartbroken.

So, Renji believed him. This is what _he_ wanted, after all.

"I still want you to have it," he said pleadingly, "even if I won't be able to do it, will you still have it? could I stay the same and still let you get what you need?"

There was a lump in his throat, panic at the thought of betraying the agreement they had. But it wasn’t just that. Somehow, disappointment washed over him. Disappointment of himself for trying to avoid what he chose.

"After the end of the ceremony a few of the former beasts chose to leave. They did the same, they refused. And the blessing remained. If you choose to live your life on your own I will understand, but if not… I could give you this gift too."

Renji's chest felt hollow. Byakuya's sad voice was the mirrored image of his own feelings. The raven's face remained warm, not a hint of the cold hearted stranger he was at first.

"I fell in love with _you_ , Renji. I have known this for a while. Not because you are the beast but because I had the chance of seeing a different truth about you. No matter what you choose after this I am grateful for the chance of meeting you."

Before tonight the redhead would have never let those words hit him as hard as they did now.

He would have mocked Byakuya, laughed in his face, crushed even the smallest idea of excepting it for a fact.

But the hollowness did not let him utter a word. It clawed in his chest and screamed in his ears, just like it did when the words he unknowingly marked his skin with were exposed for what they truly were. He felt Byakuya's love, felt his need and longing, so a part of him opened up and let those mark his being as well.

He said nothing, not trusting his brain to produce the right words to use. Instead, he wrapped his legs around the raven's hips, his silent answer to the question that sat heavily between them.

Byakuya took the small vile back in his hand, opening it and sleeking himself before discarding it again and leaning forward. The head of his cock pressed Renji's hole, the heat radiating from it almost burned. His arms rested by both sides of the redhead, giving him one last look before pushing forward slowly, all the way until his hips met the soft flesh of the redhead.

The sweet burn of the stretch made Renji's legs go numb. Every fiber in his being screamed in joyed union at the feeling of Byakuya inside him.

He was stunning. His pale skin was deeply flushed and glistening with sweat. The midnight hair framing his face and the eyes burning with intensity, were a sight that made the redhead's breath hitch. Those eyes roamed all over Renji, taking in every single detail as if he was branding it into his mind.

Was he afraid that this was a goodbye?

Byakuya didn’t need for Renji to tell him to move -somehow always, _always_ , knowing the right thing to do- before he pulled out almost all the way and then buried himself in the redhead again.

Renji moaned at the tingles that coursed through him with every movement Byakuya made. His thick member filled him to the brim making his head spin with the intensity of each torturously slow thrust, and each harsh press of the raven's body against his. He tried to tighten himself around Byakuya. Both moaned in union as it made the raven thrust harder, bringing a new kind of temptation for them both.

It made Byakuya set a quicker pace, driving in and out of Renji who was barely able to keep himself from letting out lewd keens and whines every time his prostate was grazed. With a hard thrust Byakuya jammed himself into that sweet spot, causing Renji to arch his back with a cry of pleasure.

He kept going, encouraged by the sounds the quivering redhead beneath him was making.

Renji's hand grabbed Byakuya's bicep. The other one found the edge of the alter above his head, grabbing it with such intensity his knuckles turned white, holding onto dear life.

With his eyes closed and lips parted in complete surrender to pleasure, he couldn't see the way Byakuya looked at him anymore.

"You're so beautiful, Renji. So, so beautiful," Byakuya breathed into his neck. The redhead hadn't even felt him lean down.

The hand that held the strong bicep went to claw at the ravens back, long fingers digging themselves into the muscles, ignoring the pinching pain in his bruised palm in favor of digging harder.

"You feel so perfect, Renji. You're perfect." The raven hitched his hips up, hitting his prostate over and over again, the thrusts increasing in speed, setting an almost brutal pace that felt maddeningly good.

"Fu- fuck-" He cut himself off with a scream as a hard bite to his neck came with a particularly hard jab.

His hand left the alter, grabbing Byakuya's ass with so much force it might leave bruises, urging him to go even harder if it was even possible. He felt himself getting close, managing to bury his face in Byakuya's neck, sucking and biting as best as he could, letting all the sounds he was fucking out of him seep into the raven's skin.

Renji's hair was pulled and without a warning Byakuya's mouth captured his in a wet kiss. He tightened his arms around the raven, swallowing all the groans and moans that left the dark-haired beauty's mouth as he too was nearing his peak again.

Renji's cock was trapped between them, _begging_ to be touched. But he didn’t want to stop holding Byakuya. Didn’t even want to break the kiss in order to ask the other to touch him instead. Not that he could do any of it, words and movements were no longer something he could control. Even pushing against the raven was impossible in this state.

Or maybe he _was_ doing it. The intensity made everything too hard to focus on, so he gave up trying.

He only let instinct guide him, hoping he was still conscious enough to enjoy it.

Though that was becoming impossible too.

Just as Renji thought he might faint from utter bliss, his body was easily lifted and maneuvered to a sitting position, saddling the raven's hips.

The sudden stop helped his head clear enough to realize what happened- how Byakuya just easily grabbed and moved him. He was tall and muscly, not a petite thing that could be swung in the air like it was _nothing_.

He thought of the strange light behind Byakuya's eyes, glowing with other worldly power, changing the simple mortal into a being of power. Healthier and stronger. A beast in its own right.

A beast that drove into him with such intensity he nearly lost consciousness.

Byakuya didn’t say anything, didn’t even stop the wonderful assault on his mouth, only used the new position to hug Renji tightly with both his arms.

The redhead broke apart, drawing a deep breath into his lungs. He could feel the sweat break on his skin, tasting it on his lips and on Byakuya's too. The candlelight was blinding with its intensity, making it hard to focus on anything besides the glowing orbs before him. Kuchiki's pupils were blown wide, leaving once again only thin rings of color. But this time they glowed brighter than anything else in the room.

He looked at Renji under lowered lashes, chest rising and falling as he struggled to breath as well. "Are you alright?"

_A fine question to ask someone you nearly split in half with your dick._

"Self-flattery much?"

The sound of Byakuya's breathy and warm laugh made Renji smile. Those dimples showed themselves again daring him to kiss them.

He leaned in, wrapping his arms around the raven's shoulders, and gave him a sweet peck on the cheek, feeling the rare broad smile disappear beneath his lips. His mind was still going very slowly, so it took him too long to feel the hand on his hip lifting him up slightly and bringing him down again.

With shaky legs he started to move up and down, letting the sure hand guide him. His arms tightened on Byakuya's shoulders, finding balance. Renji found his ground again, increasing his pace. Too quickly he felt the heat gather in his spine once more, his overstimulated body shuddering with the mere feeling of riding Byakuya.

The raven helped him, leaning on his arm to find leverage in order to thrust up and meet the redhead halfway. The new angle let Renji be the one to set the pace this time. He was so glad he found himself still able to commend his legs to put in the work without stopping, filling the room with the sounds of flesh hitting against flesh.

He tightened around the raven, arching back just enough to relieve the pressure of both their stomachs on his aching cock. Byakuya didn't waste time with just penetrating him for his own pleasure. No, he thrusted up, hitting Renji's prostate with skillful knowledge, over and over again until they were both moaning and breathing hard again. 

Sharp canines bit tattooed collarbones, earning keens and incoherent pleas. Renji's heartbeat was so loud in his ears that it muffled Byakuya's frantic mumbles against his skin. His entire body tightened when he felt the impossible pressure in his groin grow too persistent to be ignored any longer.

Renji might have begged without realizing it -too far gone in the sea of lust to be able to make sense of anything- because long fingers wrapped around him, spreading his own precum across his length in fast, hard movements until he couldn't bear it anymore, cumming hard on both of their chests in long spurts of white fluid.

The tightening of his body was the last straw for Byakuya as well, making his thrusts frantic and uncoordinated, breaking the perfect rhythm he kept until he was no longer able to control himself.

He slammed hard into the body atop of him, holding the redhead Impossibly close as his mumbles blended with his groans and he came deeply inside of Renji, sending the redhead's body into another wave of pleasure.

Raw fire made its way through Renji's veins once more, searing and decimating everything in its wake. The world turned into a dark pit, lit only by the two of them. The flame was shapeless, thoughtless, uncontained, burning too strong and too bright to even comprehend before disappearing completely, leaving only embers behind.

It was a pillar of smoke.

A beacon in the darkness.

It was calling out a name, but it did not belong to him.

Not anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many tears were shed in this place.  
> Many laughts bounced of its walls.  
> But before all those -long, long before- there was just a creature, that wanted nothing more than to rest its hurting heart in the arms of someone it could trust.

Their life was filled with pain from the beginning. They were born in a dark world, no sun shone there in the start of a new day, the light reflecting off the moon too weak to notice most of the time through the thick cover of dark clouds.

They often thought of the thing called stars, wishing they could see them at least once in their life. They heard the stories whispered behind clawed hands, passed on from one entity to the other in rare blinks of kindness- 'stars', beautiful and bright, mesmerizing captions of death. They wished they could see them too. At least once.

There was a time they still believed they could.

There was no beauty in their world, only fear and pain behind every corner. 'Lucky' they were called. Lucky among the damned. But they were not. Just like the stars, they were a mere exaggeration, still present even though there was nothing to them. They were nothing anymore.

Led only by the need to survive, they roamed the world, walking and walking, searching for nothing but a chance to have one day without suffering. Thirst and starvation were the only things that kept the empty shells going in this world, desperate and lost in search for one more way to ease the ache.

They were always alone nowadays, their mind and body shattered beyond repair. Days blended into nights; time lost all meaning. The skin and flesh sagged off their bones, beginning to decay and peel off. When they were still young, power flowed in their veins like water flowed in rivers. It was rare and raw, the luck they prided themselves with.

Before, others started taking notice to them.

Every time the other beasts found them; they took from them. They only took and took, draining them from their power and using their gift for themselves. The lucky one was now treated as dirt, nothing more than a weed to be stomped. They hid behind jagged rocks in the darkness, silently weeping when they knew they could not outrun the monsters that chased them anymore. After they healed enough to breathe again, they only curled in on themselves, eating nothing but the insects that crawled in their hair, waiting numbly for the rain to start to pour and wash away their agony. They opened their mouth, strong jaw opening wide revealing sharp teeth and a long, pointy tongue, trying to catch as much water as they could to ease their dry, aching throat.

And so, they lived another day.

They walked and walked, and when they could not- they crawled, cowering from every howl that made its way to them. Always aimless. Always alone drowning in fear. Hoping the sound of their hooves was not reaching the ears of the creatures that hid all around them.

They heard the call then. More than that, they _felt_ the tug in their bones. A sudden warmth touched their flesh -it was a wish, a _plea_ \- coming from a circle of light. Desperate, they lunged towards it, ignoring the shock that hit their limbs. Their skin cracked; golden fire started running through them as they began passing the searing gate. Faster and faster, kicking and clawing their way through, hoping they could pass before the others got to it as well. They screamed and roared, pushing forward with every drop of strength they had left, tolerating the burn with their last reserve.

And then it stopped. And they saw him.

Through the blinding light of candles, their eyes managed to land on the human before them. The man was gaping and shaking, disbelief written across his terrified features. They heard a high-pitched scream at their side, turning to see other mortals cowering in the corners, shielding themselves with the dark robes they wore. They breathed in, lungs straining from the easiness in which they took their breath.

Their eyes took in the markings on the floor, red blood mixed with chalk, creating a simple summoning spell. Too easy to break. Those humans were too naïve. The weak scratch of metal on stone brought their attention back to the man they saw first. He was curled in on himself, bowing with his head pressed to the floor, arms weakly laid before his head, bleeding and limp, a finger missing on each hand.

He was surrendering to them. 

The wails and screeches echoed from within the circle, bringing back painful memories of wicked claws ripping their flesh apart. Without hesitation, they dragged a hoof across the floor, destroying the circle and shutting the door closed. The sounds ceased, left behind in a world of endless despair.

In the silence, they looked at the shivering human clad in black.

Their savior.

With slow movements, they mimicked his stance, letting him know how grateful they were, trying to hold back the cries that threatened to tear their throat apart.

Ever since that moment they knew- their life would be dedicated to that man- the lord of the estate, Byakuya Kuchiki.

Mere hours after their arrival, they were already sat on the lord's personal porch enjoying the slow rising sun. It was warm on their skin, drying the last drops of water they were allowed to wash themselves with. They closed their eyes, taking in a deep breath, and smiled at the fresh smell of leaves, coming from the many plants surrounding them. The larger pots were dragged from the greenhouse, the smaller ones in their lap, were the few they found in the burning room. 

The lord sat there in a wooden chair beside them, two bandaged hands in his lap. He watched them smile, naming every flower with patience, speaking a language they both understood with a deep, caressing voice. They kept breathing in, touching the damp soil with their fingers. They couldn’t get enough.

Mostly not of him.

He sat with them for many hours a day, listening to every word they had to say. The dark-haired man looked at them with eyes of adoration, a strange warmth that rarely shone there when he spoke to his family. He spoke kindly and highly of his kin, but he never seemed to spend much time with them. And it seemed, that they chose not to disturb him as well, letting him have his distance.

He seemed troubled most of the time, turning his frown to a smile only when they gently grazed their skin with his. Byakuya kept trying to pronounce their name in those pleasant moments they shared, but he could not do it. No matter how hard he tried.

"If you wish to call me a beast I will except," they told him. "It will be much easier."

He only reached out and took their hand in his. "Choose a name then. Pick a lovely one, like you deserve. One I will be able to pronounce without embarrassing the both of us." He chuckled then, causing them to break into a toothy grin.

Byakuya brought their hand to his lips, kissing their grey-fleshed knuckles softly.

The urge to pull away was too strong to avoid, but they feared of offending him. How could he put his mouth on them like that? They were bruised and healing still. But he only looked at them from under half lidded eyes, causing a sudden heat to gather in their cheeks for the first time. 

Their strength came back soon after, letting them finally straighten their back, standing tall and proud. Whatever they could spare of it, they gave Byakuya in small doses. They tried their hand in healing and soothing, putting faint smiles on the passing faces of the people living in his estate. When they were strong enough they told him half the truth of their gift- good fortune and good health, a rare kind of magic.

A magic he searched for in the first place, dragging them away from their torment.

They gave him their blood, finally able to choose who used it and how. He took it with gratitude, thanking them over and over again for saving his family from their downfall. But they would not have it. They should be the one thanking him for giving them a new chance at life.

So, they asked for something of him, a few drops of _his_ deep and crimson blood, filled with the simplicity and pureness of mortals. They dipped their fingers in it, touching it to the crown of their head and silently said a forbidden prayer. It was when they changed at last, their skin turning pink and smooth, and eyes a deep warm brown. The lord's eyes widened as he beheld them- _her_ , gently running a hand on her delicate cheek.

She watched him graze her soft crimson locks with awe. "Is it still you?" he asked her.

She nodded, knowing that if she was a woman it would be easier for him to finally call her-

"Beautiful," he breathed out. "You are so beautiful."

"For you," she said shyly. She didn’t want him to feel guilty for looking at her anymore. This way, she was passable.

But he shook his head lightly, a faint smile appearing on his lips. "I fell in love with your heart. I will love you no matter how you look."

She knew he was not telling the truth. But she did not care anymore. _She_ chose to wear her new beginning like second skin. And _she_ will remain this way. He took off the white robe he wore, covering her exposed form, trying to keep his gaze from lingering too much. She tried to stand then, but her new legs gave out beneath her. He caught her, taking her in his arms, and carried her out of the room through the moonlit halls of the dormant estate.

Silent tears of joy ran down her face as he kissed her near one of the large windows, the now familiar stars shining brighter than ever before. 

She did everything right in her own eyes- she became beautiful and happy and loved, giving her heart and earning her stay by his side. She gave and gave, so happy that she did not care she was fading once more. Her body strong once again, withstanding the pain that grew harsher with every day that passed. The redhead ignored her aches as best as she could, but Byakuya noticed her slow decay, falling to his knees with the fear of losing her. He begged her to stay. Wished for her to be saved at any cost.

So, she told him about the true nature of her gift, and like the true demon she was, made him say yes to her terms. She tied their souls together, damning him with her.

There was a reason she survived for so long without dying. It was the true power she had- an eternal life, blessing every passerby with a gift. A lucky one sharing their luck. Her soul will never be lost, her body would break and shatter, but she will always come back.

An endless pit of life made to keep going no matter what.

She tied her soul to the mortal realm, keeping herself from slipping back into the void she crawled out of, when this existence ends. The redhead promised her lover it was the only way for her to stay- making them both carry the burden in their souls. That way, she could stay by his side as a true mortal and not an illusion. It will be easier.

The ceremony she created worked. The two of them shared a happy, healthy life together. They held each other through the decades, taking their last breath as one.

But she promised Byakuya she would help them. Promised that the Kuchiki blood would never stop tying to the 'beast', as some of his family still called her behind his back. And she came back, memoryless and clueless, waiting for something she could not remember.

And the Kuchiki's? They came for her, guided by the instructions she herself left behind. They were to find her and awaken her, bring back the dormant past and let her go on a little longer. Byakuya never knew of it.

The same happened again and again. Every head of the clan that found her or him or them, recreated the same steps the ceremony dictated, earning a blessing for themselves. The beast's memories came back, that way or the other, leaving the poor creature heartbroken and used once more.

Until, death put an end to the torment.

And then life inflicted it anew.

They only wished all Kuchiki's were similar to Byakuya -kind and loving- but they were wrong. Humans were just as rotten as demons. The nobles kept forgetting who they were, and _they_ kept letting those mortals take them and use them. The Kuchiki's tied them, hurt them and locked them without caring for their unwillingness or cluelessness, all to gain the favor that was promised.

Not all were bad. Some were kinder, letting them go. Those ones treated them like they would any other human. And even more than that at times. On rare rays of fate, the beast even had the chance to find love once more, landing in the arms of true descendants of Byakuya- worthy of being called noble.

It went on and on, the circle broken only by the long years in which the beast was never found. Every time they were though, the memories came back with a growing bitterness and dread- fear of never being able to find the one soul they searched for. Even kindness was not able to peel off the layer of rot that covered their heart anymore. They were empty once again, desperate to find him.

Hardly ever did the old consciousness slip back to them in their lives, but it seemed to do so more and more often these days. Never more than a second though, and never lingering in memory.

Their finger spelled their love's name unknowingly, finding comfort when the pain threatened to spill out. They traced it in the dust, hiding under a bunk bed in a house full of children.

Their mind tickled with a thought of a warm hand in theirs on a cold, starry night.

They felt a tug in their chest when they thought they heard his voice again, telling their story in the darkness. Even feeling the tug of annoyance or amusement shooting at the dark beyond the pit in their soul.

And then, they saw him again, only for a moment, standing flushed and worried before them, calling out a name they did not realize was theirs, before blinking his image away.

But it was him.

They were sure.

Through a thick fog, they tried to reach him, unable to move and commend their limbs. But it was easier to think now, even if they still struggled to understand why anger kept pulling them back. That same red ball of anger pushed them aside, taking control again. They wanted to tear it apart, and throw it back to the pit instead, but it only pushed them further.

They were furious at it- at _themselves_ , not understanding why they saw a world so different than what they were used to. They were not a _memory_ , they were a _soul_ , but in this lifetime, it was split. A crack tore them in the middle, created by that red ball of fury, containing sadness that battled their own.

Panic shot through them, uncertainty as to what was happening to them, succumbed to that anger that kept pressing down.

To their surprise, it lunged- _they lunged_ , finally feeling those warm lips against their own. It stopped pushing. Renji stopped pushing himself back. Again came that shock they felt so long ago, pulsing through every nerve. It was enough for now; they were somehow feeling and unfeeling at the same time, aware of it all but numb to everything as the loving hands they remembered touched them again with long lost marvel.

He was Renji again, lost in the arms he remembered too well but could not remember at all.

The part that was the beast stepped back and closed its eyes in defeat. 

Then, fire found him once more, burning from within.

They opened their eyes as their chest basked in warmth, tightening one last time, a tingle running up their spine.

He burned brighter than ever, and they saw it- the same ring of flame that tugged at them so many times before, reaching out and calling their true name.

The Kuchiki's never failed in taking from them, it seemed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello!  
> I spent my weekend listening to Inuyasha's sad ost and figured- 'heck, why not make things worse by giving birth to some angst'  
> Just great.  
> I hate myself sometimes. I really do.  
> Anyway, on a happier note- I hope you enjoyed this short chapter:)) I'd be happy to know what you thought!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji's mind is split. Two sides fight to have the upper hand as the ceremony comes to conclution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Just wanted to give a quick warning, this chapter contains gore, so please be aware of it.   
> Also, I'm adding a few more warnings in the notes at the end of the chapter so if you're worried about anything that you're might not be comfortable with, check them out.

In the minutes it took them to come back from their high, only pants and heartbeats echoed in the room.

Renji opened his eyes, blinking through the persistent sting that began bothering him again. He was just starting to arrange his thoughts, kicking away the fog in his mind, when he noticed something else.

Between the heaving breaths and weakened beats, faint whispers reached his ears, blending with the sounds in seamless perfection.

He made himself focus on it, trying to make out what Byakuya was murmuring against his damp skin while the remaining damper still lingered. It was a frantic chant, the words repeated over and over again like a prayer- 'I love you, I loveyou, Iloveyou…' It slowly faded in light of Renji's calmed breathing, as if Byakuya figured that the heaving in his chest was no longer able to tune it out.

Renji tried to stay as still as possible, but his entire body was still quivering, every intake of air sending faint shivers through him.

Byakuya stopped, leaning his head on Renji's shoulder. He didn’t speak to Renji, only stopped and kept breathing as if nothing happed at all. He probably didn't want the redhead to actually hear him.

Since the moment he confessed, Byakuya's revelations were never that forward. He only acknowledged his feelings twice, and even then he never mentioned it as anything but a simple fact in that strange way of his. It made sense in a way- keeping it hidden as much as possible, letting the words settle and be present without making them to cut. It was passive -brushed to the side even- never this raw and bold declaration.

If Byakuya had told him this way, knowing himself, Renji would have felt trapped. Even now, when he knew that it was just the afterglow giving Byakuya's tongue free reign, the redhead still couldn’t help but think it's cruel. Though beyond that petty bitterness, he found himself wishing he could comfort Byakuya, tell him it's okay to say those words freely, say that he heard and that he excepted.

His chest tightened when he heard him say it, and his body wanted nothing but to keep holding the raven close. He wanted to taste Byakuya's lips again and hold his hand in the halls of the mansion, just like he used to do.

But it wasn’t the same; it wasn’t love. It couldn’t be. It defied any logic he had.

Renji should really stop fooling himself. His heart wasn’t lying, _of course_ he loved Byakuya. The raven was different, he wasn't like any of the ones that came before him. It was almost the same soul he remembered. Renji enjoyed even sitting there, warm loving arms draped around him, safe in Byakuya's lap, feeling his heated, damp skin against his.

Both hearts beat in their chests in a perfect sync that wasn’t entirely due to their harsh lovemaking. The two of them were still connected, not daring to move. Not wishing to, at all.

Byakuya's face was buried in his exposed shoulder, shaky fingers caressing the skin under the velvety robe Renji wore, admiring the limp body perched in his lap.

Slow, lazy, familiar.

They kept sitting like this until it was no longer possible for Byakuya to stay inside him. Renji removed himself, the sperm dribbling out of him in a steady trickle onto the raven's skin and stone beneath. Renji expected himself to drift to sleep, lulled into serene rest once he was done with his roll, but instead his mind seemed to become more alert to the things around him. It felt like sitting in a snow globe- small and secure in your world but still seeing everything else through the distorted glass, aware but uncaring. The high was completely gone by then; the fog nowhere to be found, giving room to the aches and burns that were hidden in the shadow of euphoria.

Renji's limbs felt like jelly, palm throbbing in sync with his pulse. The places Byakuya bit and grabbed hurt with every breath he took, and his knees were most likely decorated black and blue from the repeated contact with the harsh surface. The pain ran up his spine and hugged his stiff shoulders, gathering in his most privet of places. It reminded him just how empty he was, even as the aftermath of their doings was still trickling out of him.

It was a mere inconvenience. Just like his previously bound wrists and ankles, Renji was able to ignore all of it.

Almost all off it.

He looked at the candle in front of him -the one symbolizing life- standing separately from the other four at its sides. It burned steadily, crimson wax dripping along its carved hold like tears of blood. It looked like it was dying, disappearing slowly from existence and memory. Fading into nothing but smoke.

His own tears felt the same. Warm and steady, silent in their arrival as they passed his lashes and cheeks, running down his neck and seeping into the crimson hair sticking to his nape. He couldn't stop them, not even understanding when they started or why.

His lower lip quivered, threatening to part and let out pathetic weeps. He did not understand the painful feeling in his chest. Never felt anything like it before either. It was a pain he couldn’t explain, coming from a deep place within him. It was the same place where the voice in the back of his head, first came from- the same void from which it called for him when he learned the truth of his origin. It was the same one urging him to accept what he was being told, begging him to listen, clawing at him with plea to reach out and grab the hand that was trying to catch him.

It resembled the feeling of suspense before the fall, laced with anticipation and fear, stopping everything for a moment. Renji was stuck in place, not sure when he stepped in the center of the void in his chest.

He wanted to run away from it; wanted to cradle in its arms and stay there for centuries.

Two sides were awake inside of him.

The one who still hurt, that felt used and betrayed and the one that wanted to forgive, screaming and pulling from the start, growing stronger with every second in Byakuya's presence.

But it wasn’t screaming anymore. It wasn’t pulling and growling and sending pricks of shame through him at every other thought. It was just quiet, and grieving. He tried to push it back, to stop the embarrassing tears, but he couldn’t do it. He wasn’t even able to reach out anymore. Because there was nowhere to reach out to- those tears were his own, they came from _him_.

He didn’t know what to do.

For the second time since waking up in the Kuchiki mansion -his first human home, the one he gave his heart to- Renji cried.

The body underneath him jerked, sprinting into action in a fit of worry to do something -speak, hold, comfort- _anything_ that could help him.

But Renji didn't let it, actually having the strength to counter Byakuya's. He hugged his neck and rested his cheek against the side of the noble's head, fingers tightly grabbing soft, jet-black hair.

And he sobbed.

The tears broke free, his quivering voice echoing off the stone walls of the room. They were cries of heart break, of sorrow that nested inside a fragile soul for centuries. He felt like a child again- overtaken with so much emotion that his small body wasn't able to contain it, going through periods where the mere thought of smiling was far from where his small arms could reach.

As the tears came, so did the fragments of knowledge from the back of his mind.

For a moment he couldn’t remember who or where or when he was.

He couldn’t even tell whose body he was holding. 

His anchor -his beloved special mark- was not able to help him this time. The desperate call and emotion belonged to a different Byakuya. It belonged to the man who made it all possible for him, someone who put an end to the sad existence he was doomed with until he found the strength within himself to just breach through.

His salvation.

But this wasn't the same person in his arms. Those memories and tugs in his chest were fooling him, _that_ Byakuya was long gone. _This one_ was not a light in the end of the tunnel; wasn't a prize to be earned with lifetimes of passive waiting and dormant wishing. He did not belong to any lifetime before this one. _This_ Byakuya belonged to Renji Abarai, and Renji Abarai alone.

_Why the fuck was it so hard to just tell that to himself?_

The old Byakuya was gone, he was just a fleeting fragment. Grief struck Renji once more, an old wound opened up, the skin tearing anew, bleeding, hurting, burning and unrelenting, at the loss he felt. It always happened to him- every time he remembered; the old pain reminded him how much he missed him.

The thought of that man kept scorching itself into his mind. He tried to tell him to go away, tried to erase it, but it kept persistently sticking to his mind. And then a blink, salty tears following a fresh trail, and it was gone again. He didn’t see that face anymore, and the only one he could think of was the person in his arms, as clear as day. 

"Renji-" There was an unusual panic in that beautiful voice.

His chest heaved.

 _That's right, that’s his name. He was Renji now. No 'it', no 'beast', no nothing. Just Renji._ The part of him that belonged to the past was gone, his true name long lost.

The raven's hand ran along his back soothingly.

Another shameless cry tore through him. His mind was racing, throwing so many thoughts that contradicted each other in such speed that he wasn't able to keep up. He tried to breathe and focus on what he knew. He reminded himself what year it was, thought of his home, his friends, his age, his job and his pet rat. He kept focusing on those, going over them in his head while the sobs kept coursing through him.

Everything was still there, as bright as the sun, but there were other things as well, things that made his body tighten in fear. Renji could see himself walking in a world of endless darkness, every ache he had now felt like a true injury, every heave made his abs tighten shooting him back to think of hunger pangs taking away every smile he ever put on his face. He remembered very clearly how he used to cover his ears in the silence, just so he could sleep, how closing his eyes helped him calm down and replace the terrifying darkness with one he created himself, even though he couldn’t see what was in front of him most of the time.

His fist tightened in Byakuya's hair.

Renji's back ached, shoulders hunched in despair. He was withering away, too weak to even hold his head up; crushed under the weight of his own horns. He stopped counting how long he lived. The days and nights started mixing into one another. _How long was he sitting in this damned room?_ Renji had no purpose then, not even stars to guide him as he kept walking forward, leaving a trail of black tar seeping from his rotting wounds behind.

Cold sweat broke on Renji's skin at the memory. He kept holding Byakuya as that hand kept soothing him. Slow comforting circles. Calm deep breathes. It was becoming easier, Renji thought, he was slowly starting to feel himself coming back.

Just as he thought he could stop, Byakuya breathed out a little too hard. The warm breath met his skin, bringing back the memory of the first time he felt the warmth of a human breath on him- holding a different cowered in his hands, trying to sooth _him_ instead.

Anger rose in him, pushing the thought back.

His grip tightened again, this time earning a hiss. He let go quickly, panic replacing anger in less than a second. Another wave washed over him, dragging out more sobs- louder, more violent. His shaking fingers stroke Byakuya's hair where they yanked, trying to desperately make it up for hurting him, even though the man himself was trying to assure him it's okay, while still trying to escape the embrace and look at him.

Shame tugged at Renji for pulling Byakuya's hair so suddenly. It was like he couldn't control his movements anymore. He was hurting him clearly, but he didn’t want to, not anymore. _Maybe he should let him bring the leather straps back, let himself be restrained again._ Renji felt sick, wanting for Byakuya to take him back to their room and let him rest in their bed until it passed.

_Focus! this isn’t right-_

_Focus-_

_It's not him._

_It is-_

_It's not._

_Enough,_

_ENOUGH!_

His heart thrummed violently in his chest.

_Why was he panicking? What was wrong with him?_

"Renji, listen to me, you are okay. Calm down. Talk to me. Say something." Cool velvety baritone carried itself to his ears. _Their voice was different. It wasn’t the same person. It couldn’t be._ Relief washed over him, but then that terrible sadness came back and overstepped it. Those two emotions went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, sending his entire body into a frantic state.

Renji tried digging inside, to figure out why he was acting this way, why all of a sudden he was getting confused like that. But he couldn’t make out any of it, all that flashed were just strange blurry images he couldn't figure out. One moment he was carried in warm arms, happier than ever, the next he was beaten senseless for crying, then slapped once more by someone else, he was shaking a kind hand, eating a good meal near a fire, then thrown through the front door in nothing but a thin dress.

They all flashed, mixing, overlapping, taking away his sense of self, but he couldn’t catch up to any of them, couldn’t linger not on the good and not on the bad. His eyes landed on the candle in front of him, unbearably bright. He remembered putting it there.

_He didn’t._

_He hadn’t seen this fucking candle before waking up._

Renji was sure he was going to scream in frustration -It was worse, he wanted to _roar_ -, so hard that the glass windows in the hall outside the room shattered. All seven of them, build in a neat row, looking out at the line of trees beyond the garden.

He shivered, suddenly seeing himself standing in the dark hallway, looking out at the sky, pressing a talon to the glass. A warm hand caressed his back, following the line of his shuddering spine. His body moved on its own, mimicking the movement. He could feel the softness of skin against the tips of his own fingers, no talons, no broken knuckles, just his familiar own blunt fingernails and long digits.

He knew his own fingers too well to mistake them for someone else's.

Renji was suddenly aware of his own skin, mostly free from any barrier of clothing, pressed too closely to Byakuya's to ignore. He stopped his movement, bringing his hand back to touch the silky black hair atop Byakuya's head. The roots were damp with sweat, the length sticking to his own sweaty palms. That’s right. He wanted to bury his hands in this beautiful hair ever since Byakuya's skin touched his own. He finally could, after they had sex, after they got as close as physically possible. That’s why he was hurting, it was just too rough, that’s why. Nothing else.

He breathed in through his nose, the faint smell of sweat and cologne blocking away the suffocating smoke of the burning candle wax. It was Byakuya's smell. Pleasant and calming, human and real. And Renji was sitting in his lap, secure and protected.

His head began to clear once more, the sudden violent cry battled by his teeth as he was biting his lip shut. He was seeing fragments of his own memory, finally out, after this step of that stupid ceremony. It was the only explanation he could find to the terrible things that kept flooding his mind. The redhead wished it was only that, but the images kept pulling more and more out of him.

He released his lip, tasting blood as another weep came from deep within him. He couldn’t stop. That agony he was feeling flooded out with the intensity of a dozen lifetimes.

It was bad enough at the start, when Byakuya told him the tale. The old knowledge that was asleep in his heart slowly began to wake, but it was just a baby step. Renji believed Byakuya, he knew what he was and what they meant to each other, feeling himself a fool for even doubting it in the first place. He began liking the raven, he really did, but not with this intensity, not without knowing everything.

Renji untangled his hand from Byakuya's hair, gently gliding it across the man's shoulder until he felt the limb move, leaving his waist and coming back to meet his own. They intwined their fingers, bruised palm pressed tightly to a pristine pale one. With each shuddering breath, Renji's hold tightened, but Byakuya did not flinch, he pressed just as hard.

Secure.

Grounding.

A friend.

Byakuya claimed to love him, whispering the words against his skin in earnest, and a part of Renji wanted to tell him he loved him too. He certainly felt this way, it was intense and persistent, and there since the moment Byakuya uncovered the truth of his marks. The redhead made a mistake, he wasn’t starting to like him, he was only remembering why he fell for him in the beginning. 

Though a strange persistent pang kept hitting his chest. He knew he wanted to go home and put it all behind him, knew that Byakuya would keep his word and let him go. But what if he never comes to see him again? He will just use him to gain his profit and throw him out with this endless rot within himself.

Renji bit his lip again to keep the violent tremble in his jaw from letting him utter another humiliating sound. After all of this, after the way his chest tightened and heart began beating in his presence, Byakuya was going to become a stranger once more.

The gentle hand kept running on his skin under thick, black velvet. "Talk to me." There was a tremble in Byakuya's voice, hidden under the strong restraint he had. But Renji already knew how to tell he wasn’t shutting him out, all of Byakuya's fancy ass talk was gone. He kept it simple, close. "Tell me what's wrong."

He wished he knew the answer to that.

Renji was taken against his will, treated like a clueless inconvenience that was supposed to just accept his fate with no questions asked. All of this because of some stupid part of his soul that kept ruining his life. He should be allowed to be bitter, should let anger roam free and take it all out on the person who brought him here.

But if he wasn’t brought here tonight, would that have made any difference? For a long time before today, Renji knew there was something wrong with him. He didn’t know why, he wasn’t aware of anything before, slowly becoming an empty shell again with no way to fix himself. Could it be that even without Byakuya doing what he did, that Renji's past would have come back to haunt him anyway?

Byakuya told him that this ceremony was meant to awaken him, and it did. Even without fully remembering, so many things began to make sense. Some dark corners suddenly overflowed with light. _'We will both gain from it.'_ Was it even worth it?

A part of him was still angry, it still hated the mistakes Byakuya made with him, but… a part of him was grateful, because at least now he knew. The sobs kept tearing his body, rocking every muscle in violent pathetic shakes, burning and aching even under the soothing caresses and coos of the raven, who was at loss of how to make Renji stop, panic seeping out of him at the fragile display he never knew how to handle.

Renji kept gripping Byakuya tightly, not knowing which one of them was the one trembling harder. His palm burned, sanding a sting of pain up his arm. It was just like the moment he woke up and tried to fling himself off the alter, only to be pulled pack by the unforgiving hold of leather around his wrists. His gut twisted in disgust, because he could see how necessary it was.

"Tell me what is wrong." Byakuya was trying again.

Renji closed his eyes shut, trying to focus on where his logic ended and where madness began. He didn’t have the energy to keep fighting anymore. His shoulders sagged in defeat.

_He wanted to stay._

"I will take you home, Renji. It is over, no more. Calm down, no more."

_They had so little time together. It wasn’t fair._

"B-Byakuya," he uttered between endless shuddering sobs, breaking his silence at last. Renji's fingers tightened their hold on the man again, eyes burning under tightly shut eyelids as more tears threatened to wreck him.

 _Byakuya lied to him._ "I want to stay with you." _He used him._ "I don't want to go." _He hurt him, and he was going to let him leave and forget. Just like Renji thought he wanted…_

"Please make me stay." He begged, griping the body that curled around him tighter, their hands no longer clasped, broken apart somewhere between cries.

The way Byakuya stayed silent hurt like a slap. He knew it- deep down in his bones Byakuya Kuchiki was nothing but a coward. The cruel part of himself he showed Renji at the start was not indifference, it was no result of poor communication skills, or any of his horrible traits, it was just fear. It was easy to detect now. This man shoved this weak part of himself inwards to seem large and imposing.

Humans were just as rotten as demons sometimes, going as far as to destroy someone else than admit their weakness. Byakuya became a stone again, turning cold instead of just giving Renji what he wanted, and putting an end to his pain. There was nothing for Renji to do anymore, he has given everything he could. Now there was only Byakuya's final word, it was his decision whether to end the ceremony now or throw the redhead out of the door in fake kindness.

He couldn't remember what it was, why Byakuya was so scared of the end all of a sudden, but he let his mouth run without care, giving away his control at last. "Please, _please_ come find me." Renji begged again, letting the words that kept haunting him ever since he could remember, flow out of him at last.

Byakuya's stiff arms peeled him away. They were eye to eye. The redhead was still weeping, not able to stop himself no matter how much he tried. He kept blinking against the harsh light that kept growing stronger, dancing in his tear blurred vision. It took him a long moment to overcome everything, finally finding some strength to stop this pathetic display of human wreckage. 

Byakuya's eyes were red rimmed and dry, face filled with so much dread he looked like he was going to be sick. He kept scanning Renji's face, trying to find sense in everything. But then something else flashed across his eyes, and his lips pressed into a thin line. He seemed to be catching up to the change that was happening before him, focusing too intently even for himself. Byakuya brought his hands to Renji's cheeks, holding him in such a gentle way that it was easy to forget how rough those hands could be when he wanted to, how hard they tightened around him in that exact moment so long ago.

_Not the same hands, Renji. They are not the same._

"You should understand what you are saying, Renji." His voice was tight but not unkind, thumbs caressing Renji's tear stained cheeks. "I wish for nothing else but to be able to grant you this, but you must understand-"

"Enough with your bullshit already!" the redhead whined. "You called it a gift, you want this as much as I do, then why do you keep stalling?"

Those fingers stopped moving.

"I'll tell you why, Byakuya," he _tried_ to keep the venom out of his voice, _tried_ to hold the bitterness at bay, "it’s because you're nothing more than a liar."

The raven went deathly still beneath him.

Renji tried to think about everything that went down between them, everything about himself, everything about Byakuya too. He thought of the way his emotions slowly changed, how every moment seemed to bring a spark of a new knowledge or a new feeling from deep within him. All of it, was pulled out of him by Byakuya. Slowly, carefully, intentionally, up until now.

The raven was smart. He must have known every single thing that will happen because of him, and he was willing to keep pushing and pushing until there was no return. But Byakuya wasn’t evil. He tried to take his words back, promising that Renji could go home, letting him know that he won't have to give anything before he was ready. Slowly, and uncharacteristically clumsy, Byakuya tried to eat the cake and leave it whole.

There was no way for him to keep his hands clean, they were covered in blood the moment he decided to meet Renji. Even if he tried to stay cold and distant, and then surprisingly warm and honest, he was still nothing but a confused pawn of his own wishes.

What did he want from him? what did _Renji_ want?

"You're scared aren’t you?" the redhead asked numbly.

"You do not know?" It was a careful question. Strange, there was no accusation in his voice for being called a liar.

Renji tried digging deep within himself but he was met with a wall he couldn’t cross. He tried to reach for it, but somewhere deep within, a hand caught him, and pulled him back. He shook his head, jaw shuddering before he said, "I can't remember."

There was a long pause before Byakuya said, "do you wish for me to tell you?" Renji mentally shrugged off the hand that held him, this time nodding hesitantly. He didn’t like that tone, it froze him.

Pale hands left Renji's face and reached the hem of his collar, gently covering one of his exposed shoulders. "I am at loss of what to do," Byakuya admitted. That pale throat bobbed. "If you leave my side, you will go back to your own life and everything that happened here will be forgotten." Renji didn’t even have the time to open his mouth when Byakuya's hands tightened on his collar. "We are connected now- Break the bond and leave, and the memory fades." There was no reason to tell him that. The painful twist in his gut was indication enough that somewhere deep withing himself he already knew.

"The beast," Byakuya suddenly said, "will be gone and there would be only you. I cannot say how it will affect you but… things will change." If there was a small part of him that felt like it would be for the better, it was staying awfully quiet. The painful memories will be gone, but so will all the answers that helped him understand what was wrong. Things will change. But not for the better, because the beast was there his entire life. If that part is ripped, then what will be left of him? 

_A shell._ That's all he would be. He'll be alone again. No memory, no Byakuya, no nothing he got from the past hours. That pit of darkness will remine, a void waiting to be filled forever.

Renji almost wished to bite Byakuya's head off because he let him believe that it would be okay if he left. _He never mentioned anything that could harm him, he lied, he-_

"And if I choose to stay?"

Byakuya looked up, a hint of surprise crossing his features. But it wasn’t a good kind of surprise, it was somehow pained. Those slate grey eyes gave away every hint of dread they witnessed today every time the mention of Renji never seeing his home again left his lips. "You will never be able to leave this house- locked in the left wing until the two of us die. And since our bond is the blessing, long decades will pass before that happens."

Every heated look, every gentle kiss, every beautiful and hopeful word that left Byakuya's mouth up until now flooded Renji's mind. That was the real Byakuya. Why did he choose to use such ugly words? They were lies, Renji remembered a good life, Byakuya was kind he will never make him into a prisoner!

But he will make himself one if he stays and Byakuya knew it. The pain he'll have if he leaves will be the same one he'll have if he stays. Leaving everything behind, no Ichigo, no Rukia, no normal life. Not even a goodbye. This can't be. There has to be more to it.

_What the hell was he missing!_

Either leave and become a blind man walking, following a trail of hot coals without a safe place to rest, or stay locked in a cage for years, praised, cared for and adored- stuck in a golden treasure chest with thorns on the locks, hidden from the rest of the world among the Kuchiki's.

_It can't end like that, It can't! Something wasn’t right, something wasn't-_

He was the one who created the ceremony in the first place. Renji let that mental hand reach for him again, he let it embrace him, hold him tight. He created the ceremony for two souls, for him and his love to be happy, to be together. One. The same. They were meant to overcome the fear together. There was a way to eat the cake and leave it whole after all. But the cost- the cost would have to be humanity- Byakuya's humanity. It was what he feared of losing from the start. What the beast cursed upon his existence so long ago.

There were two arms embracing him now, keeping him rooted in place. The realization dawned- they were his own. No one kept him from reaching the wall, he just stubbornly refused. 

Renji's voice was steadier than before, no longer at the mercy of the cries that coursed through him. Even the tears stopped their persistent trickle, only few passing his lashes and following the lane of salt across his skin, wetting the pale arms that still kept hold on his collar. "I choose both." 

It was painful watching every emotion leave Byakuya's face in that moment. Renji swore he could see the cement flowing and hardening under his skin. There was no pretending that Byakuya missed what was happening, it would be stupid to even try. "It is more than a mere lifetime, Renji, think this through, you can still go."

He wanted to have a chance. 

Renji let that inner voice guide him, bringing peace to his slowly calming heart. He stopped crying, the pain was at bay, because the two parts of him understood- he really did want to have Byakuya in his life. They were not enemies; they were one and the same. 

"You said so yourself," he addressed the stony noble again, "I'm the sacrifice." Slate eyes began glowing as Byakuya's hands left his collar. Renji's entire frame sagged, the robe slipping off his shoulder again.

He thought about the gentle scrape of metal near his ear at the start of the blood ceremony, the one he couldn’t place since Byakuya didn’t let him see what made it. His mind was numb, too shaken to think how strange it was that Byakuya could cut his palm with something he never saw him grab or throw away. His mind chose to ignore it, to put it away and forget. The beast was protecting him from a fear his soul knew too many times.

Very quietly, as if not to startle either of them he said, "that knife was meant for me wasn't it." His own pulse jumped violently all of a sudden. 

The raven's velvety baritone lacked its usual quiet confidence when he finally spoke after all this time. "It is the last part of the original ceremony, the one you could skip if you wished, the one that would bind us together fully."

The point of no return.

"The actual sacrifice." Renji's voice was small.

"A new life," Byakuya said. The sorrow that wrapped his tone gripped at Renji's core. The implication sitting heavy between them.

"It's why you looked so guilty all along, isn't it?"

A lone silent tear ran down Kuchiki's stoic face. "I lied to you from the start. There is nothing beautiful about any of this. Nothing but cruelty, nothing but taking advantage of you and your magic." 

"-I fell in love with the idea of you, with the story that kept guiding my life's path through all those years with fool's adoration." The words came out of him with brutal honesty. "I thought that it would be easy- I find my soulmate, we fall in love and stand at the top of the family proud and honored. But I chose to ignore the rest, I chose to ignore all those who were taken against their will, chose to ignore the trauma and pain my family had caused under pretense of guidance." His voice was laced with so much self-hate that Renji's stomach dropped.

"You wanted my gift, and you didn’t care you'd have to spend all this time bound to me."

That voice he loved so much became tight and dry. "None of it is a gift, Renji. Nothing except you, not the beast, but you. I love you, Renji. With all of my shameful heart."

He managed a small smile. "Tell me that again when we fall in love."

Byakuya's eyes were frantic. Rejected. Hurt. 

"You don’t really know me," Renji began as calmly as he could, "and I don’t know you, but I wish I did. Something about me doesn’t want to let you go. No matter how much I deny it I can’t make it go away, I…" The words got stuck in his throat as his façade began to crack. "-I want to know you, Byakuya. I want to remember you and what happened here tonight. I want to see you and talk to you, I want be able to fall in love with _you_ , not… _this._ " He gestured his head weakly at the celling, hoping the raven would understand.

There was still terror in those burning eyes, a perfect reflection of the one that settled itself in his own gut. Byakuya wasn’t getting it. Renji brought his arms back around Byakuya's neck, eyes staring deeply into his. "My heart feels like it might explode with the mere thought of leaving you, idiot. And I just told you I want to remember you and meet you again," his thighs tightened on either side of Byakuya, not knowing how else to hug him without breaking eye contact, "but I can't just stay here for the rest of my life. I won’t."

The hands left his collar, coming to rest on his thighs instead. They caressed the decorated flesh in affection, in ask for forgiveness.

"I'm tired Byakuya. I feel like I might lose my mind if I keep going this way."

Renji might have reached a dead-end. If Byakuya refused, he would have to make another choice, as cruel as it was- he didn’t want to.

"If I take away your life now, once you come back it will be as if nothing ever happened, those memories will stay at bay non the less." Byakuya's voice took him out of his haze. "They will take time; they will form and harden and when they are ready they will burst, and everything comes down on you without mercy." There was that confident tone again. The assurance he needed all along.

"Then you'll be there to help. _And_ you'll take everything I fling at you like a man as payment for being an ass to me this entire night."

If only he wasn’t heaving and sniffling when he said that.

"You say that as if you would want me by your side once you forget everything again."

All of a sudden, his vision change- he was smaller now, weaker, somehow older and younger at the same time, and he was looking into the eyes of the person he loved most in this world, who loved him too just as hard. Again, Renji couldn’t remember who he was or when or where, but one thing was the same- the tightening of his chest as he said the words. Their meaning did not change, their truth was still as absolute. "Finding you would be finding a piece of myself, knowingly or not."

He had no doubt in that. They were one and the same, two sides of the same coin flipped by fate.

Renji brought his lips to Byakuya's forehead. His mouth barely managed to touch the sweat damp hair and skin before he felt the raven lift his face up to catch his lips in one last kiss of goodbye. It lacked any passion or lust, but it was pleasant. There was just their need to taste each other, no tongues, no teeth or heavy pants, only this innocent need to find an anchor.

The tears threatened to drown him again, but he fought them back, choosing to focus on the tightening of the hands on his thigh and waist. "Come find me after this," he said against the raven's lips. "Promise me."

He pulled back just enough to look in Byakuya's eyes, taking in the beautiful face of the man who's features returned to their stony self, wearing an armor of indifference. No matter how uncaring he seemed Renji knew his inner turmoil was torturing him.

For a moment he thought Byakuya wasn't going to answer him but then he felt the tightening of fingers on his skin. They were desperate and hidden just like when he confessed his feelings for the first time- fisted tightly in the fabric of his robe. This was everything Renji needed to know.

"I trust you." He hoped his voice was steady enough as his body shook, ready to bolt at any given second. Renji urged himself to stay still even as Byakuya's hand reached back and a rustle of garment could be heard.

They faced each other once more, the silence heavy between them, but their eyes said everything there was to say.

Burning and stormy eyes locked with his own. Renji could read them perfectly despite the mask Byakuya wore on his face. _I know you're sorry._

Renji pulled back, giving him room.

_Goodbye, Byakuya._

_Until we meet again._

The sharp pain of the knife in his throat split his mind in an instance. His fingers clawed the back of Byakuya's neck, nails digging in the thin flesh. It spread like a bolt through every inch of his person, pealing back his skin with its sharp ruthless claws. His mouth opened, perhaps to scream or perhaps to breathe it was unknown, he no longer had any control of it. 

Blood bubbled in his throat, staining his lips and chin as his wet shallow heaves pushed it out. He desperately choked, body jerking in shock when an even sharper pain tore through him again and a sea of red flowed out of him.

His mind couldn’t focus, His ears rang, His limbs no longer supported him.

The feeling of falling into nothing overtook him, staining his vision with black spots until he no longer saw anything.

The darkness swallowed him.

Renji was gone.

Byakuya silently sat there as he watched Renji die.

Body made of stone; the dark-haired noble was not able to do anything but stare coldly at the horrendous sight of someone's life slipping away from them in such a brutal way. He detached himself as much as he could, letting his hand work as quickly and efficiently as possible for it to just end.

He stabbed him… _Hard_. Hard enough to pierce steely skin without any difficulty.

Those eyes stared at him, seeing his lack of empathy and cold heartedness, but still, they didn’t judge him. They accepted him, waiting for him to do the unspeakable, even though there was no warm-hearted welcome in them. There was just sadness and fear and the hint of anticipation.

Byakuya felt sick of thinking which of those emotions belonged to Renji and which belonged to ancient memories poisoning his mind.

When he was younger, dumber, he brushed this part of the tale to the back of his mind. The beast belonged to their family, belonged to _him_ , so why would it not gladly let its own life end by his hand? It was easier for him- pretending that this part was a mere technicality, so he preferred to focus on everything else besides it. Even when he did study the end of the ceremony -the part of death and rebirth- he always imagined it as something serene and quiet. Just a cut. Just slow trail of red and that is all.

It was none of those things.

The crunch and the tear and the wet gurgling sounds Renji made as he desperately tried to breath and hold on, rang in his ears even after they were gone. His blood on Byakuya's body was too warm and too real, its warmth was as painful as a blow, wetting and staining them both as the noble did nothing but sit there holding a cold knife with a steady hand. 

A few long minutes had passed since the redhead's body crumbled limply in his arms, but he still hadn't managed to bring himself to push the other away. Just in case he was _somehow_ still there… If there was even the slightest chance there was consciousness in his body, Byakuya kept holding it, fearing of letting Renji die alone.

But there was no movement, no sound, no indication of his childish thinking that the redhead could feel his arms tightly wrapped around him- holding him close.

Byakuya jumped as one of Renji's arms slid off his shoulder and dropped, brushing his naked skin with unnatural stiffness. It felt so wrong. No one should ever feel it in their lifetime.

No one but him.

He deserved it.

He dropped the knife, slowly touching the bruised hand dangling at Renji's side. It was like touching a china doll. It was a palm and fingers, human and real, but they held nothing in them. A silent mimic of what they were molded after. His hand kept feeling the stiff limb inch by inch, pressing and pressing, but he couldn’t find anything. Byakuya kept staring forward, eyes practically blind as he fought the panic down with a shuddering breath. His throat closed, pushing down the howl that wished to breach through.

Metallic stench filled the room in its thick, menacing presence- a smell Byakuya will never be able to forget. It drowned the redhead's scent, overpowering everything around them.

The noble closed his eyes, breathing through his mouth in an attempt to calm himself again and focus. He kicked away the wave of self-pity, remembering the task ahead. There was no reason for him to still be sitting there holding Renji's dead body, when he knew that every moment he spends doing so was risking the chance of being able to bring him back.

Byakuya moved stiffly, cradling Renji's head as gently as he could, while he maneuvered them both. The movements were slow and careful, agonizingly shameful as he kept holding Renji in his arms. The large body felt heavier than ever before as he lay the younger man down on his back.

He pressed their foreheads together momentarily, eyes closed shut in fear of seeing Renji's face up close. When he sat back, he dared to look at what he had done.

_Move._

The heavy flow of the blood was reduced to a slow trickle, staining the stone alter as the redhead just lay there with his brown eyes glazed and staring. They returned to their natural color, a beautiful warm brown despite the glassy cover of death, reflecting the light of the candles in the stifling, soundless room.

Byakuya was afraid of it, dreading the moment Renji would catch up to everything that was going on. _'You should change the name. -The name of this particular part, I mean. 'Sacrifice' sounds terrifying.'_

He nearly dropped off his feet when he heard Renji say it, but it was nothing compared to now, when he actually lay there. The noble promised him that nothing bad will happen, he made Renji lay back, then and now. There was no difference.

_Move._

Even through Renji's understanding, every muscle screamed of his terror. How did he find the strength to ask for something like that? Byakuya prided himself with the fact that he managed to calm him before the blood ceremony, knowing that Renji had enough trust in him to listen. But now, the redhead had to find that courage within himself, relaying on the part of his own soul that began to wake and push him in that direction.

Maybe instead of feeling pricks of bitterness, Byakuya should feel grateful that Renji had something he could trust. He wondered if in those final moments of every incarnation of that soul, this ancient part pushed in the same direction, providing a guiding hand to those who chose to complete the ceremony, maybe even giving comfort to those who were left with no choice.

Some of them said 'no', they _could_ , why didn’t Renji say 'no'?

Byakuya opened and closed his mouth, not knowing if he wanted to scream or cry or beg for forgiveness in the moment he had left- his last moment alone with Renji.

There was no time. 

The redhead could not hear him anyway.

_Move._

He thought of his own stupidity and cowardliness at the time he had to be the stronger of the two, being the one who knew how to sooth Renji, being the one who pretended to be in control. Byakuya was able to keep it up despite the screams and whines and cussing. He even kept his act through the fear and confusion that hurt the redhead in unspeakable ways. He should have taken a step back and seen how his stoniness was there when it wasn’t needed. Instead, Byakuya only realized it now- after he made his mistakes and turned into scattered dust when Renji needed something to lean on. 

He believed he was doing the right thing, he _thought_ he could stay just as strong as he was at the start… that is until Renji began crying. It made Byakuya's control snap. Instead of pushing through the hard moments- he faltered, no longer able to keep the lie he clumsily orchestrated.

His parents raised an idiot.

_Move._

All promises of calm and protection, all lies and empty words, _swearing_ that he will not harm Renji in _any way_ , were reduced to nothing.

Even when Renji knew what he was going to do to him he still gave Byakuya a chance to show his heart. Instead of just saying he loved him, instead of pretending to be strong and noble he should have just promised him he will come and find him again to make this right.

Tearful, burning yellow eyes looked at Byakuya, begging him to say something, but he kept shut. 

Renji's eyes glowed this way for a while.

Their faint light began shining the moment he let himself go, unraveling under Byakuya's doings. When the raven removed his mouth from Renji, brushing his lips against the delicate skin of his thigh, he could feel the lack of reaction from the other. So, he looked up to see the silent figure sitting atop the alter, and his heart skipped a beat.

Renji was so _beautiful_.

His body was long and sculpted, the glistening skin adored with swirling and twining lines of bold ink, was dusted with a few marks left by Byakuya's mouth. His hair was loose and wild, draped around him like a red curtain and the shorter locks framing his face, danced like molten iron in the dim amber light. Abarai's handsome face was frozen, lips slightly parted and high cheeks tainted with blush as he breathed serenely, tuning out everything around him.

Byakuya actually gulped when he looked at him. The redhead's taste in his mouth lingered, daring him to put his mouth on him again and hear all the sweet sounds he was capable of making. He let his eyes roam the younger man, taking in every detail of him. Everything he saw made his heart pound harder and faster in his chest.

He was finally able to look properly, wishing he could lean in and bring their mouths together. Byakuya tried to catch Renji's eye, to see if maybe it was okay to do so when he noticed the eyes. They were locked on the celling, almost expressionless in their cold silence, and glowing. It was a faint yellow, so different from the warm brown he found himself drawn to- the eyes of a beast. He kept calling Renji's name then, blood getting colder and colder as he was completely ignored, before the redhead turned to him at last.

Their light only grew stronger from there on, turning into a branding iron.

A perfect match to the cracks that appeared on Renji's skin when the candlelight burned him from within during the blood ceremony.

Those irises sent a stab of guilt through Byakuya at every second he and Renji were tangled in each other. But he pushed it aside, choosing to see Renji and Renji alone, even though he knew that something else shared their moments- something he forced out.

No matter how otherworldly they were, Byakuya couldn’t help but find them out-of-place. Nothing could compare to Renji's brown, mesmerizing in its simplicity.

Those same warm brown eyes were nothing more than a lifeless glazed and milky mockery now.

All because of him.

Byakuya brought his hand to Renji's face and closed them.

Still easy.

Still warm.

_MOVE._

The raven's body sprinted into action. He finally moved and got off the alter to start preparing everything. Bare feet skidded across a floor decorated with the holy markings he did not dare step on while wearing shoes, his stiff limbs were forced into action, fingers shaking impossibly as he touched Renji's body in order to set it right. He lay him at the center of the alter, arranging his limbs and robe to cover his nakedness from the eyes of the rest. Byakuya tied the robe loosely, trying his best to make it seem neat while fighting the bile that rose in his throat at the smell.

He avoided looking at the wound in the other's throat, the one he caused, the one that will be nothing more than a memory in a few hours' time.

Byakuya reached for his discarded robe. The movement was so fast that a burning ache shot from his nape like electricity. It was where Renji gripped him in his moment of panic and pain- an appropriate reminder to keep moving fast. He grabbed the robe, shoving the knife that was used to cut the redhead's wrist and windpipe into the pocket. As he turned, he saw a gleam from the corner of his eye. It was the small vile of lube he dropped on the floor in their frantic love making.

No.

In their fucking.

He will not give it a beautiful name until he sees the redhead alive and well again.

Byakuya grabbed it as well, hiding the thing in the heap of fabric. He tossed everything in the compartment under the alter, before getting a wet cloth from the small table above Renji's head. He used it to gently clean the younger man's face, giving it the slightest semblance of serene sleep.

Byakuya tossed it under the stone as well, eyes seeing only the task in front of him and nothing else. He fumbled some more, fingers finding the fresh white ceremonial robe he was meant to wear and draped it over himself as fast as he could, covering his own bare skin and all the things that adored it. The fabric hid his own seed and Renji's, along with the blood that started to dry in some places. Byakuya was covered with the accusing reminders of his actions, stretching from his chest to his loins, staining the pristine white he wore.

He couldn’t care less about it now, and no one in his family would dare address it.

He looked at Renji's hands. They were bruised and pale, the bandage on his left palm completely soiled. The knife wound must have opened up with how little regard the redhead gave it in his moments of heat... Byakuya's eyes then noted the blood caked at the tips of Renji's fingers. 

His own blood.

From where blunt fingernails managed to pierce skin with inhuman strength.

He hoped they left scars behind. 

The raven touched the pale hand, brushing the tips of Renji's fingers with his own, only to be shocked at how fast they cooled down.

_Move._

Byakuya's legs carried him to the end on the room, to stand where he was orchestrated. The location was perfectly drilled into his mind from the many times he had to go through the technicalities of the ceremony throughout his adulthood. He passed the candle of life, its flame no longer there. Even though his back was turned to it the entire time, Byakuya knew it went out the moment Renji took his last breath, the same way it lit itself when the redhead opened his eyes in this room for the first time that evening. Kuchiki gave a prayer in perfect Latin, using his own words in silent plea for the candle to be able to light up again despite his stalling.

He reached the far wall of the room, grabbing the rope that hung from the ceiling and yanked it five times, letting each tug absorb all his guilt and anger.

Byakuya couldn't hear the ring of bells in this room, but the rest of the castle could. They waited for them to ring, most likely cheering the head of the clan in their hearts as they made their way towards the temple.

In his last moments of solitude, he took in a last steadying breath before schooling his features into stone once more. His heartbeat calmed and his breathing evened out, limbs becoming numb with the loss of adrenaline that kept him moving against time.

Just as Byakuya lifted the white hood over his head, the heavy door opened. The silent gasps and prayers of his chosen family members echoed around him as they took their place in the room. Instead of nodding or greeting he just stood there with his back impossibly straight, ignoring them all as they congratulated him in their passing.

Byakuya ignored everything except Renji.

The young man looked almost like he did the first moment Byakuya stepped into the temple earlier that night- serene and asleep, basked in the warm light with his fate in the hands of strangers. Renji would have hated that.

Byakuya felt a hand tightening around his arm with enough force to leave a bruise if not for the blessing's protection. He did not turn his eyes to the person, not wanting to take them off Renji. That hold was too familiar anyway, and Byakuya knew it was one of his cousins before he even spoke. "Just a moment longer, Kuya, that is all." The whisper was tight and fast, as he forcefully shoved something in Byakuya's palm and maneuvered his hand into the robe pocket.

The grip loosened and the man retreated to take his place amidst the others, when Kuchiki Ginrei stepped in front of his grandson. The former clan leader blocked the sight of the body atop the alter. His wrinkled hand came to rest on Byakuya's stiff shoulder providing a comforting weight, the muscles shuddered due to age as he tightened his grip with concealed worry. Byakuya's own mouth filled with the taste of blood, the teeth tearing through the abused inner part of his lip at last.

The Kuchiki heir faced his grandfather. His features held no hint of any fear or sadness or regret, forever being the perfect image of pride and confidence. Exactly like he should be. He knew the old man searched for them, no doubt in it being out of need for comfort and not scolding, but he will not find any. The crown was back on the raven's head, and it left no room for weakness.

Now everything was up to him and his family. They were going to do their share again and bring Renji back using his connection with Byakuya. It was a risk, completely depended on time and his own will, but there was no doubt in his heart that they could do it. let him do some good, let his family work their own magic and give Renji his life back.

Byakuya's fist tightened in his robe pocked, squeezing the soft fabric his cousin hid from all the others. The man knew it might come to use and made sure Byakuya saw him take it as the redhead's things were being put away. The other two covered for him, blocking unwelcome eyes from catching the criminal in the act.

Words could not describe how grateful he was.

With Renji's black bandana in his hand, Byakuya acknowledged the old man in front of him at last. The arm left his shoulder, and Ginrei stepped back, giving him room. The raven extended his hand with his palm turned upwards. It was the same hand he held the knife with, dirty and covered in dry blood. He looked at the pale skin, focusing hard on the image of that crimson candle that stood cold and waiting.

He imagined the small flame coming to life again, igniting it with his will. But nothing happened. Not even a rustle of the four other small flames. Byakuya kept focusing. He prayed in his heart and squeezed the black piece of fabric in his fist until pain shut up his arm. He almost let it distract him from the frost that began at the tips of his fingers.

It was barely there, but he knew it was real. It wasn’t his cold though; those fingers he touched turned into his own without him realizing. This feeling was Renji's. The flame grew stronger in his mind, sucking all the light in the room as four flames went out and another was lit once more. 

In the weak dimness, the Kuchiki heir tuned out the faint murmurs of the people, his eyes staring at his own limb with a hidden gleam of hope. He felt the heat then, coming down his arm with a pinching presence. The white sleeve slid down, exposing his wrist as his arm shook slightly. Silver light began coursing through his veins, spreading to the delicate blood vessels in his upturned palm.

Byakuya's fingers gave the slightest twitch. It wasn’t his. Every fiber in his body wished to scream with joy, knowing that this small movement belonged to someone he could not see at the moment. They became warmer and warmer, a terrifying reminder of the burn he felt as he held Renji's face in his hands.

He kept standing there stony faced and soundless, pushing through the rapidly growing discomfort. He will not move; he will take that pain and own it. The fire gathered in the center of his palm; its brand turned into a line. It glowed, tearing the skin neatly in the middle.

A straight cut took shape on his right hand, glowing in silver, before blood began seeping out of the wound.

Byakuya lifted his stinging eyes to his grandfather and nodded his assurance, swallowing the taste of rust that filled his mouth again. "Let us begin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned, this chapted does contain gore and mantions of things such as blood and physical harm. It also contains a mention of death and post-death.   
> I changed the tags of the story to include body horror and mild gore as well. Sorry for it not being there from the start!   
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> I hope you enjoy this chapter and have enjoyed the story so far!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delayed update, life got a little in the way.

Renji cracked his eyes open. Through the thick cover of scattering unconsciousness he could hardly even blink properly, let alone sit up. Everything hurt. His limbs were nearly paralyzed, head throbbing and throat burning with the need for water. With great effort, he lifted himself off the old mattress and familiar faded-blue bed sheet to reach across the bed in search of a lifeline. He had no idea what he was aiming to find, but he was still disappointed when he came out empty.

Groaning through the burn, he flopped on his belly and then rolled slowly onto his back, eyes fixing on his cracked celling until everything became clearer.

His eyelids threatened to glue together again but he fought it as much as he could, following the line of peeling webs his small apartment was known for. The cracks seemed to stretch and move the longer he stared at them, but he lived here for too long to fall for his mind's tricks. The cracks were harmless, they were simply too creepy in the dimness of early morning. _Or noon… or after noon… what time was it anyway?_

Renji turned on his side -head spinning and stomach churning- and ignored the hit of pain and nausea that zapped him from head to toe. A faint glare greeted him through the slits in his shutters- bright and taunting daylight. A terrible foe to a man in his stage. He swallowed and winced at the taste and thick consistency of his own saliva. Each bob of his dry throat felt more like forcing rocks down than anything else. 

The aching redhead closed his eyes and very carefully nuzzled his cheek into his worn-out pillow, when a terrible screech rose from hell and landed right in his poor ears. Through the pressure in his head, he managed to smack the phone on his dresser and hit the speaker button with impressive speed. For a zombie.

Renji didn’t even bother opening his eyes when he groaned a greeting and let his arm limply dangle off the bed. 

_'… You okay, Gingy?_ ' Ichigo's concerned voice filled the small one-room apartment.

The wheels in his head took too long to turn before he managed to answer, so Ichigo's voice came again. _'Renji, are you there? Is everything all right?'_

"I'm here." He managed to croak weakly, this time wincing at the sharp pain that split his head. The background noises and buzzes coming from the other man's side were only making things worse. _Too loud_. Why in God's name was Ichigo being so damn loud? It wasn’t time for that yet.

 _'You sound terrible.'_ The orange haired disturbance provided unhelpfully.

"I feel terrible too. Why are you calling so early?" Renji inquired with a tone he hoped lacked any annoyance.

 _'It's noon, actually. Nobody heard from you since last night, so I called to check up on you. I was getting kinda worried that something might be wrong.'_ Concerned as always. Bless his heart.

"I think I'm fine," he said as he sat up. Bad idea, terrible actually, everything hurt too much to move. "I guess I just slept for too long again. Sorry for making you worry." The blanket slid off his bare skin, dragging uncomfortably against the layer of cold sweat covering his body.

_'That's good to hear. Anyway, I also called to ask which one you prefer- beef or corn?'_

_Oh no._

Renji's brain was a terrible thing. It took too long to commit to a simple conversation, but like the bitch it was -too quick to catch up to everything at the worst times- it figured that his friend was talking about food. The noise coming from Ichigo's side was probably a restaurant of some sorts…

A restaurant most likely filled with bubbling stews and grease and the smell of fried food.

Shit.

"Wait I-"

Ichigo's voice rose above the noise. _'I'm getting the usual things too. Which one are you picking? I'm already standing in line.'_

Images of brown sauce staining everything flashed through Renji's dysfunctional mind. His stomach twisted at the thought. "Just a sec-"

 _'Can't hear through the mumbling. So which one?'_ Kurosaki ignored the groan coming from the redhead- completely oblivious. _'The corn one has those cooked chicken bits you like-'_

Renji lunged to the floor at the speed of light, grabbing the plastic bucket at the foot of his bed, and hurled the entirety of his stomach's contents, cutting Ichigo off. He managed a small- 'both', before throwing up again at the thought of the smell and taste of floating meat in a yellow swamp.

_'Jesus. How much did you drink last night?'_

_A lot apparently_. Renji sat back on his ass and leaned against the bed. He hugged the bucket tighter and closed his eyes again as his head began to spin. "Not too much, I'm just getting old." Knowing Ichigo, it was painfully rhetorical, but he answered anyway. Speaking of which, "Thanks for the bucket by the way." If anyone was smart enough to leave it- it was him.

 _'No worries.'_ Renji knew it- that little shit was aware of everything. _'Thank me for undressing you, that was the real challenge.'_ He sighed _. 'I'll be at your place in forty, Beer-Breath, go shower.'_ And with that he ended the call, leaving Renji with a throbbing head and a bucket of puke in his arms.

Abarai kept sitting on the floor for a little longer -he even dozed off for a few seconds- before getting up and trudging in nothing but his boxers to the shower.

The warm water helped him clear his head a little, and his stomach felt much better after he emptied it once more on his way under the stream. After thoroughly cleaning himself and chugging an entire bottle of water he got dressed and began checking his apartment for damages. Things weren’t too bad it seemed, just a little junk here and there, nothing a large trash bag couldn’t fix. His friends were really organized this time- finally having some shame to clean after themselves instead of just coming to hang out at his house till the middle of the night, leaving heaps of trash behind. 

The cleaning helped him overcome the hangover quite well. It was actually nearly gone, when the sound of keys rustling announced Ichigo's arrival. The orange haired man stepped inside carrying delicious smelling takeout bags. "I got three of each," he said in a way of greeting, as Renji's freshly washed head popped from behind the couch. 

With a heap of food between them, the two fiery-haired man sat across from each other at the modest dining table Renji skillfully put together yesterday morning. Hence- the small gathering in the apartment.

The wooden creation was rooted in the middle of the kitchen, only half a foot away from the counters, leaving zero room between itself and the couch, and practically blocking the entrance to the apartment. When he placed it at first, Renji thought it was a pretty good idea- if it was close to everything he could find more reasons to use it like a 'real adult'. Best case scenario he'll get off the couch a little and stop leaving grease stains on it, and worse case, he'll just move a few things around and redecorate. 

He would most likely have to at some point. 

Renji was chewing on a mouthful of slippery noodles, mind zigzagging between their conversation and figuring out what he could rearrange so that Ichigo's arm could stop bumping into the fridge door every time he moved too much, when the orange-haired man cleared his throat and gave him a pointed look.

Renji reached out to grab another container of corn soup, fully landing back into their exchange. "I still don't get what you want me to say."

Ichigo huffed through his nose. "When you see Grim at work," he began, sounding slightly annoyed, "just casually throw in something along the lines of- 'oh wow, Ichigo is so great for agreeing to a big wedding. Who would have thought that someone that reserved would do something like that! Must be hard on him' or some shit, I don’t know."

"I thought you were fine with a big party-"

"A big party _yes_ ," the man forcefully shoved his chopsticks into his food while bumping against the fridge, "but you need to see the look he gets when we talk about the wedding at home. It's pure evil. He's planning something I'm telling you." 

Renji just slurped his food. "Well you should have seen it coming the moment you said yes to the spawn of Satan."

"Oi."

He shrugged halfheartedly. "Just ask your dad to threaten him a little or something."

"Seriously? You do realize that man is pure evil too, right? They're both gonna make me walk down the aisle to the sounds of 'Baby Got Back' and I can't let that happen." His tone was getting louder the more he got into it.

Renji almost let a smile slip, but he scolded his features into the most serious expression he could manage. "That won't happen on my watch, don’t worry." Damn, that could have been an amazing thing to watch.

"Really?"

"Sure. I'm the best 'best man' there is, I got you." Renji kept shoving food in his mouth, enjoying every greasy thing Ichigo picked out.

He swore he saw ten years of the guy's lifespan coming back to him as he got back to pick at his food peacefully.

Was that it?

Not that there was anything wrong with Ichigo coming by so suddenly, but they could have spoken about it over the phone. Just like every time he came over to discuss some 'important' matter. He was a smart person, but a terrible actor. Instead of spending his day off with his new fiancée he was here. Making sure Renji was fine. _Again_.

Between slurps Renji carefully asked him, "is that secrete mission the reason Rukia isn't here?" 

"No." Ichigo answered a little too quickly. "She's with her sister at the hospital today."

Renji nodded. "Strange that we didn't get any pictures yet-" Just as he finished uttering the words, both of their phones began buzzing with an endless stream of incoming messages. They both reached for their devices at the same time. Fourteen new group chat messages, all of them sent from Rukia. Ultrasounds. Okay, so maybe his suspicion _was_ unnecessary. 

He hoped to lighten the mood a little. "They should name the baby Renji." 

"You need to earn the right to have someone's kid named after you."

"It's a great name!," He shot at Ichigo between bites, "and besides, Hisana would be grateful, her kid might turn out as handsome as me if she does."

Ichigo didn’t even hide his eyeroll. "Speaking of handsome, aren’t you supposed to have one foot in the grave after last night? Why do you look so good?"

Renji was slightly taken aback by the comment. "I guess it passed," he answered lamely. The things a shower and food could do for you were honestly amazing, they practically kicked away all remains of the train wrack Ichigo expected to meet, when coming here.

The redhead leaned back in his seat and rested his damp hair on the back of the couch, meal left forgotten for now. _Concerned as always…_

Two honey-colored eyes narrowed at him.

"What?"

"Nothing." 

His eye twitched slightly. "What's with that attitude all of a sudden?" Renji _wasn't_ lying. He was back to himself- no hint of the terrible state he was in a mere hour ago- so _why_ look for problems when they weren’t there? The hero complex was getting out of hand…

Ichigo opened his mouth to probably argue, when his eyes landed on the thick wool scarf laid beside Renji's head. Curiosity replaced anger in a blink. "A scarf in summer?" he asked while picking up a piece of beef with his chopsticks.

Renji turned to the thing and then back to his friend. "Yeah, I think someone dug it up from somewhere last night. Didn’t feel like touching it to put it back." In an afterthought he added, "actually, you want it? Rukia gave it to me, it's pretty good but I'm allergic to it."

The orange haired man quirked his eyebrow. "To wool? Since when?"

Trying to dissect Ichigo's strange behavior was too much work, so Renji just rolled with it, hoping he was reading the entire situation wrong again. "Since the first time I wore it out. Listen, that itch was the worst thing I've ever- oh! Remember that time I took a walk back in the fall? I wore that thing out and it itched like crazy. The bloody fingernails? That was probably the reason."

Ichigo's eyes darkened slightly. "I remember."

A pang of guilt hit Renji at his mishap.

Shit. He let his mouth run without care again.

Though that incident was already behind them, every time he even mentioned something that had to do with that night, his two best friends always got the same dark and distant looks on their faces. It's been eight months since he left the house to go on that walk, plenty of time to move on from what happened in his opinion, but apparently the memory of it still lingered. 

The only thing he remembered after making his way on the rocky trail in the cold, was sitting naked under the shower stream in his apartment, staring into the stunned faces of Ichigo, Rukia and his landlord. Apparently he was missing for two days. No one thought of looking for him on his day off, they just assumed he was home, but when he didn’t show up to work the next morning they became worried. His friends tried to reach him for hours, only for his phone to go straight to voice mail, and every message they sent him to be left unread. Those two began knocking on his door that same afternoon, nearly bringing it off its hinges, before they were finally let in. 

He could see Ichigo yelling in his face and muttering curses as the freezing water hit him mercilessly when he tried to turn the shower off. That anger quickly changed to concern when Renji didn’t react to anything. He only kept staring into his eyes before extending his hand to show Ichigo the blood caked under his nails, while Rukia kept drying him with every towel she could find.

His bed was ruffled enough to indicate that he must have spent most of his time there. When they sat him down in it, it was still warm. And _wet_ , most likely from his own feverish sweat. They kept trying to warm him up while he just stared silently into nothing, reaching up to touch his sore throat constantly. When he did try to speak, a sharp pain tore through him. His fever shot up soon after, and so he fell into a numb state of sickness. Renji felt horrible. It was even hard to turn in bed most days.

But just like magic- the sickness passed, and he was back to himself. Even better- he felt like a million bucks. From a literal zombie he turned into a ball of energy that sprung into a set of sit-ups the moment he opened his eyes in the morning. _That_ definitely caught Rukia off guard- she kept staring at him wide eyed, even while making her way through the huge 'thank you' breakfast he made her for sleeping in his house for all of those terrible days.

That was the last time he was sick, or anything even remotely close to that, despite going through a brutal winter and him being a person with a tendency of not taking the best care of himself.

Still, ever since then they kept tabs on him. Though now more loosely than before, they still made sure not to leave him alone without checking in at least once a day. They stopped speaking about it a long time ago, so he assumed it was well behind them, but apparently it was still a sensitive topic.

And he stupidly brought it back again in front of Ichigo.

Renji was just about to apologies when the other man shook his head. "An itchy regifted gift that doesn’t do its most basic job, huh? That's lazy even for you."

He straightened up and smiled with relief. "A proper wedding gift, I reckon."

Maybe it was becoming okay to joke about that after all. 

They stayed together for a few more hours, before Ichigo decided he was leaving. Left alone to sit on the couch, Renji stretched his long body in the comfortable silence, and let out an inappropriate moan as his spine popped in two different places. He lay back satisfied, practically melting into the soft cushions, and buried his hands in his hair. It was still early afternoon, he had plenty of time to get productive. 

The muted images of their unfinished game still flashed on the TV screen as he kept braiding and unbraiding his hair absentmindedly, trying to figure what to do next with his time, when a soft movement caught his eye.

Warm summer breeze moved the curtains lazily and let the sunshine come in through the windows. Long strips of light ran across the floor in the small chunk of his apartment, basking everything they touched in a soft buttery glow.

He sighed. No way he was going to do anything useful when he could just laze around all day.

Renji turned to face the open space with full intention to go back to his game, when his eyes landed on the small coffee table in front of him. 'Astronomy for beginners' lay there as more of a decoration than anything else, its worn paper cover lifting gently with the breeze.

Not a moment later, he was elbow deep in his dresser, trying to find a pair of matching socks. _It was the weekend, so it would be a stretch, but there was still a chance…_

Renji's rubber soles screeched against the stairs as he raced down and onto the street, too impatient to use the lift. Before he could leave the block he stopped, clicking his tongue a few times, until a familiar hiss greeted him from a nearby drain. He smiled to himself, choosing to see it as a sign of good luck, and ignored the questioning stares of passersby while he cheerfully made his way towards the main road.

The shadows became longer as he swiftly passed the grey living area and reached the row of small businesses. The place was livelier than ever, harboring a swarm of frantic shoppers that threatened to swallow him, as he dove into the first convenience store he could find, and then again once he came out and cut through the stream of people on his way to the familiar stone steps leading to the park, a bag filled with snacks and drinks in hand.

Rocks crunched underneath him as he continued along the trail to his usual patch of grass overlooking the water. He sat down heavily and dropped his belongings beside him, arms going up to his loose hair to tie some of the silky red mane away from his face. Renji rearranged his bandana with extreme care and smoothed everything out as best as he could, before grabbing his phone to check the time.

Still early.

He shoved the device away and pushed down the faint excitement that grew within him.

Renji looked ahead and shielded his eyes from the sparkling glare of the sun's weak reflection on the water. He somehow forgot to grab a pair of sunglasses as he rushed through the door -completely at the mercy of the need to just come here- but it wasn’t much of a problem. The light around him was becoming dimmer by the second, coloring everything in a shade of faded amber as the sun began setting at last. It was better anyway; he could see everything much clearer without their barrier.

For the past few months, he kept thinking about this place nearly every day. After it was finally possible to leave the house for more than a few moments at a time, he secretly began coming here in search of _something_ he was struggling to remember. He kept coming like an addict, every other day for hours at a time, until he managed to figure it out.

At the end of each day, there was a moment when the world felt as if life itself was being sucked out of it. It was a sleepy haze that dropped down like a thin curtain, intangible and yet heavy and stifling. 

Renji couldn’t explain it at first, but he realized that this feeling was something he carried with himself throughout his entire life. 

There were times where every sound around him became nothing more than white noise, no matter how much he tried to avoid it. It was the silence that came when the buzz of electricity was gone and he was left alone in the dark, it was when the wind pressed to his ears and made it hard to hear anything besides its wails. Even when a huge crowed surrounded him, the sound of life somehow remained faint and distant- the voices of the people becoming no more than a nagging murmur.

Renji used to sink into his own thoughts when that happened, but he came to hate it more than the silence itself, so he tried to outrun it, desperately pretending he was wining by keeping himself away from everything.

He never would have thought that a park of all things would be what helped him realize all of this, but here he was- sitting in the place where he figured it out, and the place where he noticed the sudden change within himself as well. 

Renji bought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself loosely. The faint breeze caressed his exposed skin, carrying the fresh smell of leaves along with it.

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, before opening them again to look at the darkening sky ahead. The previously cloudless-blue now became deep and opaque, gradually turning lighter before breaking into a faded-pink halo that softened the burning stripe of the horizon. The streetlamps were on, casting a hazy light that grew stronger the darker it became. 

That was the moment he's been waiting for- the silence.

Somehow, all sounds around him became muffled at once- the people, the animals, even the delicate waves of the lake- all stopping for that crucial moment of heaviness that used to suck the life out of everything. 

But the dread never came.

Instead, Renji kept staring at the world that began sinking into a serene sleep, with the most ease his heart has ever felt.

What he saw now, he could only describe as beautiful.

Warmth filled his chest, spreading slowly to every part of his body as the moment passed and the commotion resumed around him. Everything went back to its course, and he was now free to enjoy the next hours of serenity until he felt like going back home.

Renji smiled to himself and kept looking at the everchanging evening sky. He reached up and tucked away a loose lock of hair that kept tickling his face in the breeze and then he left his hand to hover near his lips. He ran the back of his finger over his cupid's bow _. If only_ -

He brought it back to rest on his knee and shook his head. There was no use thinking that, it was a slim chance anyway, he should know that by now… Although, what harm would it do to hope he had a little luck by his side today? 

Renji lifted his head. The first stars should be visible by now, even if it _was_ still a little early. His brown eyes turned up to look at the sky to see-

Nothing.

The redhead furrowed his brows as a dark cloud greeted him instead of the little twinkles he expected to see. And then, almost as if it waited for the right moment, a drop of water landed at the center of his forehead. It was joined by another, and another, _and another_ , all hitting him in fat, cool drops.

Renji shoved his phone into the snack bag, wrapping it tightly for protection _._ No big deal, they were just a few harmless droplets of water.

Those innocent droplets turned into a rapid shower in a blink of an eye.

He sighed tiredly. "A little luck my ass." 

Shrieks of surprise sounded throughout the park as the trickle became a steady pour. People began scattering all around him, looking for shelter, or most likely hurrying home to get away from the unexpected summer rain, but he kept himself rooted in place.

The rain kept falling and getting stronger, glowing in the warm light of the streetlamps as it seeped into every exposed surface it landed on. There was no dry spot left on him, the uncomfortable feeling of cold water running down his back, sending annoying shivers through his entire body. Still, he kept sitting there stubbornly.

The unexpected summer rain sent everyone away, not even a bark could be heard anywhere near him. In no time, his hair began pulling on his scalp uncomfortably with the weight of the water. Renji sighed again and shielded his eyes. He should have figured there wasn't a chance today, it was stupid to sit here soaked.

Renji was just about to get up and leave, when suddenly, a thick cover came over his head. Panicked, he grabbed the hand of the person that wrapped their arm around his shoulder, squeezing the wrist tightly in his grip as they crotched beside him. He turned sharply to see their face, only to be hit with the sight of Byakuya's handsome features, a mere few inches away from his own stunned expression.

_Byakuya._

_He came._

Remembering where he was, Renji quickly released his grip on Byakuya's wrist. "S-sorry, you scared me I'm- sorry…" His cheeks began heating with the stupidly, embarrassing mumbling that flowed out of him. He couldn’t help it though; it was the first time they were _this_ close and touching, after all.

"Do not be. I should have realized you were not able to hear me approaching, it was a poor decision on my behalf." The raven's warm breath caressed his skin in this close proximity, and Renji couldn’t help but blush even harder.

Only then did Renji realize how loud the sound of the rain hitting the water really was. Every other sound was drowned by it, it made sense that footsteps on wet grass didn’t stand a chance. Byakuya's _voice_ on the other hand, could be heard just fine. He was close enough to be heard well, close enough for him to see how bright his eyes were, even in the dim light. Renji's brain kicked into action and he took the edge of the cover Byakuya held over his head, all the while trying to look anywhere but those steely eyes.

The raven let go of him and sat down, scooting aside a little on the wet ground. They were still much closer than they ever were, but the butterflies in Renji's stomach seemed to stop their frantic fluttering. "No worries," he said lightly, "I just wasn't sure I'll get to see you today is all." He immediately regretted his phrasing.

Byakuya's handsome features remained as stoic as usual. "Pardon me for intruding your shower then."

Renji hoped his voice didn’t give away his surprise. "I thought it might pass quickly." Honestly, what other excuse could he possibly give for being caught waiting for him in the rain? In attempt to shake off the feeling of being found guilty, he quickly scanned the raven for any sign of gloating, when his eyes captured the glimpse of a black suit sleeve dangling behind Byakuya. "You're in no position to judge anyway, must be embarrassing to be caught off guard, right? I feel bad for your jacket."

Byakuya simply looked at the sky from under the garment covering both of their heads, his expression calm and distant. "The rain had already begun its pour while I was parking."

Then why leave the car in the first place? The rain should have kept Byakuya away, yet he came here anyway… Jumping to conclusions was ridiculous, but it almost sounded like he came here wishing to see him too. 

The smallest fragment of hope rose in Renji, but he was quick to shut it down.

He averted his gaze back to the water, drowning under the sudden silence. He wished he could read Byakuya's mind sometimes, to try and figure out why the man kept coming to meet him in this spot from time to time. There was no expecting to meet Byakuya- he just showed up without a pattern and came to sit with him for hours on end.

They met here a couple of months ago, in one of the days when Renji sat alone to enjoy his new discovery. That same day, the redhead decided to try and make use of his time alone to test out a few new things he never thought he would otherwise.

He stepped into a small bookshop before coming to his usual spot and purchased the only book he could find that was dedicated to the subject he had in mind. Renji sat alone in the dark and read aloud to himself under the glare of his phone's flash, thinking that no one cared enough to question him _too_ _much_. 'Astronomy for Beginners' made it sound easy enough to understand, so he hoped he would be able see the appeal, in order to _consider_ making it a new hobby. But apparently, he was wrong, and even though Renji tried his hardest he still managed to butcher every scientific term he was tackling.

Most people might've been put off by the muttered curses that followed, but a single handsome stranger was kind enough to politely come up to him and explain something he seemed to be struggling with. The last thing Renji expected was for that stranger to actually sit beside him -rather far at first, but that was a given- and keep him company. They kept passing the book between themselves, while Byakuya kept showing him how to find a few constellations. Naturally the hobby didn’t stick, but that didn’t stop them from finding other things to talk about when they kept meeting again and again- always at random, but always in the same place, for hours on end.

Byakuya was a strange type to say the least. Well, Renji knew he wasn’t the best person to compare anyone to, but still, he could somehow feel that something about Byakuya was a little off. It wasn’t anything major or alarming in any way, but a simple hunch he was getting from the other man, telling him Byakuya seemed to be holding something back.

Later he found out it was the mere fact that Byakuya was basically unreadable, and not being able to tell what someone's intentions or motives were, was kind of intimidating.

When he first laid eyes on the dark figure of the stranger that spoke to him, illuminated under the lamplight, Renji immediately noticed the barrier he had around himself. The way Byakuya proudly held himself, reminded him of a silent statue more than a living thing. Even his voice seemed almost timeless and eerie at first, the kind of voice that made you want to listen regardless of what was being said, caressing and smooth yet deep and full of authority.

It was a long shot, but after a brief exchange Renji offered Byakuya to come and sit with him. Everything about the silent hesitation coming from him pointed in the other direction, but Byakuya moved forward non the less. He was stiff and distant, somewhat a little cold, but kind. A lot kinder than Renji would have ever though he could be if not for their meeting. 

The redhead chose to latch onto those glimpses of kindness to try and coax more out of Byakuya every time they happened to meet at that spot. It was a little awkward, Byakuya seemed very shutoff at first, but the more they kept talking, his shoulders seemed to lose some of their stiffness and his wariness slowly morphed into what Renji could only describe as a 'safe distance'.

But even that was quickly gone- Byakuya began sitting closer to him, and his usually indifferent face seemed to house a whole new range of emotions. Albeit very subtly but still, it was as if he was finally peeking out from inside of his cocoon.

The change was overwhelming. Suddenly Renji realized how confident the raven really was, how he seemed much bigger and taller even when they were eye to eye, sometimes even when they were standing and Byakuya was looking up at him. There was graceful confidence to him that Renji found himself drawn to.

No longer did Byakuya feel like a guest in those privet moments Renji was having. He became someone who Renji was glad to share them with. It was freeing- having someone to see you at your most serene and wholesome state, someone to try out this new part of you for the first time.

Byakuya's appearance became something Renji found himself expecting. The redhead even gone as far as to consider those days lucky. The thought of seeing Byakuya occupied his mind more often than not. On more than one occasion he was caught smiling to himself when he thought of him, about something he said or done, about the way he hid the proud expression that crossed his features when Renji genuinely laughed at one of his comments, and every small thing that seemed insignificant when it came to other people.

He thought it was normal at first- he found a new friend who he really liked and was able to find a common language with. That was all. Normal. Expected. Simple.

And then Byakuya touched him for the first time.

The accelerating heartbeat and flip of stomach were such a surprise that Renji's entire train of thought was cutoff mid-sentence, and he had to come up with an excuse for his sudden faltering.

The simple thing they had between them suddenly became confusing. When they were just two guys hanging out every now and then, it was easier to blur the lines between them. Renji was willing to ignore their differences, he honestly wasn’t bothered by the obvious gaps in their backgrounds and looks, all that much. He had no reason to.

But catching feelings was a whole other thing entirely. Seeing Byakuya in a different light made him see _himself_ in a different light. Every quality of the raven he found endearing was suddenly multiplied tenfold, but as it grew, it made him feel lesser than Byakuya, and it began staining everything.

From being positively sure that he could call them friends, he went on to become a little skeptical. The deeper Renji dug the more uncertain he became. After all, neither he nor Byakuya ever actually worded out the fact that they considered what they had to be an actual friendship.

And deep down it hurt.

They never exchanged numbers.

They never made plans to meet.

They never even brought up the possibility of going somewhere else together.

If Renji had enough nerve to just ask the damned question before, he now feared that when he did, Byakuya would be taken aback, and he would get the rejection that creeped in the back of his mind. 

The last thing he wanted was to ask someone he began liking this much what he meant to them, only to be told they were simply passing the time together and that was it. Renji knew to conceal his emotions quite well, but what if he let his disappointment slip out and Byakuya would realize that his wishes weren’t as innocent as they should be. He might break things off and stop coming. And that would be the end of it.

He never questioned what Byakuya was doing in the park alone that first time, but he suspected that the raven simply wanted to have some peace and quiet, away from his own life. Maybe, despite the solitude, he felt like speaking to someone, and that feeling bloomed the exact moment Renji came to view, making that the only reason he even spoke to him in the first place.

It was a crippling way of thinking and needed the correct way of handling to become tolerable. So, obviously, he didn’t do that, because feelings were hard.

Instead, he pushed everything down and continued his carefree act, showing Byakuya the new perfect-super-mega-extra-platonic persona he tried to trick himself into having.

But the more he denied how he felt the worse his crush became. That beautiful face practically branded itself behind his eyelids, just in case Renji had the audacity to spend a minute of his day without forcefully shoving away any romantic thought he had about the other man. Every time they met and some part of Byakuya brushed against him, the acrobats Renji had no memory of hiring began preforming their routine under his skin. He kept wanting to see him and speak to him at every given moment, wanted to hear what he had to say about every exchange he had with his friends. But that brought problems all on its own… Because that beautiful voice took residence in his ears and refused to leave.

All of those things combined made it very hard to pretend he had the upper hand over his feelings, not to mention getting through entire days of work and being surrounded by people, who used to watch over him like concerned hawks.

It was getting harder to concentrate on anything. Renji couldn’t even remember the last time he had it this bad for someone. It even got to the point of him being able to smell Byakuya with the simple thought of his face. 

Things just kept piling up, Problem after problem, hour after hour, the entire situation was getting out of hand. Even sleep wasn’t an escape anymore- the days were bad without a doubt, but the nights proved to be worse. Renji's own _body_ proved to be worse.

He didn’t even think there was a way in which he could tell anyone about it and ask for advice without outing himself as a total creep.

At least not before he could figure out the deal himself. And in order to do that, he needed to grow up and express his emotions correctly, using actual _words_.

So, Renji lay in his bed one night, blanket pulled all the way up to his chin, only leaving out a _very_ _manly_ pout aimed at the celling, and he simply admitted everything aloud. Surprisingly, it was all it took for things to calm down. Heart wise, mind wise, and unsolicited-raging-boner wise. 

It was so easy he wanted to scream.

He hated his brain. He really did.

After wording his feelings that night, Renji's slight obsession mellowed down, the balance returning to set his thoughts straight. It was like dumping a pile of bricks off his shoulders, and only then did he understand just how much that internal turmoil exhausted him. There was no way he could allow himself to relapse. The redhead tried to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t in the wrong for feeling the way he did. It was okay to like Byakuya and it was okay if he didn’t like him back.

It was okay to get exited whenever he showed up, it was even okay to wish to see him, but it wasn’t okay to feel unfulfilled when he didn’t.

It became easier to breathe around Byakuya, and Renji felt some of the lightheartedness return to him when they were together. Though he still had most of the same physical reactions around the raven, he stopped trying to fight them, and just accepted that they were going to happen anyway, if he wanted or not. 

Maybe without noticing he projected something, because Byakuya's closeness became even more natural. Sometimes he even wondered if there might be a chance that the raven was considering him to be something more than just an acquaintance.

But getting his hopes up was still a little brutal.

Renji kept listening to the pleasant sound of rain hitting the water. The two of them huddled together, their shoulders touching, sharing body heat despite the summery evening, under the small cover that smelled too good to pretend it didn’t.

He never realized how uncaring Byakuya was for the weather to actually come here instead of staying in the car to wait for the sudden shower to pass. Even if he was unbothered enough to show up, he could have waited for Renji and they could have gone somewhere dry. The redhead was planning on leaving anyway, _anyone_ with a right mind would have, then why not wait for a few more seconds for him to get up?

Renji really didn’t want to lead himself on but he couldn’t think of any other reason for that, besides the possibility that Byakuya knew he was waiting for him despite the pour. He knew he waited, knew he was welcome, practically confirmed it when he felt comfortable enough to jab Renji for it.

No matter how many casual explanations Renji could come up with to explain the raven's behavior, he couldn’t ignore the fact that he was currently sitting wet and huddled under a jacket with him. _By choice_. There wasn’t even hesitation in his actions before he wrapped an arm around Renji to cover him, practically hugged him if the redhead allowed his mind to go there… Not even the hint of second guessing seemed to flash in those slate eyes when they were basically sharing a breath, sitting there, nose to nose.

The same damned question popped in his mind again -just like it did every time something made him second guess the innocence of Byakuya's actions- _What if?_

The rain kept wetting every part of them except for their covered heads, hitting and hitting with small taps of water. Renji fumbled with the fabric of his soaked pants and looked at the hand Byakuya was leaning on his own knee. The raven's white sleeves were folded up to his elbows, revealing the pale and unblemished skin of his forearms. He felt bad for grabbing Byakuya so hard earlier, he hoped his grip wouldn’t leave a bruise. Slow to adjust in the weak lighting, his eyes focused a little more, guiltily looking for the red mark that adored Byakuya's skin.

But he didn’t see anything, not even a _hint_ of the surprised death grip from earlier.

There was no way he was too caught up in his musings for enough time to pass until it faded. He was sure he wasn’t imagining it, he held tightly, too tight for Byakuya to ignore. Or maybe he was? Come to think of it, the man really didn’t show any sign of discomfort…

The wheels in Renji's mind began turning in the direction of this new line of thought, when Byakuya's movement cut him mid-theory. The raven extended his hand under the rain, pale palm catching the drops. "The rain is becoming weaker."

Renji blinked, his earlier thoughts blown away like dust in the wind. Feeling awkward for staring at Byakuya's hand for no apparent reason, he curiously copied the movement. The chilly drops did feel much scarcer than before, softer even. "It had a terrible timing, the least it could do is be short lived." 

Byakuya huffed in amusement at the fake bitterness lacing his voice. "It is not so bad."

His stomach did a small flip. Suddenly Renji was too aware of his own body to think straight. Again, came that small- 'what if'. He needed to do something with his hands, in fear of one of them drifting towards Byakuya's in a moment of weakness. Renji grabbed the hem of the jacket above his head and held it as his other arm fumbled towards the forgotten bag next to him. He maneuvered the stock of snacks between them and switched his hands once more, to be able to reach in and dig out a can of coffee.

It was still cool enough to the touch when he checked the label in the dim lighting and handed it to Byakuya, who nodded politely and took it in his wet hand. He used one finger to open the tin seal and took a small sip, features remaining calm, unlike the first time he drank something that Renji offered him, which resulted in Byakuya's eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets.

The expression then changed to slight approval and he took another. "Should I be congratulating you?" the raven asked with a faint quirk to his eyebrow.

"For finally picking a drink that’s nasty enough for you to enjoy?" Renji playfully threw back as he opened his own extremely sweetened version of the same beverage.

Byakuya turned to him and faintly licked his lower lip. "Last time we met you told me you were meant to be having a meeting with your boss before the weekend. Since you seem to be in good spirits I assume I can be assured my prediction was correct, and you got a raise."

Byakuya sometimes seemed to forget he wasn’t a mind reader. 

Renji contemplated commenting on the fact that this prediction was news to him, but instead he chose to appreciate the fact that Byakuya gave him so much credit. It felt nice. Hopefully his smile wasn’t too wide and overly proud to peak out from behind the can pressed to his lips. "Yeah, I did."

Byakuya reached out and weakly clanked his can with Renji's. "Congratulations." 

Burning heat gathered in Renji's cheeks instantly. He bit the edge of the can to keep his growing smile contained, eyes shyly locking with Byakuya's. They were so bright that their color almost shone silver in the faint light. His smile grew even wider, until it was no longer possible to hide. Then again, why should he bother anyway. "Thanks."

Renji shook off all of the uncertainty and nervousness that he had. He let himself go and allowed the easiness they had grown accustomed to, when spending time together, return at full force. Self-doubt and stiffness be damned. "I actually went ahead and bought myself a fancy table as a pat on the back."

"And?" Byakuya asked dryly.

"And what?"

The raven only gave him a blank stare.

" _And_ ," Renji provided pointedly, "I invited people over to throw compliments at me for assembling it so nicely. Just to brighten up my mood a little more."

"There it is."

He raised his voice in fake offence. "You make it sound like a bad thing."

The handsome bastard was way too good at keeping his voice and expression devoid of emotions. "I would never." 

Renji chuckled and took a sweet sip of coffee. "Whatever, I had fun in my own party."

Byakuya's voice took on a warm tone. "It was a full-fledged party then?"

Renji turned to look at him again. "It wasn't meant to be, but let me tell you, these people are _animals_!" He continued telling Byakuya about last night's adventure, excitement growing with each thing that left his mouth. The redhead went on and on about everything that happened, story-telling exaggeration making the most mundane details seem much more interesting and colorful.

Byakuya added commentaries here and there. Occasionally disapproving shakes of head were joined, sometimes even a chuckle that managed to slip past his lips. The growing interest in his eyes encouraged Renji on and on and on.

The redhead was way too caught in telling Byakuya everything up until this morning's mishaps, to notice that the night's darkness has already settled around them. Even the rain has long since stopped.

At some point Renji realized that water wasn’t hitting his exposed shoulder or legs anymore, and reluctantly removed the jacket from over their heads, but instead of wearing it or putting it aside, Byakuya sprawled it on the grass and lay back. It took him some convincing and assuring that it was _indeed_ fine, until Renji gave in and agreed to lie down beside him.

Strangely enough, the small distance between them didn’t feel so intimidating anymore. It felt rather good- comforting. Despite being out in the open, without the cover to keep them hidden, the moment felt private. Even the sounds of people coming back to the park didn’t take away from the intimacy. The cheerful calls and chirping of crickets from somewhere along the tree line, blended in with the soft rustle of leaves in the chilly wind to create a calming music that complimented the beautiful sound of Byakuya's voice as he spoke.

Renji was sure he could listen to it forever, no matter what topic Byakuya chose to talk about. 

After a while the sounds of people disappeared. Even the city beyond the trees somehow fell into an unusual quiet- a rare occurrence for the summery nights. The two of them fell into a comfortable silence as well. Renji looked up at the stars. They were burning brighter than ever, flickering with each one of his heartbeats.

It was late, he could tell even without checking the time. As much as he wished they could stay like this for the entire night, he knew that it wasn’t possible- they would have to get going soon; it was already the familiar quiet that settled before they separated and went home.

He lay there seemingly peaceful, but his mind was racing, a few months' worth confusion filling his head. 

Since the moment they've met today, there was practically zero personal space between them. It was the first time that they actually _refused_ to put any kind of distance between themselves, If the fact that all of their trash was still being held securely under his sneaker, despite it taking no effort to get up and get rid of it, was any indication.

It was stupid, but he couldn’t help but see it as a clear sign.

Thoughts of trash aside, the entire situation was painfully romantic- the scenery was perfect, they were alone, they were close, and even though it was clearly time to say goodbye, they both kept silent, neither daring to speak of move away.

Renji mused over everything he thought Byakuya hinted at today, and how that now, more than ever, it felt so much bigger than a simple friendship. He even had the need to pinch himself to assure it was real, especially during the moments where he saw the gleam in those silver eyes and pushed the thought down, just to be able to focus enough to keep talking. 

Renji took in a deep breath and gritted his teeth in deep thought.

If he was honest with himself, he felt like a complete idiot.

It was so easy to just be himself around Byakuya when the worry of being liked back stopped eating away at him as much. Somewhere during their conversations, they leaned into each other naturally without breaking the stream of words. Even as they sat and even as they lay side by side, they kept leaning closer, the distance subtly shrinking until warm breath slapped them back into place. It kept happening again and again, but he only caught himself when he was getting too close, because of how natural it felt.

It took everything he had in him to forcefully pull back before he closed the gap without realizing.

What he _did_ realize though, was the slight glimpse of disappointment that flickered in Byakuya's eyes every time he stubbornly pulled away. Only after Renji pulled his head out from the depths of his own ass, did he understand what it meant- crossing that line was the right thing to do.

And he missed it entirely.

_He missed all the damned signs._

Fucking typical.

The strong and steady beats of his heart began increasing in speed. He could feel it in every inch of his body, could hear it louder than he thought was possible. The tips of his fingers burned in anticipation and fear, knees feeling impossibly weak to the point of giving out beneath him if he was standing instead of laying.

He decided that tonight he was going to be lucky- no more fearing rejection, no more second guessing what everything meant. 

Time to jump to conclusions.

Time to be a little bold. 

Renji slowly slid his hand across the drying grass. Little by little. A mere fraction at a time. Until, he felt skin and nearly jumped up in the air.

Byakuya's hand was much closer than he thought.

It lay there, palm facing up. Waiting.

Renji brushed his pinky against Byakuya's thumb- a silent request for approval. Just in case.

Byakuya's thumb answered with a tender brush of its own, giving the long-awaited agreement to finally take a step forward. Renji took Byakuya's hand in his and softly laced their fingers together. He wasn’t breathing. Wasn’t blinking. Not before the raven's fingers tightened their hold and that thumb caressed his in a slow, gentle movement.

The air came out of him in a short laugh of relief.

Renji turned to the side, eyes locking on Byakuya's achingly stunning face. The man looked back at him with an unreadable expression, but he brought his free hand to rest above his own heart. "I believe it might burst."

"Yeah," Renji breathed out, "tell me about it." 

Byakuya's face lit up with the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. The dimples that so rarely appeared, deepened and his eyes undeniably burned when he locked them with Renji's own plain ones.

They were brighter than fire, more prominent than any star Renji has ever seen hanging in the night sky. Strange. Intense. Otherworldly. And oh-so familiar.

He was frozen in place when he looked at them, how they seemed to make words form in his mind. They took in everything they could, gently gliding over his face with a trail of warmth in their wake. He bit his lip and shuddered slightly as the warmth passed over his mouth before Byakuya's eyes returned to his.

Renji could see them very clearly, but his mind couldn’t process what was right before him, it couldn’t linger for more than a fraction. The strange sight then flickered out of memory entirely, burning silver turning into a steely grey, as Byakuya leaned in and closed the gap between them. The raven's lips touched the corner of his mouth, and then he slowly brushed them against Renji's cupid's bow, and lower lip.

For the first time in his life, Renji understood why people compared kisses to fireworks. Although no actual explosions happened, a small flame was lit within him with every brush of their lips. Each prick of fire felt better than the last.

But it wasn’t enough.

He was greedy.

He wanted more.

Forever the gentleman, Renji decided to drop the responsibility on the world's most handsome teaser. "Byakuya," he breathed out against the man's mouth, voice much weaker than he hoped.

Luckily, there was no need to tell the raven twice. He understood the subtle hint, and immediately captured Renji's lips in a deep, warm kiss. The redhead melted without a warning.

Renji felt elevated, he was light, lighter than air. They both were.

Only when he tried moving did he realize they weren’t floating like he assumed. Renji unclasped their hands, and Byakuya moved with skillful knowledge. Somehow, without separating for more than a hair's breadth, there was suddenly weight on top of him, a hand on his waist, another gently cupping the back of his head to keep him close.

He was sure the small hum of content that left him, sounded too similar to a purr for comfort, but Renji couldn’t care less. His hands went up to rest on the sides of Byakuya's face. The skin was impossibly soft. Warm. Perfect. From knowing the raven, he shouldn’t even be surprised. He let his thumb caress the sculpted plains of the other's jaw and cheeks, let himself wander and bury them in jet-black locks, that were so silky they felt like liquid running between his fingers.

He licked Byakuya's lower lip hesitantly, and those full lips parted to let him explore his mouth a little more. Renji wasn’t sure who was leading any longer, he simply kissed Byakuya as deeply as he could, small fires starting anew under his skin.

Lucky.

Lucky.

Lucky.

He was lucky for having this perfect moment and everything leading up to it. Even kissing under the stars wasn’t as bad as he thought before. In fact, it was rather nice, as lame as it may sound. They should make it a permanent thing. This, and sunset dates. Definitely sunset dates. Or any dates in general.

Actually, if he _was_ going to adapt to the new cliché lifestyle, first he might need to make sure they were on the same page. Start with the basics. 

"Just so we're clear," he said against Byakuya's lips when they broke apart for air, "I really like you, Byakuya." He tried to manage the pants. "I really do. The embarrassing amount of feelings, kind of way."

Renji looked deeply into those stormy eyes and ran his thumb on a high cheekbone. "I want to be with you." 

Byakuya flashed his brilliant smile once more. He seemed to collect himself before lowering his head to rest his forehead against Renji's. The tips of their noses touched, their lips brushing again in a featherlight, fleeting kiss. Byakuya's warm breath against his face was suddenly the only thing in the world, Renji cared about.

The raven buried his face in Renji's neck, his voice rawer and fuller of emotion than he had ever heard. "I wish you could understand how much I've hoped to hear you say this."

Renji chuckled breathily and closed his eyes. He brought his arms around Byakuya and tightened their hold, heart pounding violently in his chest. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." 

Byakuya nuzzled his face into the warmth, drowning in the tight embrace. He felt Renji's chest rising and falling steadily, felt the pulse against his lips. "I love you," he whispered softly, knowing full well that Renji heard.

Those arms tightened even more, pressing the two of them together, careful not to choke Byakuya by mistake.

He couldn’t help but let out an amused whoosh of air at how precious the nervous chuckle that escaped the redhead was. He closed his eyes, letting the small vibrations pass and settle until they turned into steady rises and falls of chest.

Byakuya kept still and listened to the soft sound of Renji's serene breathing. So different than the painful intake of air that caused this chest to jerk suddenly. He remembered how strange it felt to have that first breath of life mirrored in him as well, as Renji's consciousness returned to his body. 

Alive and well. 

Free of burden.

Curled on his side in a calm, dreamless sleep.

Eight months had passed since then, eight months since Byakuya stepped into the hourglass that marked the time until the awaited memories came back fully.

A new life. Together? Apart? There was no answer for him yet, only after the last grain falls, will he know.

The soft, golden stream of sand kept falling on his head, spilling in a soft cascade and piling at his feet. Each grain was a minute, a small window of time closing, before the intangible glass space was filled to the brim.

Crippling dread held his hand and led him through his days. Firm at first, but it slowly loosened when he allowed himself to go against it and made his way to the familiar patch of grass.

The sand rose up and up, covering his ankles, his knees, his thighs and hips, locking him in place. He couldn’t look up to see how much time he had left before the grains covered him fully, until the glass shattered, and the truth came out, but he wasn’t afraid anymore.

Renji held him, his hand drawing small circles on his back. The light it brought to his heart, made Byakuya realize how little he knew about loving someone before. He smiled and let the pure happiness push the fear away.

Byakuya would stand in place and reach out despite the sharp shards he knew were coming his way. It will not be his pain to face, but the pain of the one dearest to him.

He promised.

He will stay.

He wanted nothing more than to be there for every second he could.

The sand will continue rising, the pressure will become stifling, but Byakuya would keep standing there, appreciating every grain.

For now he knew what it truly meant to love.

They both did.

And as time will pass, it will bloom, until nothing could stand in its way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finaly done!   
> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my work, hopefully you enjoyed! 
> 
> It was the first thing iv'e ever written, so I hope I did okay. 
> 
> The biggest thank you goes to itsjoelforyou who's a literal angel and helped me so much. I dont know what I did to deserve her, but I'm glad I did it.   
> Go check her out:)


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